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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reviler for the spheredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 951



    Description:
       Here's a little bit after a dry spell. Didn't want to over-revise it, just wanted to let it...be.

    *As this piece is commonly assumed to be about family/parents, I'll reluctantly give away that it is in fact another side of myself that I'm talking about. Figure it out from there.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReviler for the spheredots
    -------------------------------------------


    bleeding skies of flaming gray
    No source of light, but light remaining
    this is the space you left me;
    this is what I lay below
    tired of the mess that hangs above;
    dense, aged tangles of misinterpretation
    Rootless, false in nature;
    From birth, a blindly binding desperation
    stationary in the sky
    while I waited. I watched from shadows and chains
    while this vessel called opportunity
    fell under your will
    which was nothing more than panicked apathy
    Blindfolded, mouth frozen in a silent scream;
    My weak spots you're feeding;
    my strengths, ignoring.
    You make me sick.
    You're cowardly and senseless
    And somehow I let you stick around;
    blind and invisible.
    Tell me your time is over;
    I wished you down but you'll not fall.
    This barren world's where you belong,
    not in my sky.




    Submitted on 2005-03-17 15:28:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can understand how it could be misinterpreted that you are writing about your parents, since you are placing blame in this work. But I think this line:
    "And somehow I let you stick around;
    blind and invisible."
    Says it all.
    It could be that because I have already read the feedback you gave about it not being about them, that this is so easy to see, I really wish you wouldn't have released it, but I do that often as well.

    I have a question though. If this is the space they left you, and it's below and tired of what hangs above, then why do you say they belong on the baren earth and not in your sky? This would mean that they belong even lower than you and there is someting past the sky...pretty much the only thing I could dig out of that is that you are looking up and despising heaven. Unless of course you are making a nother reference to stars but then why would this "you" that you hate be dwelling with something you love? If you could clarify what you meant by that or if I'm just analyzing too closely, that would be tight.

    This is definitely interesting, but I don't really like the rythm too much. It actually seems like you weren't really going for a rythm but I don't want to make premature judgements after only reading it a few times. As a free verse though, I like it a lot. The reference to flaming gray skies makes me think of those videos where they record clouds and fastforward it so you see them moving really fast. So at first it made it seem like you were watching your life fly by as someone else is living it... someone who's abandoned everything you held on to so dearly. Almost watching in jealousy as something was stolen from you by yourself. It's a very interesting topic. I'm not going to pick your work apart, I don't enjoy that and it's not really my style. I don't know if you are looking for some constructive criticism or what, but I'd rather just tell you what it makes me think about. I enjoy hearing that from most people that read the pieces I've written.

    The final thing I will say, is that I love the title. It's probably my favorite title out of everything of yours that I've read. At first impression the sphere seemed like the world to me... but I'm not so sure now. It is almost like the sphere of a yin yang since you are looking at two identities and obviously one is badmouthing the other so if that is the case, it's a PERFECT effin title. It's really interesting because the Reviler for this sphere is the one whose narrating and who is the favored one and the one in control it seems. Normally people write about the typically "bad" person in their balance as the one they hate. This is kinda like the fallen angel's side of the story, and I find that very intriguing. Well thanks for putting it up. Take care, hottie.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      Very skilled and interesting writing. The phrase "from birth" suggests you're writing about family -- probably parents. But it's not completely clear, so in my comments and questions below, I simply refer to (them), but I suppose it could be "him" or "her" just as well. And I refer to "you", though this writing could be about someone else, from their point of view. This contains a lot of emotion, and paints it effectively.


    > Reviler for the sphere
    > ----------------------
    > by rounin
    Question: What's the "sphere"?


    > bleeding skies of flaming gray
    Excellent image!

    > No source of light, but light remaining
    Mystical time of day, often my favorite.

    > this is the space you left me;
    > this is what I lay below
    Looking up at a twilight, flaming gray sky -- very nice.

    > tired of the mess that hangs above;
    > dense, aged tangles of misinterpretation
    > Rootless, false in nature;
    A mess of falsehoods about you?

    > From birth, a blindly binding desperation
    Desperation has bound you from birth?

    > stationary in the sky
    > while I waited.
    You mean this desperation has seemed timeless, impervious to the passage of time, though you have hoped for the passage of time to alter it?

    > ... I watched from shadows and chains
    You're trapped...

    > while this vessel called opportunity
    > fell under your will
    Opportunity fell under (their) will? Your opportunities were squandered by (them)?

    > which was nothing more than panicked apathy
    You're saying (they) have acted panicked about you, but in truth (they) don't really care?

    > Blindfolded, mouth frozen in a silent scream;
    Cut off from your senses and paralyzed, you wish you could cry out?

    > My weak spots you're feeding;
    > my strengths, ignoring.
    (They) are focused on your shortcomings, and failing to acknowledge your progress and successes?

    > You make me sick.
    > You're cowardly and senseless
    "Cowardly and senseless" I don't understand. It doesn't seem to link into the rest of the theme...

    > And somehow I let you stick around;
    Here you say that if you were more rational or confident, you would drive (them) away?

    > blind and invisible.
    Another line I can't decypher. Is this (them), or you?

    > Tell me your time is over;
    > I wished you down but you'll not fall.
    Here you mourn that your situation remains unresolved in your own mind.

    > This barren world's where you belong,
    You wish (them) down;

    > not in my sky.
    You should not be looking up to (them)...?


    Excellent writing! It's the kind of writing I love to analyze, and figure out just how much I can decypher and understand on my own. It's many-layered and complex. Can you help me out with the parts I didn't get? Thanks for sharing.

    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


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