Description: a little haiku to pass the time. This was actually inspired by fantastic stories of a giant trophy size mule deer on a ridge in the mountains where I grew up. The ridge is called "Doc Willer" or "Doc Wilder" it all depends on who you talk to. It's just the image I get when I think about the stories. Enjoy.
The Ghost of Doc Willer -------------------------------------------
Beige, or maybe brown
peanut butter colored coat
a moss horned trophy
When I read this, sitting here listening to capt'n jazz. I though of how much I want to be a deer. It would be awsome! I could jump around and I could eat little twigs and stuff. I could play hid and go seek in the winter with hunters. I could be he coolest deer ever. If I could also have all the wisdom I had now. I would write little messages in the dirt to mess with some of the hunters. like they would go home and I would go to where they were hidding and I would write something like nice try state puff just to get them angry. But getting off the subject. I liked it, it was awsome. Kacey
You commented on my haiku and I was just looking around and happen to see your name so I figure I might as well take a look.
I see where your coming from the colors of the deer and I like the last line the the most. Its description of the horns make me imagine a gardian of the mountains, like a grandfather to all creatures within the realm.
The first two lies just give me a color. I believe that the you should have only used one line to give the reader a sense of the color and the other to describe the proud shape and form of the deer.
The first two lines are pretty good, but as I've found with a lot of haikus, the last line, well... it's just lacking any punch. There's something about it that just sounds unproffessional. I think it may be the "trophy" part... I mean, if you like it that way I would leave it, but it just sounds like you're one of those crazy hunters who only care about wildlife for its "trophies". (Don't get me wrong I don't think there's anything bad about hunting, I just don't hold with the idea that it's all out there for us just to shoot up.)
Those are my ideas. Thanks for posting I enjoyed it!
too bad deer seasons out! in my neck of the woods we have whitetail... one day i'll go on a mule deer trip and hopefully i'll have a moss horned trophy in my sights!
I too like the haiku form - it suits my disciplined approach to the writing of poetry and life in general. Ha! I do like haiku though. But this one tells us nothing more than your description told us. To my mind the three lines that comprise the poem are rendered redundant almost and that is a shame. Of the three lines I have to say that I like the last one the most because of its abstract nature. The preceding lines are the equivalent of ecru coloured walls and I know that you can give more than that because I've taken a peek at some of your other pieces. I just think that you've taken the middle ground and avoided imposing any effort onto your readership. It's a balance (that I consistently fail to make) between tell and show. We have to do some work or the fruits taste of apricot jam, when they could taste of good beef dripping on toast... Later, K
I spoke this outloud and I love saying 'peanut butter colored coat' it feels really nice to say. It also stirs up a good image of in places a really smooth coat but in other places the coat is a little bumpy and lumpy. As you can tell I love peanut butter. But anyway, i've never been a great fan of haikus. I've never really seen the point. But I now think that they're a little a snipet. A really good metaphor or similie or whatever that doesn't fit into a poem or just looks really nice on its own. Because this is really nice on its own. Thank you for your description though, I actually find it really useful to the poem and interesting to know about other people's inspiration and such. I prefer lines 2 and 3 to the first though. Line 1 just seems a tad simple, I'd have stuck a similar metaphor to the other lines in. But then again, with your way it is a lot simpler and kind of eases you into the poem. Wow, I never thought I could write this much about a haiku.
I think I get it...I've just got into haikus and I love 'em, how come no-one can be bothered to comment on them, mostly? This is what haikus are really about, nature, I liked it. This is my latest: (I won't bother posting 'em)
Black panther waiting Hidden in leafy shadows Small faun draws closer.
I don't think I could bring myself to actually sjhoot a dear. I think it's really a weak thing to do :kill a poor defenseless animal that never hurt you and it probobly has family thats looking for em right now, I'm kidding frame it and hang it above the fireplace. I t will make as an excellent conversation piece L.t
Submission Name: The Ghost of Doc Willer
