Hash Banging Force by Xsiv

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Submission Name: Hash Banging Force dots

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Author:	Xsiv
Elite Ratio:	5.82 - 18/20/5
Words:	78

Class/Type:	Poetry/Fuck it all
Total Views:	245
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	506

Description:
Appreciate the thoughts and any suggestions of others

Hash Banging Force dots

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Wake up! Wake up! I say is there anyone even home?!
Your sense of liveliness has vanished and your spirit has enetered the Dead Zone.

Scratch, Scratch my angry pen.
Stab, Stab at my paper again.

Write the words that hurt.
Read the words that kill.
Make you bleed again.
Longer this time still.

Lost, lost as I wander down life's twisted lane.
Panic, panic consumes me and engulfes my spirit again.

Submitted on 2005-03-13 03:28:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Um.. I got a lot of feelings about this one. I got some thoughts that you didn't look over this. I found words spelt wrong... And minor things like that.. I think you should look over that. I didn't really seem to think of this as a poem. I more would think it was random thoughts. Just my opinion..

When I read this.. I thought the best part was...

Write the words that hurt.
Read the words that kill.
Make you bleed again.
Longer this time still.

For that part it all made sense to me. BUt I think this needs a little more work.. Than it will become really good..

stephanie
Well anyways I think that everyone feels like giving up and so on... It hurts being in a situation that you are in right now.. I am in a pretty twisted situation right now to.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem had a lot of origanality, a lot of pain that was shown, and a lot of futile anger inside of it...I could relate the feelings...I liked the lines about the stabbing of the paper and when you wrote about writing the words that hurt, and reading the words that kill...I may be off, yet, as a suicidal, as I wrote notes, those two lines reminded me of when I wrote the terror of words upon a paper, and each of the words that I wrote had practly finished me off, before my actual attempts, and the words that kill that are read after the writing, reminded me of the times that my family had read them, and the hurt that they went through reading them...Yet this could be all about a hate letter...Yes it's origanal, yet it seemed to be missing something inside it, I don't know if it wasn't long enough, or if it was unclear...I know that it can be made clearer if you used analogies, similies, metaphores, or tried using a bit of imagery or new grammar...
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
  First things first, this is actually free verse enough to not take my "better in prose" assessment, so that's a good sign-you employed disjuncted narration and grammatical anomaly just the way it should be for poetic grace.

It reads mellifulously, albeit angrily, and relies on the oft-overused slant/fake rhymes throughout. Granted it IS an authentic technique, but it's also the most abused form idolized by amateurs. There are shorter, more powerful, more original ways to saying the common cliché, and this poem itself isn't exactly the daily drizzle of inadequacy I see on this site, but I felt a greater power than your words conveyed, as if there was a better way to put your words. I'd attempt to polish the poem if I were you; for free verse, touch on personal experiences but make them accessible and you'll have a winner. Art is the process of brushing meaning into mundanity, coloring wisdom into stupidity. Aiming for such, I'd definitely spend as much time as I can reaching into myself or out around me for the inspiration, and then polishing on end until I every single line was poignant.

As for the topic itself, "f**k it all" isn't generally the most difficult poem to write, so it's all style and diction-if you had a cause to write for your current talent would be more than enough to win extol and appreciation, but as it is it takes deep thought to come up with something proviking or powerful in this area.

The lifelessness of life is entertaining; the greats once made a gold mine out of it, and now we're struggling for nuggets in the deepest pits of "been there, done that"s. I just suppose your work would be even better if you chose another subject to write about; I'll go read your other work shortly to verify, but as a suggestion I'd say you might do well adding another subject or message in the poem other than the fact that life is boring and you hate it so you write about it; maybe a historical event, or a personal tragedy, or a madman's perspective?

*shrug* You wanted the general overview.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
  There are a few excellent lines in 'Hash Banging Force' which evoke an intense empathy with your addressee and persona. I love the syntax in the second line of:

Make you bleed again.
Longer this time still.

It reflects a dramatic, elevated address. Another beautiful part is:

Lost, lost as I wander down life's twisted lane.

You skillfully employ repetition here to reflect being lost.
'Hash Banging Force' has a raw energy throughout and the long sentences and repetition, especailly of the and detract from this. I would consider:

Wake up! Wake up!
Is there anyone even home?
Your sense of liveliness has vanished.
Your spirit has entered the Dead Zone.

Scratch at my angry pen.
Stab at my paper again.

Write the words that hurt.
Read the words that kill.
Make you bleed again.
Longer this time still.

Lost, lost as I wander down life's twisted line.
Panic consumes my spirit again.

You could make this poem more vivid by explaining what the persona's and addressee's spirit is like stoned and unstoned? Why does the persona feel the addressee had a 'sense of liveliness'?
Also the third paragraph is overly familair, I think you should cite the words that are so hurtful to write and read. On a smaller matter, the exclamation marks worked well in the first clause but distracted in the second. I think you should omit them.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I really like this one, I see you got plenty of comments so you don't need much from me. I'll just pick out a few parts that particularly grabbed me.

Scratch, Scratch my angry pen.
Stab, Stab at my paper again.

This line kicks ass. I couldn't have written it better myself. Great job. Well I really like the whole thing so I'll just stop there. Thanks. -sin
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
  This had alot of emotion, alot of expression, but it was like verbs without a sentence. It had no context. I mean alot of the lines were really hot, but it leaves me with the annoying feeling that it would have been better had i known just a little more.
shard
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure if this is appropriate to rebut or counter-comment here. So if its not, please excuse me this time. I'm new.
I wanted to Thank everyone for their input and critiquing my writing. I have been to other sites that don't give me a sense of learning that I have so far gotten here. I like that.
As far as my writing, well...I just kind of write what I want and usually its coincides with something that is happeneing in my life or that which I can process in a healthy way.
I'm not a particuliarly educated person or anyone that would be considered an accomplished or talented writer. I have no resumes, rewards, or recognitions in this area. But, I REALLY like to write and most of the time I feel alot better when I'm done. I will look forward to any future input and hope to get to know some of you in time.
If I am not following the guidelines for submitting comments to other member writings...sorry. I don't even know if I am qualified to submit a comment. I can only give my thoughts on what I read and what comes to mind.
Thanks Again.
Xsiv
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by Xsiv | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed reading this. Especially these two stanzas:

'Scratch, Scratch my angry pen.
Stab, Stab at my paper again.'- I could just picture someone etching away words into a piece of paper while crying violently.

'Write the words that hurt.
Read the words that kill.
Make you bleed again.
Longer this time still.'- I liked this. The way how the person seemed to beat themselves up...to write words which they knew would hurt someone else (or maybe even themself?)
| Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Aspartame | [ Reply to This ]

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