Description: my friend asked me earlier if I was lieing (I was) and I said no I wasn't and honestly was rather hurt he would think that about me. He then said I know you--- I can see it in your eyes!
I told him--"He was being GAY!"--he was right on! I am a lieing bastard and should be shot ---tomorrow I am getting rid of my eyes for good--if anyone would like them they will be available on ebay tomorrow!
Eyes are a trap-door
lett_ng _t all un-fold
eyes
tell more than
what you ever told
the pa_n, the gu_lt, the pass_on,
where's my pr_vacy
_'ll never look at anyone aga_n
and _ don't want anyone to look at me
you give new meaning to privacy. I know that my friends can instantly tell what I'm thinking/feeling simply by looking me in the eye. It's not fare cause I can't interpret them, but whatever. Short, sweet and to the point. Good job dude. However, it doesn't seem like a typical LMT's piece. There is no sex involved. What's wrong with you??? Just kidding, but maybe the only time that we look into someone's is during sex. Maybe then we'll ba able to tell if someone's faking??? (ha!) Anyway's, I do love the title. ~Jess
hmmm...I like where you went with this, I just wonder if there might be some other way to get there. You start the poem with a really, really used cliché (I've used it too, or at least allusions to it) and sometimes clichés are clichés because they are so true and there aren't a lot of other ways to explain the meaning behind them. So I understand the dilemma. If anything, maybe something like, "They say that eyes are a window to the soul/mine are crystal clear/giving away what I hold dear/the pain the guilt, etc,...
This also corrects the problem with saying "you" when you mean "I"
Like I said, some good, introspective and revealing stuff in here, and with a little tweaking you can get it out and make it more your own.
You write a lot of stuff with tongue in cheek, and that's a good thing, but it's also good to see a little more of who you really are.
This piece, to return the favor, was cute. It was short and simple, yet and the same time carried a certain amount of sophistication to it( Which is something coming from you-Jk) As your self proclaimed "editor" I did see one gramatical error, that not neccasary,that if fixed would help the flow of the piece. In the fourth line I would add commas to the list so it read, "the pain, the guilt, the passion". Other than that, keep up the good work!
I like this, I think it could be a little longer.. But yes the eyes do tell it all. I am a bad liar.. Everyone can tell when I am lying, because of my eyes... Haha. So what did you lie about. If it isn't personal. Never mind that. I think this is so original. You definately descibe the naked eye.. Very unique..
hey there my ol' pal Lamey...I like this- I could see it in a Shel Siverstein book with one of those odd illustrations. I like the way you sewed it up in this tidy little package and I thought your ending was well put. This is a fresh piece from you- especially since I was sure that with Naked in the title, I would get my daily dose of mind porn. I like it L.t. Kisses- Magnolia
I really do like this piece..true, it could be a bit longer..but i think it captured what it was supposed to be telling to the general public. You are right..your eyes can tell everything about you..scary, but true. I like this poem..i hope to read some other new stuff from you.
I don't think that this poem needs anything added to it. Seems like your last couple of submission have been short in comparison to others, but it's cool to flex that creative muscle in different ways. I like what this poem says about how sometimes there are things that we just can't hide from certain people even though we try. Certain people are gonna just know us like that, ya know? See through us. I like how you used the idea of looking at people and having people look at you to symbolize avoidign getting close enough to someone for them to see deep inside you and all the "passion pain, guilt" you keep (we keep) inside. Very imaginative.
P.S: As regards your poem Eager Eye, i have not forgot about giving you a longer comment on it. I just haven't yet. Life, ya know?
Submission Name: ABCDEFGH_JKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
