I guess you are talking about someone who is thinking twice about the events that led to their outline being chalked out on the pavement by some accident investigation team. Kind of an interesting way to structure it all together. I gues we all make mistakes but I guess some mistakes have a greater impact on us than others.
hey tanka for the nice read it was wonderfull. na just kidding whats up thought Id check inon ya [the only one on the site who ever wrote me a poem]lol so whats up this is an interesting form. I don't know anything about tanka. [tanka god] but what I got from this was a women who maybe a hooker or basically a woman living on the edge of disaster. And she has hit a time in her life that she must choose a path if she doesn't want the forcast that you provided for her. Thats got to be pretty close. Anyway I thought you did a good job of saying alot with only a few words. That's excellent and not the easiest thing to do in the world. Tanka for the good read lamemansterm$
I really enjoy doing haikus and tankas...it's fun to try to fit ideas/images into set formats. You know, to try to condence them. Anyway, I checked the syllables...lol, perfect of course. :P
As for the content, very creepy. Sorta makes you wary of being a rebel...but not enough to conform me to normalcy. LOL! ;) I'd say the only word that needs to be taken out is 'A'. It's an article, a filler word that basically has no place in haikus or tankas. There's so much that much be said in so little space that wasting even one syllable is a tragedy.
I thought this was absolutely wonderful. I'm always trying new styles with my writing because I find that using the same format over and over again just gets dull and boring so I applaud you for putting yourself out there and trying tanka. I myself have never written in this particular style but reading this sort of compells me to try it.
Back to the poem...I must say that it's wonderful! I'm partial to the third person perspective because I just think it gives the writer more opportunity to express themselves, but that's just my two cents on the matter. Anyway, I thought this was very intriguing. You said so much in so few lines that it just blows me away. I don't know if you've seen it, but I watched the movie Garden State today and this piece reminded me a lot of it because it's all about how scary it is to be unique and take the road less traveled instead of conforming to what society expects of you, great movie by the way in case you haven't seen it. I loved that last phrase 'An outline of chalk' I'm not sure why but it just seemed so fitting just and ended everything perfectly.
Alright, I'll stop now because I'm sure you're getting bored of reading this. Great piece and I hope to read more from you soon!
Wow. Sobering. I don't have much knowledge of this style, but just reading it I am pleased with how powerful a statement you made with just a few lines. I will have to read up on Tanka. I am still up to my wazu in haiku. Kudos to you for trying something new. That is to be admired. Smiles- Magnolia