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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bleeding Out Heartachedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SammySueYou
    ASL Info:    20/f/nm
    Elite Ratio:    3.12 - 79/70/25
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 261
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1162



    Description:
       I wrote this poem because it is hard to get someone to notice you and sometimes people do drastic things like I once did....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBleeding Out Heartachedots
    -------------------------------------------


    To feel your arms around me once more,
    is something I would surely die for.
    As my blood drips from a broken vein onto your skin,
    a part of me feels for only an instant.
    My heart beats fast when I am around such manipulation,
    For you to feel my love this was my contemplation.
    You were numb to my affection when I put my life on the line,
    I didn’t want to be alone and I was running out of time.
    You pushed me away as I ran into the street,
    The loose gravel was cutting beneath my bare feet.
    I stumbled upon another broken heart that streamed out of someone’s tears;
    things would be so much easier if I had one hundred years.
    A death sentence written by doctors around,
    I opened my eyes to a car wrecking sound.
    Two bright lights blinded my sight,
    I forced myself up as I ran into the night.
    I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew it was better than there;
    the scent of betrayal was lingering in the polluted air.
    I bled out all heartache and became fatally ill,
    I am sitting inside of my asylum where you left me to heal.




    Submitted on 2005-03-17 15:06:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this..A LOT. Yes, it is sad that someone would have to do so much to get someone to simply notice them.

    This is very well written, you are a great writer. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-11 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... fuc kin', there's no way this is about MY Sammy. *hugs* We just have to think of happier things, huh? I write a lot of darker sh!t (as you probably know because you visited my page and probably looked at all of my poems and all that good garbage) but I really try not to dwell on it. Maybe that is a little free advice from a friend...

    ON TO THE POEM!

    Let me tell you the first things I notice about a poem. These are just a few basic sometimes simple, sometimes complicated things that I pay careful attention to.

    Rhyme - Not all poems have to rhyme. I've seen SO many good poetic ideas ruined by trying to stick to a certain rhyme shceme. (I'm not saying this is the case here, this is quite good, but I also don't like rhyme without proper...

    Meter - This is how many syllables a line in a poem has and how they are accented. Most people do not know this thing exists and write in what we call free form. This poem is free form, though it is a good use of free form not like some of the other drivel I see around here sometimes, heh heh. But anyways, another thing I'm REALLY picky on is...

    Grammar - Proper spelling, puctuation, capitalisation and lots more good sh!t like that. You did good with that, too, thus I am impressed. You punctuated at the end of every line (a thing many of the newer poets on this site do NOT do, thus irking me near to the point of strangling the poor [censored]s... heh heh.) Of course a line has to be drawn between making a simple typo - somthing I'm sure I've already made quite a few of in this comment - and plain ole not knowing how to spell something. AAAAAAND I'm rambling about proper poetry again.

    SLAP ME!

    But yeah I liked this poem, though I do NOT like the content ESPECIALLY the fact that it was YOU expressing this hurt, because it hurts me... but I'm just a big ole softie like that I guess. Yup, just a teddy bear. I digress.

    In summary, I guess I don't have anything to offer you on this one poetically other than what babbling I've already done, but you really don't need a lot of help right now. I look forward to seeing you continue to grow as a poet.

    - Virgil
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]
      Was the broken vein symbolic or literal in this poem? Is the asylum at the end a physical place or in the mind? I'm really confussed as to what you were trying to express. How was the air polluted for the scent of betrayal to linger?
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by biwitchin_angel | [ Reply to This ]
      This is extremely sad. It's horrible that you would do such a thing to get someone to notice you, but I understand what you mean. Sometimes it just seems like nobody cares, and that's the type of thing that can drive a person mad. I thought this was written very well. It was easy to follow and beautifully crafted. I haven't read anything quite like it. Welcome to the site, I think you have a great deal of talent.
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Cai | [ Reply to This ]



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