I feel translucent like a ghost
when people pass me by
cold and left out
I'm in doubt
My mind is a mystery
frustration overwhelming me
I try to understand my thoughts
but they won't agree
But in a lucid interval
I see it all clear
bathed in lucidity
There's nothing to fear
In this lucid interval...
| Welcome to E.S.! Hope you have fun here. Enjoyed this bit of lyric. Have a few suggestions, use them or abuse them. Here they are:|
S1 - L1 Change "translucent" to "transparent". L3 Change "out" to "outside". L4 Change to "I have my doubts".
S2 - L4 Change to "but we cannot agree".
S3 - L2 Add "so" before "clear". L4 Change "to" to "for me".
Just suggestions for you to consider. I'm not hearing the music that you're hearing, so none of this may fit. Just my thoughts.
|| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || I will say your doing alright since your just starting out. Its hard to put down feelings sometimes, poetry form makes it easier, at least to me. If you go with those feelings and expand I know i will see some great stuff from you.||| Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by crowded_mind | [ Reply to This ] || Well... thank you all for your comments. Its nice to get such compliments on my very first poem. |
I would really love to avoid clichés, but i just felt that it was the best way to put it.
Any other comments?
|| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Captain Lucidit | [ Reply to This ] || Well, if this was your first write...you are a natural. The hardest battles to fight are those that are within yourself. No one else can see them so they just walk by. You are left feeling cold inside like you are expecting one to just notice. Great use of words and great rhythm. Consider yourself a poet.|
|| Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ] || ai ai captain, it sounds great, never knew you had that in you, or maybe I did...I also like the whole thought about the lucid interval, the mid section might be a bit cliché but altogether some good thoughts and word choices...||| Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by caspian | [ Reply to This ] || dude. First of all, welsome to Elitskills, It's fun.|
I have only one problem and that is that I wish you had more writings posted. this is good for a first attempt. The message is so clear, so flowing that it could transport you to a new place where all is good and transparent and you can tell what's going on.
|| Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by StarAcabar | [ Reply to This ] |