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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jungledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aquamonet
    ASL Info:    18/f/uk
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 11/10/2
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 780



    Description:
       This is my first piece of poetry in a long time so I would greatly appreciate any thoughts you have on it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJungledots
    -------------------------------------------



    Spiders play in their great webs that glisten in the gloom.
    Along the ground a snake unwinds slowly, spying food.
    Silently, a sloth sighs.
    A bird takes flight, rustling and cracking branches.
    Disturbing the bats who hang sleepily.

    The ants march with purpose, rank and file in line.
    Picked up by the anteater, their army disperses.
    New recruits scarper, hiding under the roots.
    The anteater, oblivious, plunders on for the next snack.

    In the distance crashing and whirring.
    The homebreakers are here.
    Thrashing turbines and savage saws spoil the serene scene.
    An enemy more than anything they have ever seen bears down on them.
    Unformidable and merciless.




    Submitted on 2005-03-17 15:27:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like nature and animals so I enjoyed a poem about the jungle. I agree with mystmaker...it could use some minor editing, there are some grammer errors...like morbid angel pointed out.
    "The ants march with purpose, rank and file in line.
    Picked up by the anteater, their army disperses."
    this was very discriptive.
    All and all...it was enjoyed.
    Rubi
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Rubi_Roja | [ Reply to This ]
      overall I think it could do with some editing. It was an okay piece but I think it needs some more time and thought. Its a good piece but it coudl do with some more ...well......just editing. I am really looking forward to seeing this piece editing and reposted, the descriptions were really well done and it was good for a piece of poetry after a long time....
    -Sara
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]
      this was definately interesting and full of colorful descriptions and action.you might want to consider some kind of rhyme sheme and meter, as it could help the flow and fabric of the poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by marigold | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall all, it was nicely written. Nice little comeback poem (ugh, I hate it when you write something for the first time in a long time and it doesn't turn out right!) but I don't think thats the case here. You did good, there is just one thing bugging me because I am a freak on that.

    "An enemy more than anything they have ever seen bears down on them."

    I believe that should be Bares, hun. If not..then my bad! Anyways, good one.

    Happy St. Patrick's Day! Hope ya had fun ;)
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]


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