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    dots Submission Name: PHASES OF THE MOONdots

    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nature
    Total Views: 1203
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 578


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    dotsPHASES OF THE MOONdots

    Phases of the moon now cresent,
    the cat's eye evily is watching.
    Gibbous of the pattern soon will be showing,
    next the evil human dog is comeing.

    The third quarter I observe,
    intell overcome by morning.
    Every night slightly the moon is changing,
    the pattern eternally the same as I am growing.

    Our planet only living from sunlight showing,
    every mind and matter on it depending.
    Yet the cold dead dusty rock is glowing,
    only to unoften obscured the great ambasador of morning.

    Submitted on 2005-03-16 18:18:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, [censored] yeah~! Fabulous write. Though there are some typos or misspellings. I love your style, and I want you to share whatever hallucinagen it is you take with me. Don't take it personally or anything and if you're not into that kind of thing, my mistake. But this is some quality writing in my opinion. -sin
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good. I think I am going to have to sit down and look over some more of your stuff. I have a couple suggestions if you dont mind.

    I think the second line may read better if it said, "The cat's eye, evil, is watching"

    And mybe in the next stanza, "Every night, though slight, the moon is changing"

    The very last line confused me a little.

    I see the pattern, or rythm, or whatever you are going for, and I like it, its just that sometimes when you get a pattern in your head and try to stick with it, you end up rearranging words to comply, and it helps to have a fresh eye, to stick with your original idea but also make it more approachable. K now for the good stuff.

    Oddly enough, given what I have just said, my favorite line is "Every mind and matter on it depending". I think that the unusual word order in that line makes it stand out and since this is a central, and vital idea that speaks volumes.

    Truth be told it is really hard for me to comment on this, because it is such a strong idea that branches off into about a billion others in my mind. Its dark and ominous, yet beautiful, and its sad and unhopeful, yet the "great ambassador of morning" ending makes it feel much more kind and warm. Mixed emotions. Wow! I really liked this, and I am starting to ramble so I am going to stop now.

    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
      as usual, this was another great poem meaning-wise. i dont have time at the moment to give you a detailed response, but i just wanted to mention that the rhythm is a little skewed. its fine if you dont want a steady rhythm, but in this case you have a clearly defined system of beats, but they dont really fit. sorry this is so rushed, i'll comment again later. -jinx
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by jinx | [ Reply to This ]
      unusual, but in a very very good way. i loved your imagery as well as your diction. there were certain lines esp which stood out at me, cat's eye and the entire last stanza. it does feel as thought it jumps a little between stanza's though. mostly the last two. it's like there's a gap there that should be filled, if you know what i mean.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by TT | [ Reply to This ]

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