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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She.. A Senryu?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 10
    Class/Type: Haiku/Love
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 80



    Description:
       Another requim for my love. Too bad I can't spell well.
    This is about my daily thought processes. At 42 I feel like a kid again. Forgive the mushyness, I can't help it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe.. A Senryu?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Consumed rationale
    Focused on her completely
    Breadfruit of my life




    Submitted on 2005-03-17 16:17:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've been thinking about this senryu since yesterday.
    and I'm still undecided, but figured I'd better say something before I forget everything. ;)

    I cannot decide about 'consumed rationale'.
    Does the rationale consume you? like 'overwhelming thought'?
    or did you consume this rationale, internalizing this love as your reason for life?
    like 'reasoning devoured'?

    This is a lovely write, even if I didnt understand your first line.
    and its really not so full of mushyness...
    more like affection than mush. ;)
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok I am going to be the only one who disagree with using the word rationale. To me it take away from true passion meaning of this poem.

    Yes it does work,but to me in Haiku's words have to be at a higher level than regular poems.

    Every other word is excellent and the whole feel of it does drip with utter love.

    Here's my suggestion for a word change: devotion, compulsion or fiery impulses to change the first line.

    To me rationale, means control thinking and I don't think that's what you were going for.

    Overall I really liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      this is indeed lovely. consuming rationale is what love is all about-who needs to be rational when love is around! breadfruit of my life-that is absolutely so original and says so much. excellent haiku Ben!
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      by the way, i love the word Rationale.



    it was lovely.


    thanks


    ooooh, lame... ok it won't let me post this comment unlessi ass more to it, so i'm gonna ramble on for a while just so i can post it.


    lalalalalalalaalalala



    kk
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Dead Weight | [ Reply to This ]
      ok first, nothing made me happier today than reading a haiku. something about that just makes me so happy. Also, i LOVE your icon. that also made me happy as hell. alright... so: the poem:

    I could definitly sense feeling behind it and you managed to make it mean something. Most short poems manage to communitcate absolutely nothing and i pretty much just end up wasting part of my day reading it. Sad as it is, I'll never get those 30 seconds back... anyway, with this, it was actually very good and contrary to the usual. It was cool because usually i'm a tard and can't figure things out, but it definitly made sense. good work.
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Dead Weight | [ Reply to This ]


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