Enemy by SammySueYou

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Submission Name: Enemy dots

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Author:	SammySueYou
ASL Info:	18/f/nm
Elite Ratio:	3.12 - 79/70/24
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	352
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	544

Description:
I wrote this poem when I felt that there wasn't anything to live for, it helped me release but also it helped me realize that I am my own enemy....I hurt myself

Enemy

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My ears are bleeding!The chaos is loud,
losing all sanity in the eyes of a crowd.
Searching for an exit that doesn't exist,
blood curdling screams at the site of a fist.
They are coming to get me! Soon I will die,
the voices overpower the sound of my cry.
Im tossing and turning,
twisting and yurning.
Will somebody save me from this fate?
will I still be sane or is it too late?
My vision turns black and I no longer see,
I just realized that the enemy is...me.

Submitted on 2005-03-17 15:10:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  *Raises eyebrow* Very interesting, though, to be nit-picky, it could use a little bit of polishing. Just some basic formatting issues, problems with punctuation and sh!t. I'm a b!tch when it comes to critiquing poems, so bare with me. You know you're my homie for life. *winks*

I see you've already gained a certain flock as it were. Quite interesting... People trying to break down your poems see what you were thinking... or maybe they are just trying to show off and show that they are smart and that they understand. Some are just compliments, so you pretty much have every piece of the spectrum, what can I possibly offer? You are going to get a comment the likes of which are not written much by me anymore. I've rambled long enough.

Allow me, maybe, to suggest a new format for this poem. Something I think would work quite well for it. Forgive me for chopping up your art.

My ears are bleeding!
The chaos is loud!
Losing all sanity,
in the eyes of a crowd.
Searching for an exit,
that doesn't exist.
Blood-curdling screams,
at the sight of a fist.
They are coming to get me!
Soon I will die.
The voices overpower,
the sound of my cry.
I'm tossing and turning -
twisting and yearning.
Will somebody save me,
from this fate?
Will I still be sane,
or is it too late?
My vision turns black,
and I no longer see -
I just realized,
that the enemy is...me.

You know I can see this as a song by some hardcore group or something, you know? And at the end when s/he says "enemy is... me" they just fvcking drop the mic, you know? THIS also might work... I might add/ take out words here, all in the name of meter.

My ears are bleeding!
The chaos is loud!
Losing all sanity,
in eyes of a crowd.
Searching for exits,
that cannot exist.
Blood-curd'ling screams,
at the sight of a fist.
They are coming to get me!
Soon I will die.
The voices o'erpower,
the sound of my cry.
I'm tossing and turning -
twisting and yearning.
I wish I could protect,
my heart from this burning.
Will somebody save me,
from this fate?
Will I still be sane,
or is it too late?
My vision turns black,
and I no longer see -
I just realized,
that the enemy is...me.

That's about all I can offer you really for this one is how I would write it, you know? What else do I know? So let's see here. The checklist.

1. Be honest. (I was.)
2. Try not to give only compliments. (I didn't.)
3. How did it make you feel? (Incredibly sad for my Samantha.)
4. Why did it make you feel that way? (Because she was/is hurting.)
5. Which parts (made you feel this way?) (Pretty much all of it...)
6. What distracted from the piece? (All the people who kept messaging me on Yahoo!)
7. What was unclear? (The reason for this pain.)
8. What does it remind you of? (My older poetry.)
9. How could it be improved? (By writing something happy...? *hides tear in his eye*)
10. What would you have done differently? (I believe I showed that.)
11. What was your interpretation of it? (An inner struggle...)
12. Does it feel original? (*Feels of it* It feels like my computer screen... OH WAIT!)

That's about all. Hope I have helped.

Yours,

Travis
| Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice. I have felt this same way about myself. I really can relate to this peice.

I have this problem with my parents. You can see it in some of my peices. I know how you feel. When all you want is someone to talk to and theres no one...and you only have yourself to go.

Well anyways, please check some of my stuff out. Thanks.
DaN
| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Antigravity | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautifully written. Flowed easily from line to line showing how vivid and real the tricks are that our minds can play on us. The enemy being you was an interesting twist for the ending. I enjoyed reading this one very much.
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by biwitchin_angel | [ Reply to This ]
  Truly a skillful write. I have felt that way before especiallly this:

"Will somebody save me from this fate?
will I still be sane or is it too late?"

I used to question my sanity and wether I was even worth being saved, which isn't the best way to feel.

Hurt yourself ehh? I do that... not masochistic exactly just gives me something to hurt...

Anyway, Keep it up!
| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Phall | [ Reply to This ]

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