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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Sound of Imploding Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 734
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 693



    Description:
       I have no clue what this is. I decided against the second stanza. There were some things about it that I didn't think were working.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Sound of Imploding Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    On a dull street corner,
    two Wonder Bread-fed suburban kids
    dressed in gang-approved urban garb
    try to twine their tongues into a rope braid.
    While her chubby hands clasp his slender buttocks,
    his are under her arms
    in that no man's zone between breast and pit,
    but you're not sure
    why you can't look away,
    or if that sucking sound you hear
    comes from them
    or the pleasant wasteland around you.
    But you secretly suspect
    they've managed
    by some freak flaw in this tattered universe
    to create a dream-imploding vortex
    by hoovering each other's faces.




    Submitted on 2005-03-15 15:11:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      this started out very shallow, a parody of first kisses that was very funny (because there isn't a day that goes by that i don't see some punk @ss kid walking around like they're the $hit when i know they're still afraid of their mommas temper) but then you allow the camera to slide back to include a passerby, a witness to the crime against fashion and the superficiality falls away and it's not about two badly dressed kids trying to get some before soccer practice ... perhaps it's more longing, a wish that this passerby had more moments like this when they had the chance? it becomes more about this witness than the kissers.

    and i love the fact that you used "hoovering" in this piece. thanks for sharing. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, I didn't really find it funny, I just loved it as a great realistic description of the vagaries and contradictions in this modern-day world. What are they doing there? (if I got the right impression, I thought of it as a run-down low-class neighbourhood). It's certainly ironic, and strangely tragic, I can't say why I feel sorry for them, maybe cos they've got nowhere else to go to suck face?
    Anyhow, very, very original idea, and a great description of teenage groping. Excellent work!
    | Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I m not sure whther it meant to be funny either, but it was the hoovering faces that did it. What I love with your writing is the way your imagery pulls me into each charater so I actually either experience being one of them or being an obsever in the actually story. I love the no mans land between breast and pit. Re read it several times and still giggling...
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think you meant that to be funny, but I must agree with a previous comment that it is quite funny. Romantic comedy and by the way, that sucking sound comes from the pierced lips and cheeks leaking outside air to hoovered inner cavities. Oooh, juck! Good thing they're not blowing! Heh, heh, thoroughly enjoyed this.
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really funny, it describes most modern teens. Things can get a bit out of hand in public in a nation of aphrodiziac nation on bottom dwellers and mindless media drones who know nothing but plastic romances and pornographic intamacies. cool little bit.
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is hilarious! I love the imagery, can just picture it! The only thing I didn't understand was (the main point, apparently), what you meant by "dream-imploding". Are you referring to each other's dreams, or to the dreams of the onlooker?
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Amelit | [ Reply to This ]
      I really loved the image of two middle-class kids trying to be bad with urban wear. Your imagery was so vivid that I could not look away, either. I think that part of this is that kids are so intense in their "LOVE" that it throws pheremones for miles around. I think that they do this because they think that no one has ever felt like this before and they want the world to see what real love is like. I adore teen-agers because they are so "becoming" and unfinished.
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      really strong picture and clever and fun word choices and phrases.

    Two Wonder Bread-fed suburban kids
    Dressed in gang-approved urban garb

    My God. Hilarious. So true too. Not sure which sarcastic remark I love more, "Wonder Bread-fed" or "gang-approved urban garb"...

    In that no man's zone between breast and pit

    Again. Hilarious. What a great way to explain it and hell, who amoung us haven't been there on one end or the other? (It's a great tickle spot though)

    This was a lot of fun and in some way actually a bit of a social commentary. Strong intelligent enjoyable piece.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I would personaly include the last stanza but i would also split up the top into two stanzas so that its three all together. I loved the line Two Wonder Bread-fed suburban kids
    and i really hate watching kids like that make out in the hallways and such.
    | Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by NeonOrangePrize | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this! I think you should put the stanza at the end. It sort of establishes the idea of "And they'll breed their own replacements" which I didn't pick up on in the first stanza. I liked this because it's an every day occurrence. The person couldn't tear their eyes away though, which is great because everyone has that feeling sometime or another. The one where you know you shouldn't look but you get the feeling that something is different about that situation/person. :) I enjoyed this. Great job!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is pretty funny, especially the 'hoovering' line. You could keep or delete the last stanza. To me it doesn't really add anything.
    | Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      They are horny and care-free. you can't look away because you wish you could be horny and care-free. Maybe? I shouldn't psychoanalyze.

    I like what you've done in the piece. You describe the scene well enough for me to get a very solid picture of what you are talking about (though this may be helped by the fact that the last two times I went to your home town I was struck by similar images. Camden and Columbia don't have the same prevelence of that kind of a white-thug wannabe suburban kid that greenwood seems so over-run by). Your words for describing the scene and your analysis of it's meaning to you and to them are well-chosen and fun to read.

    It is a very easy poem to read and understand, while at the same time offing some really nice and fairly complex images.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      I like "Wonder Bread-Fed"...so descriptive of middle American youth...I get the picture of white-trash (for lack of a better term)...it always seems as if the girl is chubby and the boy is skinny in those relationships...wonder why that is...

    anyway, this has a nice sort of dreamlike quality to it...as if you see these kids in a daydream...and you can't look away.

    it's interesting that the "pleasant wasteland " could be making a sucking noise...possibly middle America zapping the life-force from the air...
    I like "hoovering"...clever.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]


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