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Filthy Prince


Author: Rubi_Roja
ASL Info:    20/F/
Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 185 /164 /29
Words: 177
Class/Type: Poetry /Romance
Total Views: 1248
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1101



Description:


I wrote this a few years back....
it was one of my first poems but it is still one of my favorites...I hope you all enjoy...but if not let me know :)


Filthy Prince



I’ve see a lot of good things die ,
But have done nothing but watch them leave,
I threw all my cards in your face,
Just to find you had three more up your sleeve,
Everyday I am plagued with the “If’s” I find lying around,
If I could take away the green from your eyes,
They would be left a beautiful brown,
If I could take back the first caress,
Then maybe I could backtrack my fall,
But I can’t do either,
And I ‘m not handling this gracefully at all,
I’ve made so many choices,
But still can’t tell wrong from right,
The funny thing is I was never really blind,
Before you found your way into my sight,
So I will wait for it now,
Like you waited breathlessly for my reaction,
It would have stung differently,
If you didn’t taste like satisfaction,
My mind has been troubled with thieves and guilt,
That night ever since,
Could it be somehow before,
Between the old rags and dirt streaked skin,
I missed a prince?




Submitted on 2005-03-17 03:19:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Good write. The frame of this poem was done well and it flowed off the tongue. The use of words I liked in he description. Good job.
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, now that is one of the best poems I have ever read on this site, even though your structure is away from the norm,yet it work perfectly. So many great lines in this poem and the nding was exactly what an ending is suppose to be, so powerful and profound,bravo

There is so much spirituality in this poem without you even trying,which makes this poem magical to me.

I am not only going to add it to my fav, I am going to print it and frame it and put in on my wall. That should tell how I feel about this poem, in my mind this is a masterpiece,so I shall feel bad for you, after this poem,writing at this level will be hard to follow,but I believe you have many other masterpieces within you,if you keep your poems this honest, clear and original.
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this very much. It seems to be about choices made and then regretted, something we all do at one time or another and which normally no one else wants to hear about. But you make your points in a compelling, original way that holds attention, yet is easy to relate to and empathize. I liked the " “If’s” -lying around,". Isn't that the truth when we ponder and anguish over decisions that we wish weren't carved in stone? I had some problems with the puntuation, I think some commas shoud be periods, full stops, and some like the one after "Ifs lying around" should be a semi colon as all the "ifs" are listed after it.

I really liked these lines,–
It would have stung differently,
If you didn’t taste like satisfaction,

because it so aptly describes the anxiety you feel,-it's much easier to make choices when the options are clearly pro or con, but when you put away something that is satisfying in some way, and later feel unsatisfied, then you will be plagued by doubts, unable to "handle it gracefully".(after satisfaction there should be a full stop, the end of that thought.)

I found something a little off in these lines
"My mind has been troubled with thieves and guilt,
That night ever since,"

- the inversion of "ever since that night" seems to be forced to suit the rhyme scheme.It also is off metrically from the other lines. I think the rhyme is fairly subtle, and not needed really, and may read more smoothly with just incidental rhyme or none at all.Or you could keep the ever since and precede it differently
"My mind has been troubled with thieves and guilt,
through (sleepless )(lonely)(confusing)nights ever since,
or you could search for a different rhyming word, [ convince, wince, prints, hints]

I liked the ending very much too, as it seems to clarify why you made the decision you did. Something to consider, perhaps is to repeat the "Could it be"-just before the last line.-it may heighten the effect of the last line. I liked the way this last line brought us back to title and again, points out the reason for your troubled mind in this choice. You may have missed the diamond in the rough.

Could it be somehow before,
Between the old rags and dirt streaked skin–
Could it be
I missed a prince?

As I said, I enjoyed the idea behind the "Filthy Prince", and make these suggestions as just that, just things I thought might make good poem even better.
Silver
| Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this is really good. When I first looked at it, and saw the varying line lengths, I thought the rhythm was going to suffer for it... I'm glad that I was wrong... despite (or possibly because of?) syllabic differences between lines, it has a lilting, sing-songy flow that I enjoyed immensely. The rhyme scheme is nice and unforced feeling, and generally adds to the work.

Most importantly, some of your phrasing is so utterly inventive and original that I'm in awe. I want to be you when I grow up (umm... except, a guy or whatever). If I's lying around, green eyes turning brown, cards up his sleeve, taste like satisfaction, and, my favorite, I wasn't blind before I met you. Way to knock down a common cliché.

Finally, I found the ending to be concise, non-clichéd, and perfect for the piece. It wasn't the typical "woe is me, for my lost love" (which, incidentally, is my most common theme :P), instead, it was a more detatched observation. Well done.
| Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  this is good. very good actually. just seemed to step a *bit* out of toe with the rhyming scheme (with the length of the verses)...wait all of that really shouldnt matter. i like it.
| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by serpentarius | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow...that was just amazing...whatever you do, change absolutely nothing with this. I can see why it's your favorite, it's going on my favorites list. I can't tell you anything but how beautiful and awesome this piece is. It's so original, the way it all pieces together...the essence of poetry, the definition of great.
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
  aaawww... the poem is very touching, but the most in the way you end the poem. it was a good read because i think its seems sad and calm.

If I could take away the green from your eyes,

by that line i was hooked into the poem and then the rest was beautiful cuz i think it is easy to relate to and it flows nice. the content and emotion of the poem seems powerful but not overpowering. except the ending is great and touching so i think any where that the poem lacked a little the ending makes such an impact that it makes up for it. its nice for one of your first writes. it seems you skipped the crappy whiney faze. ... bye Ruby =d
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  aaawww... the poem is very touching, but the most in the way you end the poem. it was a good read because i think its seems sad and calm.

If I could take away the green from your eyes,

by that line i was hooked into the poem and then the rest was beautiful cuz i think it is easy to relate to and it flows nice. the content and emotion of the poem seems powerful but not overpowering. except the ending is great and touching so i think any where that the poem lacked a little the ending makes such an impact that it makes up for it. its nice for one of your first writes. it seems you skipped the crappy whiney faze. ... bye Ruby =d
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the way the poem flows and the way you connect things not usually connected. totally original. the "if's" lying around and the part about the cards. brilliant. kind of reminds me of myself. haha

good job

*wendy lee
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved the lines following the "if I's you find laying aroud". Brilliant.

The funny thing is I was never really blind,
Before you found your way into my sight,

Loved these lines as well. You had some nice elements of poetry in here. You are pretty good girl...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
  The structure is very well done, but the balance is a bit thrown off. With a weak beginning and a strong end, you need a kind of middle ground to balance it out. The first few lines are the ones that should pull one into the poem. I had little interest in it at first, but as I read on, it became steadily more powerful till the end. However, it is still a good write, and I eventually enjoyed reading it. The theme behind it is original, and it adds some flavor to the piece. Your use of words captures emotion, but makes it not sound like a whiny poem, which is a good thing in this case. Overall decent work, if you make the beginning just as strong as the end, it could possibly make the poem even better than it already is.
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the structure of this poem, and I think the ending is very strong. It is not the typical "what if" poem, and I like that. You did an excellent job keeping it original, and keeping the usual "whine" element out that these types of poems usually contain. I like it, but would do a little more refining on the beginning...the ending is so strong that I would like to see the beginning stronger too. Good luck and good job!
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by deepinthought | [ Reply to This ]


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