Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She.. A Senryu?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 10
    Class/Type: Haiku/Love
    Total Views: 586
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 80



    Description:
       Another requim for my love. Too bad I can't spell well.
    This is about my daily thought processes. At 42 I feel like a kid again. Forgive the mushyness, I can't help it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe.. A Senryu?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Consumed rationale
    Focused on her completely
    Breadfruit of my life




    Submitted on 2005-03-17 16:17:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've been thinking about this senryu since yesterday.
    and I'm still undecided, but figured I'd better say something before I forget everything. ;)

    I cannot decide about 'consumed rationale'.
    Does the rationale consume you? like 'overwhelming thought'?
    or did you consume this rationale, internalizing this love as your reason for life?
    like 'reasoning devoured'?

    This is a lovely write, even if I didnt understand your first line.
    and its really not so full of mushyness...
    more like affection than mush. ;)
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok I am going to be the only one who disagree with using the word rationale. To me it take away from true passion meaning of this poem.

    Yes it does work,but to me in Haiku's words have to be at a higher level than regular poems.

    Every other word is excellent and the whole feel of it does drip with utter love.

    Here's my suggestion for a word change: devotion, compulsion or fiery impulses to change the first line.

    To me rationale, means control thinking and I don't think that's what you were going for.

    Overall I really liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      this is indeed lovely. consuming rationale is what love is all about-who needs to be rational when love is around! breadfruit of my life-that is absolutely so original and says so much. excellent haiku Ben!
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      by the way, i love the word Rationale.



    it was lovely.


    thanks


    ooooh, lame... ok it won't let me post this comment unlessi ass more to it, so i'm gonna ramble on for a while just so i can post it.


    lalalalalalalaalalala



    kk
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Dead Weight | [ Reply to This ]
      ok first, nothing made me happier today than reading a haiku. something about that just makes me so happy. Also, i LOVE your icon. that also made me happy as hell. alright... so: the poem:

    I could definitly sense feeling behind it and you managed to make it mean something. Most short poems manage to communitcate absolutely nothing and i pretty much just end up wasting part of my day reading it. Sad as it is, I'll never get those 30 seconds back... anyway, with this, it was actually very good and contrary to the usual. It was cool because usually i'm a tard and can't figure things out, but it definitly made sense. good work.
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by Dead Weight | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    50734

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Mystery Read written by kyserin

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry