This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: Deacon
Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 19 /23 /9
Words: 138
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1136
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 804


This is to all the fathers who never become men. Who leave thier families to fend. Yes this is a small vent........My new son will never fend.... for I have become a man........


Ignorance breeds pestolance on one who's abept to be of eye's shut tight.
So many titter netter here nor there to what toils on wings of despair.
See the dark that surrounds your heart, it's not who you think that bleeds with your evil wink.
We are forced to lay in your labriynth of hate.
It's not too late to throw dirt in my face.
I can't yet smell the trace of disgrace left forever behind in this disgusting place.
I will build you a castle, each grain of sand contains one soul of one man with one heart, two hands.
Open your eyes to the plight of those souls that waste their lives at your throne rejected and alone.
then you will see that it's easy to be still strong and aggressive yet kind and unrepressive.

Submitted on 2005-03-14 08:23:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I am not entirely sure what to say about this. You have a lot of great thoughts here, but I think they are a bit lacking organizationally. The last few lines are really strong, and well done.

This line actually could be the basis of another piece, it could even stand alone as a poem of its own, "I will build you a castle, each grain of sand contains one soul of one man with one heart, two hands."
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
  It has a really good message, but I wouldn't have gotten it if you hadn't explained in your description. I still don't fully see how it means that exactly, but I'll take your word for it. I'm not much for deeper things, I like straightforwardness. But you make it sound so poetic, all the words that you use. I like the slight hint of a rhyme that you have; and like the commenter before me, I also agree that the last few lines are the best. And I'm glad you're a man now. Anyone with male reproductive capabilities can be a Father, but it takes a man to be a Daddy. And so far I haven't come across a man quite like my Dad, he left some big shoes to fill Good Job, this is the first time I come across your work
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?