Grow with me-
my Solomon spectacular,
and we’ll ride the day til slumber calls-
and the dusk-time collects all rays behind the mountain.
Tripping we’ll chase
the blossom’s splendorous pink
til the shamrock’s green folds upon itself-
and the kitty’s eyes grow crazy with the dimming of the lamp.
Wet my eyes-
my royal drunk Don Juan.
Slip to nuzzley-nested--curly in the bed-
and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps a sunrise.
| I have but one meager suggestion for improving this piece. A little two letter word, in the line:|
"and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps a sunrise."
This is subtle, and I realize the line is already too long, but it needs this to really add a layer of meaning that is pleasing and kinda deep.
The word is "us" inserted thus:
"and we'll trace our names on goosebumped skin til the sparrow chirps us a sunrise."
Ahhhhh. Very good. I know, at first blush you'll think I'm . . . nuts. But try it out and I think you will see what I'm driving at. Birds of a feather and all that jazz.
|| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ] || I'm not sure what to make of this. It almost seems like this is something personal, maybe describing your day yesterday(?), with the man you love...so I don't feel comfortable saying "I don't understand this" or "I don't get that". All I can really say is that I like the structure of it and I love the sweet feeling that it brings...|
oh, and I love "my royal drunk Don Juan"
oh oh, and that last line is as sweet a thing as I've read in I don't know how long.
|| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ] || I absolutely love this. It's so...pretty. LOL, love can be ugly, very ugly. But in moments like this it blossoms into beauty. My only concern would be with the usage of the word 'trip' twice. Perhaps another word could be used to take one or the other's place. Other than that, no negative comments. It's just so-pretty. ^_^||| Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ] |