The fakeness left over speaks for itself,
Those posed smiles, and wish full thoughts
Captured so purely in the family albums.
Pictures of smiling children, of laughing adults,
Painting the family fantasy,
of an unattainable bliss.
Pictures of shovels in sand boxes,
There only to bury the secrets and lies told,
but to the stranger looking on,
it was a blissful childhood.
A flash froze the moment,
but forgot to include the punches
forgot to throw in the insults
forgot to capture the screaming.
It failed to show the hurt of one family.
Only to leave the fantasy in an album,
placed awkwardly on the coffee table.
| My opinion on this would be that in those pictures the actual moment is caught. At that precise moment you were filled with joy and happiness. Sure some you fake it but others you don't. Even though when you are alone you feel left out, ignored, and insecure...other times during a certain situation...you can find a certain amount of happiness. Of course no one likes to capture the "ugly" moments...but in my album we have caught some.|
Always keep your head up...always find the positive side of yourself...and know that who you are on the inside is some one you can depend on!
|| Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by ThaCrib | [ Reply to This ] || I have to agree that the first line is not needed. However, for the rest of the poem, simple proofreading is all that's left to do. I found this to be a skilled, forceful write that left me with a vivid mental picture, and sympathy for the place the writer has found herself. Well done!|
|| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ] || The fakeness left over speaks for itself,|
Then let it. Drop this line and let the rest of the poem carry itself. Start with the line that begins Pictures of smiling children; ditch everything else before that. Doing that will improve this piece immeasurably.
Hope writing about it helps. It helps me. mae
|| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] || Firstly the word fakeness cheapens the poem it's not effective in relaying what your saying...secondly wish full should be wishful the comment on shovel boxes and lies told are very articulate and expressive and reflects true cynicism, the concept is good but you probably should work on how you express it.||| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by rytrsbloc | [ Reply to This ] |