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    dots Submission Name: Blaze Away The Daysdots

    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1065

       i used a third person perspective to hopefully show how i feel i'm watching myself go through all this, it almost doesn't seem real. that it can't be happening to me. i didn't edit this one, it just kinda spilled out in 3 minutes

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlaze Away The Daysdots

    The days which she'll blaze, trapped in a haze
    Of fights and tears and longing
    And though she'll use ways to fight through this craze
    She'll never have a sense of belonging

    And still she'll choke as she breathes in the smoke
    Her throat screams and burns
    For days without dope are the days which she spoke
    Of love that did not hurt

    Times dry without drinking, where her thinking
    Was brilliant and her glorious crowning
    But now with breath stinking, her eyes constantly blinking
    Away the blood which in her heart is drowning

    Wrists without scars, seem distant as Mars
    And as long ago as once upon a time
    To reach swirling stars, she'll use knives to carve
    Painful inscriptions to reach the sublime

    Singing of times that were, when living was sure
    And thanks came with each breath
    Oh, she dreams to be pure; for it would be to her, the
    Only solution, only way, is death

    Submitted on 2005-03-16 00:18:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i really liked how you used another means of relief to convey. although you still slipped into that cutting bubble we all eventually do shift into, its good to finally see someone talk about another method to numbing your pain away. people don't really see marijuana as something that can do this this but, honestly, and it may sound naive but, i think its a better route to take than risking your life each and everytime you cut. but then again, this is from a biased perspective that doesn't consider cutting good in the least most of the time. i personally think that both will kill you and should be avoided but some people can't think correctly when they're experiencing pain. we can't remedy pain, but we can alter how we deal with it. its a matter of fortitude, really. well, there's my piece~nahlij
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it, I think you got some good potential. You need to get the syllables right, i have to speed up sometimes to fit it all into the beat, you know how you read.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      It sounds pretty good. I like the internal rhyme, especially when the lines aren't end-stopped (like "Times dry without drinking, where her thinking/Was brilliant..."). I agree about the syllable count-reading it in certain places is awkward. I almost think your poetry could benefit from using all of these techniques without a strict form to adhere to. There are a few places that have less quality just to fit the meter/rhyme scheme ("seem distant as Mars"). I can paint in my mind a vague picture of the girl you speak of, but it does seem detached. One part that stands out to me in terms of description is "To reach swirling stars, she'll use knives to carve/Painful inscriptions to reach the sublime." Although it seems repetitive (reach swirling stars/reach the sublime), I get a good sense of why the character does what she does. I think this is excellent for something unedited and has the potential of being much better with some revision.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by lauriette | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good, but more then a little sad. I like how the images where written and how you didn't seem to use some of the more used clichés I've seen on this site. I hope you write more soon!
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]

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