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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Disconnectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bent
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 244/157/18
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 883
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1577



    Description:
       I was thinking about the separation anxiety that shuts down your life for a time when you realize someone you really love (or loved) is gone for good. This writing just fell out. I'm not sure what to do with it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDisconnectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I prick my finger, blood drop swells,
    But never pain to feel,
    The word arrives within my brain:
    The message isn't real.

    The flaming sky turns black and wet,
    The lightning bird takes flight.
    It's just a movie on a screen,
    My hand can block the light.

    The people walking to and fro
    Are mannequins that move.
    The artificial sounds they make
    Come from a vinyl groove.

    The smells are only scratch-n-sniff,
    The steak is plastic, too,
    The rehydration power drink
    An artificial brew.

    The real things I touch and see
    Are featureless and gray.
    The sun below horizon sits --
    It's neither night nor day.

    Taste and smell abandon me,
    My senses shutting down.
    The numbness creeps across my skin,
    From sole of foot to crown.

    The tender place within my heart
    Stopped hurting me today.
    The vital organ beating there
    Has simply gone away.

    My toes and fingers icy cold
    Don't flex or move at all,
    I slump against the cinder wall,
    And sit before I fall.

    With every sense a counterfeit,
    My disconnect complete,
    I cower deep inside my brain,
    The dark is bittersweet.

    You were my life, you made me live
    Each minute, day and year.
    With you subtracted from my soul,
    I know there's nothing here.








    Submitted on 2005-03-16 00:12:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      is it a curse or a gift to be able to feel?
    i think your piece really brought to mind that question.
    sometimes we just shut down and hide away, then we feel what you discribed so prefectly in your piece.
    i have no idea what to say about the flow and rhyme and whatever other thingies but i think you have enough of that from your other comments so no real lost.
    | Posted on 2007-04-07 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
      The real things I touch and see
    Are featureless and gray.
    The sun below horizon sits -
    It's neither night nor day.

    This is an awesome stanza first of all...it really spoke to me and it was just really powerful.

    With every sense a counterfeit,
    My disconnect complete,
    I cower deep inside my brain,
    The dark is bittersweet

    This was equally powerful, I can really imagin this and feel this and your poetry is just so awesome. I applaud this...five stars...bug ten whatever, you write really well and this was an awesome poem.
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how in stanza 7, the first two lines make you think the person has gotten over whatever it was bothering them, but then the next lines make you realize OOPS! Jumped to conclusions there! The subject is tired, but you've presented it in a new way, one I never would have thought of. I like.
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by LonelyorLost | [ Reply to This ]
      ok this one is my fav* i love the desrcription of how you feel so numb to everything. it's like nothing matters anymore when you lose that person. i've never really been there so i can't say i know the feeling, but i think you painted a great picture of it. BRAVO my dearest, you are becoming such a fantastic writer*

    Jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I'd say more, but my mind is drawing a blank as to any words that could say more than wow does. lol. Did that make sense? Bent, you are an amzing writer. You really captured the feeling that when someone dies, everything suddenly turns unreal. It's as if everything falls apart. You used the perfect words to capture the disbelief that follows a loved one's death. Wow. This is one for my faves. I wish I could add a person to my faves list. lol. Keep writing!
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Areinaka | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoy the flow you put into this poem...The way that you wrote it goes together so well. I sometimes feel seperation anxiety from friends that have passed on...I once had a boyfriend that I loved so much but he died and I never got to tell him how I felt:oS
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by SammySueYou | [ Reply to This ]
      God, this was beautiful. If I had written it, my father would have said, 'you're too serious' and I would have stared at him blankly, which is what you should do if anyone ever tells you this. This was deep and fully expresses the feeling of emptiness when we no longer are with someone we care very much for. I have to make it a favorite. I love it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm glad you decided what to do with this writing, and post it here. I enjoyed reading it, even though its rather depressing.
    As I think you meant it to be.
    From start to finish, the pace and the rhythm of this writing are in perfect step with the images and feelings that the words conjured. The rhymes fell in naturally, and didnt give the dreary theme a singsong sugary feel, but rather complemented the rhythm. I admire your well-diciplined structure, and vivid wording.
    I think this one will go in my favs.
    thanks again for deciding that this should go here.
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch...how painful. I hope this feeling is fleeting...and not all the time. I felt my mouth turn into a frown as I read-

    "The tender place within my heart
    Stopped hurting me today.
    The vital organ beating there
    Has simply gone away." -almost like a depressing Shell Silverstein line.

    Your rhyme is really perfect...although I must admit I'm not a fan of the "too" and "you" rhyme...(although we all use it from time to time) it kind of ruins the originality of the plastic steak and "scratch and sniff"...ya know what I mean?

    Loss is a b.itch! but life goes on (to quote the Beatles)...hope things feel better soon.
    Marianne
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm really feeling this. I was also there above the clouds looking down on humanity, smelling plastic, falling grey and feeling that black hole inside, an absence that is constantly growing and sucking on thoughts and feelings alike. Don't know why, I think it's because of the flow and the subject matter but the 3rd stanza reminded me of this lines from "The Waste Land" by T. S. Eliot:

    "O the moon shone bright on Mrs. Porter
    And on her daughter
    They wash their feet in soda water"

    Anyway, good writing!
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey bent- I thought this was really unique- the cliché' police would have no gripes about this one. I thought your metaphors and images were very strong and you described things in a disjointed way which goes nicely with your title. There are some particular lines that I enjoyed...
    "The flaming sky turns black and wet,
    The lightning bird takes flight."
    I got that picture in my mind's eye- you know the one where just before the storm, the sky looks like a painting, where the sun is trying to overtake the clouds, but the storm wins out. I feel like that is your take on love in this piece.
    "The people walking to and fro
    Are mannequins that move.
    The artificial sounds they make
    Come from a vinyl groove.

    The smells are only scratch-n-sniff,
    The steak is plastic, too.
    The warmth I feel against my palm -
    I know it isn't you."

    I really like these two stanza's and they evoke an awkwardness and feeling that everything around you is artificial and meaningless, void of soul. I think you have a good one here. Usually I don't like rhyming for topics that are this serious, because I think they can sound sing-songy, but your choice of words was so good I feel that you pulled it off. Take care bent- Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]


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