Death Within Me by pinurplepassion

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Submission Name: Death Within Me dots

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Author:	pinurplepassion
ASL Info:	24/f/somewhere in TX
Elite Ratio:	5.92 - 165/146/17
Words:	110

Class/Type:	Poetry/Death
Total Views:	907
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	720

Description:
I don't know where it came from. I was just thinking about mortality and the way that we are all "born dying" and this is what happened. It's actually an idea that has haunted me since my three year stint working at a funeral home. A little gross, I know, but then again so is the physiology of death. So....enjoy?

Death Within Me dots

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There is death within me,
I have known it from the moments of my necrotic infancy.
A darkness,
Enhanced only by the sweet smell of putrefaction,
That whisps foreward with every breath I take.

There is death within me,
I am but the reeking of carrion under the baking sun.
An illness,
Shadowed only by the subtle taste of decaying flesh,
As the blowflies use my body to breed.

There is death within me,
As the skin slip and rigor mortis change my humbled, human shape.
Mutations,
Hindered only by the echoed sounds of helpless souls,
As the reaper carries them away.

There is death within me.

Submitted on 2005-03-14 09:52:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
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||| Comments |||
  i dont know if i like or like not the repeating of the line

///there is death within me///.

it sounds really good when you write it in the very end of the piece, so, if im aloud to suggest, you could put the line in the end of every bit, not in the beginning. otherwise this little piece was really flowing and beautiful, it kind of is a reminder for one and other of their mortality. after the last line you kind of snap back to reality and remember [oh yes, i'm going to die]. somewhat hopefull to know it's not gonna be like this forever.

///Mutations,
Hindered only by the echoed sounds of helpless souls,
As the reaper carries them away.///

something more than beautiful<3 like black marshmallows in the glitter-rain, totally lost.
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I have to honestly say that this poem is very... pretty. That is weird to say I know, since it is about death. But the words that you used just seemed really beautiful, so poetic. That is why I said pretty. Really made it worth reading. Interesting idea behind this; sad that we really are born dying, thanks to inherited sin. At first I thought that you had too many big words that aren't in every-day use, but that is what made me like it the most once I wuz done reading. And I don't think the repetitiveness of There is death within me at the beginning of each stanza is bad at all.
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
  i had already wrote how much i love this poem but this damn juno cut me off and word so true like the ones i would of had now are lost. im at a friends and im used to comecast so im kinda pissed right now. ill reword this later on a real computer when i know my thoughts arn't wasted from this dull crappy dial up. i really loved this and do have a deep comment on it but ill submit that later. this is going to my fav. p.s. I HATE JUNO, IT SUCKS. I WANT MY CABLE BACK.
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
  Pretty good. my kind of writting, i like this alote. I like how smooth it is written and how deep it was brought out from you. i feel the meanning behind it and i love it. its going on my fav. every word you used was perfect to discribe and float this thought you felt. thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
  ok im never working in a funeral home i rather enjoy this one in a morbid kinda way the repeating line really emphasizes the point of the poem granted the imagery is not something i really needed before breakfast anyways great write
| Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by Georgia Gurl | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Pinurplepassion

I have read your poem a couple of times, and think that you have something, but it still need some more work ;0) I like the words you have used, but it is like I am missing something.. I do not know exactly what it is, but I have tried to work with and see if I was able to do anything at all. It is very hard to do anything without changing some essential parts of your poem. I am not satisfied at all, but I gave it a shot ;0)

Death is within me,
known it from the moments of my necrotic infancy.
Darkness,
Enhanced by the sweet smell of putrefaction,
whisps (spelling error or) foreward in breath

Death is within me,
Reeking in the baking sun.
Illness,
Shadowed by the subtle taste of decaying flesh,
(As the blowflies use my body to breed.) I do not know ;0)

Death is within me,
Changes my humble human shape
Stiffness
Hindered by the echoed sounds of helpless souls,
As the reaper carries them away.

Death is within me.

Not good enough, but maybe you are able to use some of it;0)

Keep Writing ;0)

KNS
| Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.