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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: High - Rewrittendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 947
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 827



    Description:
       Compare it to the first High. Whihc works best do you think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHigh - Rewrittendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sliding on moonbeams
    Smiling too wide
    Hearts burst into firework displays
    Pupils widen into universes
    Souls become one,
    Bodies entwine.

    Lust
    is a prelude to love
    that often falters
    at the first.

    Those who are strong enough to jump
    Often lose theirs smiles
    In a war on the she says, he says
    Wasteland.
    There, on their idle perch
    They catch sight
    of pastures greener.

    And some may go,
    And some may stay,
    And some may realise
    they made the right decision.
    But some will die with plastic smiles
    On mask-like faces,
    Their hearts bleeding.

    Whilst others will learn to fly without wings,
    without strings,
    And get high.




    Submitted on 2005-03-18 01:21:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't see the original but I like this one very much.
    I like the contrast between love that works and love that doesn't. I think we all fall in love for different reasons but the commitment has to be linked to a spiritual and true love in order for love to last. And you say this so well in the last stanzas...

    But some will die with plastic smiles
    On mask-like faces,
    Their hearts bleeding.

    Whilst others will learn to fly without wings,
    without strings,
    And get high.

    That's really picture perfect in my book, great job, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing,
    peace and love,
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for leaving the original up because it allows me to compare them. Well, it looks like you just added to this piece, but I think that's ok because what you had was excellent.

    I think I'd punctuate "In a war on the she says, he says/Wasteland" differently. Perhaps I'd put quotation marks around "she says, he says" because I had to read that line a couple of times to make sense of it. I'd also put a comma after perch.

    And some may go,
    And some may stay,
    And some may realise
    they made the right decision

    I'm not sure you need the repetition of and and some in that. I think "Some may go,/ Some may stay,/ And some may realise" works just as well, but it's your call.

    But some will die with plastic smiles
    On mask-like faces,
    Their hearts bleeding.

    Whilst others will learn to fly without wings,
    without strings,
    And get high.

    I like this ending better. A good ending can make a good poem great or a great poem greater. You did a great job on this one.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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