[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Solomon Spectaculardots

    Author: marysunshine
    ASL Info:    34, Female,
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 610/705/75
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1270
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 570

       Spring brings rapturous love

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSolomon Spectaculardots

    Grow with me-
    my Solomon spectacular,
    and we’ll ride the day til slumber calls-
    and the dusk-time collects all rays behind the mountain.

    Tripping we’ll chase
    the blossom’s splendorous pink
    til the shamrock’s green folds upon itself-
    and the kitty’s eyes grow crazy with the dimming of the lamp.

    Wet my eyes-
    my royal drunk Don Juan.
    Slip to nuzzley-nested--curly in the bed-
    and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps a sunrise.

    Submitted on 2005-03-17 15:31:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I have but one meager suggestion for improving this piece. A little two letter word, in the line:

    "and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps a sunrise."

    This is subtle, and I realize the line is already too long, but it needs this to really add a layer of meaning that is pleasing and kinda deep.

    You ready?

    The word is "us" inserted thus:

    "and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps us a sunrise."

    Ahhhhh. Very good. I know, at first blush you'll think I'm . . . nuts. But try it out and I think you will see what I'm driving at. Birds of a feather and all that jazz.
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what to make of this. It almost seems like this is something personal, maybe describing your day yesterday(?), with the man you love...so I don't feel comfortable saying "I don't understand this" or "I don't get that". All I can really say is that I like the structure of it and I love the sweet feeling that it brings...

    oh, and I love "my royal drunk Don Juan"

    oh oh, and that last line is as sweet a thing as I've read in I don't know how long.

    Very pretty.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely love this. It's so...pretty. LOL, love can be ugly, very ugly. But in moments like this it blossoms into beauty. My only concern would be with the usage of the word 'trip' twice. Perhaps another word could be used to take one or the other's place. Other than that, no negative comments. It's just so-pretty. ^_^
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]