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Forgotten Church

Author: Saphire Twiligh
ASL Info:    17/f/denial
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 213 /187 /34
Words: 102
Class/Type: Prose /Depressed
Total Views: 1068
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 689


i posted this one once but alot of people were saying that it didnt seem done to them so i took it off and for a while i had alot of trouble finding an ending then this poped into my head and it just worked! i hope you pplz like it betta this time!

Forgotten Church

Brown bricks
Unchanged by time
Climbing up high
To the softly pointed roof and steeple
Small but proud.
I step inside
I see sermons preached
And songs sung
Lively weddings
To join forever
Man and wife
And funerals
To say goodbye
On days when forever seemed too close
Now held only by the dust
As it wafted up disturbed by my steps
To play in the long beams of sunlight
Shining gently from the windows
And as I stood in the forgotten church
I reached into my pocket and wondered
How many licks to the center of a tootsie-pop?

Submitted on 2005-03-12 23:37:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  mmm.... it's the first time i read dis piece _ you people call rewrite - .. But I just like the way you ended it....
I like the sens of humor in it.... espacially the way it interfered in a serious ambiance ...
Good Job !!!

So after the experience ... How many licks???:P
lol.. just kidding
| Posted on 2007-11-22 00:00:00 | by Dying Young | [ Reply to This ]
  lol yay poem I like it
| Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by poetinprogress | [ Reply to This ]
  i'm not so sure i'd call it depressed as an oppostion to cliché's and almost integrating a uninque form of cynical satire in an alteristc view, but that's just how i see it
| Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this, it is very good. i like how you describe what you see so quickly. it is like it is flashing before your eyes, as well as the reader's. how you explained the dust in the sunlight, that was great, and sounded beautiful to me. i did not read the first version, but this one was great, i like how you transistioned from the visions in the church to the "how many licks to the center of a tootsie pop" statement. better "enhancing" the forgotten church idea. great work.
| Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  I so was not expecting that last line there. That would pretty funny too! Your imagry in this poem was really great and pulled me in. Keep it up!
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
  Haha! I really liked the way I imagined the whole scene...and then I see the tootsie pop, and it makes me laugh. It has a nice turnaround to it. May not be the best, but it's still good.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
  It took me a minute, I must admit to ponder the last line. I could hear laughter in my head that was not mine and decided to read the poem again. It seems that the church holds many memoies for you, as it never has for me, and I loved your words however I myself am not a fan of religion...but I really think you have talent.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
  You depict the church scene well in this write. I too, think the last line adds humor and color, I'm glad you added it.
In the line "small but proud".. are you describing the steeple, or yourself? Just thought there should be a period there if describing the steeple.
It's a good poem. I like it.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  lmao! OH... oh wow. that was just... wow. It was so calming, sad, and... and... depressing. And all of a sudden you pop out with the most random thing ever! that is halarious! I love it(despite the fact that you misspelled forgotten in the title. : )
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by dead,yetalive | [ Reply to This ]
  hahahahahaha LoL that was great. Another one of your serious turned comedy poems, like "Ghostly Moans". Seeing as I was there when you first thought of this poem, I'd have to say this re write was awesome. It's one of the few rewrites I've seen, but I think u did an excellent job. Once again you've captured the esscence of sadness, and that feeling of depression and hopelessness, even though you ended it with a comedic last line. I'd have to say that was the best ending stanza I've ever read in a poem. Me and dreamer just started laughing and laughing and the other ppls over here (playing video games) were just like "okay...." For some reason when I read this poem I think of that church where we were when I had my music lesson, except it's all worn and falling apart and dust is accumulating in air and sunlight is filtering through the broken windows. Then you stop at the back of the sanctuary, look around, and then pull out a tootsie pop and a little thought bubble appears above your head and it says "How many licks to the center of a tootsie pop?"
LoLz there goes my imagination running away with me! So anyways, awesome write/rewrite. I don't think anything was misspelled, and I liked the format on this one. It goes good with the prose type poem.
Keep up the good work ^_^ And keep on posting!
--Save the Queen---
| Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Save the Queen | [ Reply to This ]
  i pissed myself. my humorous side has gotten the best of me;i think that has to be the greatest example of poetic irony ever!i really couldn't think of anything better you could've said. lmmfao.okay, now seriously, i think it was great imagery and it would actually be very nice to see something done with it. i really wanted a good ending but you kinda made me happy. lol. funny~nahlij
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(mind screams: "need air!must take breath!" i gasps for a breath only to find myself hurled into a state of mindless gigles once again...) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........ok, now that i have recoverd from the land of funnynes,i would like to say...well....that was funny...the origanal was very good very thoughtful and quite lovly...but this one....well it was just surprising,and u know how i love ya thank you for that suden spirt of joy sent into my day.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by dreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  wow silly but it also seems profoundly deep at the same time. I'm not sure exactly what it is that your saying in this one. It sounds cool and has a funny ending so I like it.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Rail | [ Reply to This ]
  i try to write to all those who know one writen or barly has. the title of yours has captured me however. and reading it reminded me of your age and how sad the peice in a way is.
i think you ending is cute and the church isnt really forgoten is it?
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by snufthepunk28 | [ Reply to This ]

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