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    dots Submission Name: The Funeraldots

    Author: jaycee
    ASL Info:    44/F/ Texas
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 2626/1259/187
    Words: 283
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1172
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1823

       This is a first draft. please make suggestions for editing.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Funeraldots

    A sad, solomn event,
    The widow, dressed in veleveteen,
    despite the warmth and sun,
    Clinging for support:
    Searching for any anchor now that hers
    has gone adrift.
    A son, the image of his father,
    struggles to stand strong,
    as tears run down his cheeks.
    And the daughter,
    Daddy's little girl, despite having one of her own,
    weeps heartbroken on her husbands shoulder,
    Unable to believe that the man,
    who first taught her about love has truely left her.
    The echoes of sobs and choked breaths echo
    through the chapel as homage is paid to a man
    who loved nature and his family.
    But in the cloak of death they forgot.

    They forgot to honor his love of life;
    His ability to make those around him smile with a few words;
    His willingness to help and toil for others-
    always pleased with what his hands had wrought.
    They forgot the joy that the simplest pleasure of life brought him.
    Looking into the casket, at skin to long cold,
    they forgot thr vibrancy of his presence.
    Amid the tears and heartache, they never even noticed
    how befitting the day for his final farewells-
    the new-sprung grass a blinding green in brilliant sunlight;
    The breeze just cool enough to take away the sting of heat;
    The water gently bumbling along in the nearby creek as nature sings its joyful goodbye.

    The wretchedness of mourning, eclipsed the joy of his life and
    The strong oak became the weeping willow,
    flowing over the casket, unable to depart from
    his soulless body for the final time.
    Salt-laden tears nourished the earth
    As it awaits a time when joy will again eclipse sorrow.

    Submitted on 2005-03-14 17:43:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      i like this piece.. i like the two different emotions.. i totally understand the usage of sun instead of gloomy when you talk about the funeral day.. this is true... to remember a loved one when gone with the joy of who they were.. and i also agree with the person who commented that a tear shed can show a type of honor for the passed one.. a tear to say they'll be missed.. a tear saying that they will forever effect there lives.. even though they are gone.. if that makes sense..

    good piece.. the emotions shine through.. and the sentiment is amazing.. :)
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of my favorites by you, The best thing is that you gave the members of the family their own passage so that their feelings are completely sorted out.
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by BrokenStream | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa, that is a great poem, It's kind of a little bit too mixed up, if you get that. I think it's already a beautiful piece though and I really like what it's saying about the pain and sorrow eclipsing the joy of his life. But, if he didn't have a joy filled life and he was mean then nobody would go to the funeral, so in an odd way the tears are like saying, "you were a great guy, and a lot of fun to be around...and damn it I'm gonna miss ya man a whole lot." Sorry if that is to joke like for the subject but after losing as many loved ones as I have you start to joke about it, even at the funeral, no disrespect to the dead, cuz they would have laughed at it if they were alive, you gotta stay sane somehow in the midst of so much death. Cool poem, l8r.
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by alittlebithippy | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay. So let’s start. As the person who commented before me has already mentioned, there are a few typos here in this poem. “Solemn” in the first line of the first stanza, “velveteen” in the second line of the first stanza, and “truly” in the fourteenth line, and also “the” in the seventh line of the second stanza.

    The poem itself is quite straightforward, though original. Because it does not want to mourn the passing away of a person, instead it wants to celebrate the vitality that the person had, which is now forgotten. It has a little narrative tone, mind you, just a tone. The language, the imagery is definitely original poetry. At some places the narrative got a little too overwhelming, but the melodrama added kind of reversed the effect.

    The trademark “hope is still there” ended is noticed. Good work, and by the way I agree about this site going downhill. I’ve been trying to comment as hard as I can, I neither get thank you’s or comments. Perhaps Eliteskills is really dead. The funeral…

    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Once again I think you've done a great job. Your description is very evocative, showing the reader the sadness of a funeral and also the joys of life. Yet, you also have a clear message for the reader: that one, perhaps while acknowledging the sadness that the cherished one's depature has created, should celebrate the person's life. It is a time to pay tribute to what the person would want to be remembered for, that person's joys in life. Our reaction should in some measure reflect both the elements of sadness and joy, even though most people tend to focus on their loss.
    First just easy editing:
    Verse 1
    1: sol[e]mn
    12: husband's
    14: truly
    Verse 2
    5 simplest of pleasures or simplest pleasures
    7 too long cold
    8: the vibrancy
    Verse 1
    3 i understand why you have the warmth and sun: cause you're anticipating the second verse, as well as, already marking the incongruity of only lamenting someone's death without joy. I think it works.
    4 maybe "clinging" could be "reaching", since she doesn't actually find anything to cling unto.
    5 Your break after "hers" is a little bit of an odd interruption; maybe you can break after "anchor"
    10 I like how you have daughter stuck out there giving a little suspense.
    12 it may be just me, but i associate heartbroken with romantic love, but like i said that could be just me.
    15 i don't see why you have "echoes" "echo". It seems a little redundant without any additional poetic content.
    16 maybe you can add a sad epithet like mournful homage" just to make sure the reader knows that not all is right with this mournful homage.
    17 it's a little odd that you place nature first and then family, as if he thought first of nature and then only his family.
    Verse 2
    I like your anadiplosis (repeating the last word of one line in the beginning of the next) cause it picks up the interruption (which was artfully done :)) and links the two verses while at the same time indicating that they are different in tone.
    Verse 3
    1 should "and" be moved to the second line?
    2-4that's the crown jewel right there. beautiful imagery.
    5 not sure why u used the past tense "nourished".
    You know, actually i'd eliminate the last 2 lines, because nothing is gonna compare with the beautiful preceding passage, and you make your point clear with nature knowing better than to mourn.
    Maybe a little more imagery here and there, on occasion it reads more like a prosaic description than evocative poetry.
    Seriously, i really enjoyed reading your poetry and would not have taken the time to analyse it had it not be such a pleasure. Keep these coming. :) Peace
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's too long too and drifts away from your original intended focus, but other than that it's quite deep and emotional. you seem to try to show the dichotomies of sadness and joy but I am not sure what the point of that is except to show that people forget all about the good times when someone dies. I think with a little more focus and maybe some shortening, this will improve the flow and interest. it's a sad subject to begin with but maybe you can turn it into the joyful thing you are looking for.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      well all I can say is it's a little too long. Also why use sun when a gray cloudy sky would be more approprate(SP) for a funeral.
    I get two emotions here. One is sad and the other one is joy. I think because you are writing about a funeral, you should stick with sad.
    all in all it was ok.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]
      Its on its way to a beautiful peice. There are some suggestions though: the first stanza was a bit confusing, I kind of knew what you were saying and at the same time didn't (around lines 10-12) I would also suggest not using teh word eclipse more than once in a poem, its a strong ad powerful word that should leave the reader a feel of emotion...kind of like one of those use only once things. I would like to see a final draft of this!
    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]
      The Funeral is too obvious a title I think: you might come up with one that intrigues and/or draws in - maybe nature's last goodbye?
    I know that you want to make sure everyone gets their moment in the spotlight and they do but again, it's maybe a little obvious.
    You might consider:
    A sad, solemn event
    with his woman dressed in velveteen...

    The image of a father,
    struggling to be strong,
    now a man
    as tears...

    And Daddy's little girl,
    with one of her own
    weeps, broken hearted
    onto her man's soaking shoulder...

    It's all here Jan but it does read a little clumsily in places because you have so much to say and you say it.
    I think the art here would be to infer more, to suggest emotion and looks and so on, as well as the showing words you use, which are strong.
    I have ideas of how I would write this and if you want I'll PM you with something with which to compare. I'm well aware that having your work re-written for you can be a pi55er!
    It's a difficult subjest to write about but you have made a strong first shout.
    Over and out.
    Take it easy,
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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