Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And never, ever vice versadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1040
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1079



    Description:
       This is a rewrite of the same poem I did before. I hope that this is better. I love it so much! Please... once again, shoot it full of all kinds of critisism so that I can make it great.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd never, ever vice versadots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mind kidnaps the thought of you, and I guess at
    how every single bit of the frantically written poetry, the
    hastily scribbled deer, my favorite ink-splattered jacket and its
    resulting frayed right cuff from jotting down so much of hopeÖ
    all of that is only a great example of Sisyphean pointlessness, but still

    I really just
    want to share with you the few secrets Iíve learned, amidst the chaosĖ
    butiamacoward

    Ėso instead, I lie down in the peaceful grass, underlying the overlying
    thought of dandelion, despite the winter lying around me;
    once-think of rain too, rather than snow, but I know (since Iím not stupid) that
    rain is just one more form of crying
    so I frown like always and off again I wander, ŗ pied to some forgotten churchyard
    just to get away.

    Now that Iím there, I realize actually
    that the thought of you was what kidnapped me. And never, ever vice-versa.
    And I laugh, because
    I am so much entwined in you.




    Submitted on 2005-03-12 21:10:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The last two lines don't do a lot for me; they don't add anything, saying what ought to be obvious from the poem as a whole, and aren't massively original, so give it a bit of a flat ending. Maybe you could incorporate the idea of being entwined somewhere else in the poem?

    I don't like 'the peaceful grass'. It is probably just me, as personifying nature is very poetic and acceptable, I know. So just take this as my personal pickiness. I see that you are trying to convey both peacefulness and grass, and appreciate this, but I object to 'the peaceful grass'. Maybe because it is, in fact, you that is peaceful, and not the grass, the grass is indifferent, and I don't like this sentimentalisation of grass which is probably not in fact feeling peaceful at all. The grass is annoyed, if anything, because you are lying on it. So I suggest 'I lie down peacefully in the grass' or just leave it as plain lying down in the grass, seeing as the poem has a general air of peacefulness, regardless of how the grass is feeling.

    'despite the winter lying around me' - You've already had a lot of 'lying' in that stanza. The repetition may be deliberate, but I think it would read/flow better as 'despite the winter around me'.

    '(since I'm not stupid)' - why is that in there? Just curious. It sounds sort of defensive, and I am wondering why you state that you are not stupid. It's either defensive or self-congratulatory. Not criticising, just wondering, because it is like a kind of aside and sort of sticks out from the rest because it's incongruous.

    Anyway, I have no other criticism to offer. I think this is a good poem, very musing-ish and gently romantic, steering clear of general angst. Really captures the thinking-of-you-while-walking thing that people do when they're in love (I know I do). Although it is really examining yourself more than this other person, but I think there are connections enough. To sum up, this is how I (me, personally, so you can disregard anything you like) would edit it:

    My mind kidnaps the thought of you, and I guess
    that every bit of the frantically written poetry, the
    hastily scribbled deer, my favorite ink-splattered jacket and its
    resulting frayed right cuff from jotting down so much hopeÖ
    all of that is only a great example of Sisyphean pointlessness, but still

    I really just
    want to share with you the few secrets Iíve learned, amidst the chaosĖ
    butiamacoward

    Ėso instead, I lie down peacefully in the grass, underlying the overlying
    thought of dandelion, despite the winter around me,
    once-think of rain, rather than snow, but I know (since Iím not stupid) that
    rain is just one more form of crying
    so I frown like always and off again I wander, ŗ pied to some forgotten churchyard
    just to get away.

    Now that Iím there, I realize
    that the thought of you was what kidnapped me.
    And never, ever vice-versa.


    Becky
    | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      it reminds me of this book i read once.

    it reads like a journal entry and that is the goodness in it. sometimes embarrassing thoughts, some admissions but not enough embarrassing admissions to make it daring like a journal entry. (maybe you need more of those in here.)

    also. some hints of trying to make people think or maybe your favourite words or even...i don't know.

    sisyphean pointlessness is dropped in there like an anvil into the blue sea. does it need to be there? it's almost intrusive in its curiousity and though it peaks the eye it doesn't persist any further because it almost doesn't seem to fit it's arm into the sleeve of the poem. and maybe that is also the goodness?

    like a kid you know that rain is like one more form of crying and it's almost like you're lying because you also know that rain is rain and it is different from crying...but there is the goodness as well because simple dual perspective is what makes us remember what kind of kid(s) we were.

    the ending, though started well...it concluded sort of awkwardly because you presented us with some new information and continued it only with a period. maybe you wanted us to carry ourselves to the next chapter but we are stuck here wondering why you were so entwined and with whom? and maybe we are not to know which is can also be the goodness and i'm never one to pry...but you speak more about the randomness of life than you do about this 'you' in which you are entwined...so it's hard to draw the connections because there is not enough detail linking the two.

    i scratch my head.

    ghost.
    | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by myghostsliketotravel | [ Reply to This ]
      This is more question than feedback. Why did you choose those places for line breaks? The word "at" seems to belong on line 2, and the word "how" is extraneous at best. Similarly, "the hastily..." seem to belong together. I love the "butiamacoward", because it seems to express through the letter grouping the shyness of the wordmeaning.
    I truly think you could improve this poem by regrouping the lines. I notice the more parsimonious use of words in the last stanza, which contrasts well with the "running-on" style of the rest of the poem.
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    50164

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry