Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Maybe 7dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 580
    Class/Type: Prose/Love
    Total Views: 1096
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3493



    Description:
       the italicized lines come from the song i mention in the piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMaybe 7dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "I love you."

    You're such a gentleman, saying it first; your face was awkward and dear to me over my shoulder just before we said goodbye one afternoon. I almost missed it, buried in the lightness of playful "luv yas" that I never took seriously before. You're not very good at being casual; your heartsleeve buoys in the Aegean green of your irises, ruining the carelessness of that one-corner-up smile you kiss me so well with. And your eyes can never lie to me.

    "I want to go to you ..."

    You said it first; I sometimes make you regret it.

    Our conversation darkens, tenses slightly when I ask "how much?" The silence between our bodies is weighty and long. I can see your honesty struggle with your desire to please me. Which pleases me.
    "Give me a scale."
    Feeling impish, I tell you to "make one up."

    "Funny how I'm nervous still ..."

    There's a part of me that wants to hear the Southern romance in your warm Georgia baritone saying "wide oceans" or "long, winding rivers." I'd die to hear you say your love for me is a terrible ache that eases with my smiles as it pains with my tears. But you don't think in prose or the abstract.

    "I know what you want to say ..."

    "1-10. 6," you say, not willing to be vulnerable.

    A 6 doesn't satisfy me; I know I'm more to you. I've felt it. Because there were hundreds of butterflies in the winter sunshine, blessing me, the day I realized I was in love with you. Fiery Skippers, who dance along flora covered roadsides, drenched in radiance. Last month's deluge of rain had given way to wildflowers of every pleasing hue on the hillsides. I looked for your particular shade of red among them, smiled when I didn't find it; you're too much of an acquired taste.

    You're breathtaking when you fall asleep on my lap. Your laugh is so complete and I adore you. I want to give you my whole existence. But I lower my eyes whenever I'm on the verge of saying so to keep up the appearance of having the upper hand.

    "I can't help it baby, this is who I am ..."

    I think of the Skippers and the sound of Jimmy Eat World's "Kill" playing repeatedly on my car stereo and suddenly I want more of an admission from you; I want to see you break for me. I want to feel precious, like when we walk the wet shoreline at night and you wordlessly give me your jacket because you thought you felt me shiver ... the way I feel when you tell me I'm all you can think of and it hits like a sledge hammer hard to the chest.

    "Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel ..."

    Lost in my thoughts, I almost miss the "Maybe 7" my silence prompts you to add, your eyes never lying to me.

    "... I just can't walk away"

    ... I can live witout the abstract. And that's the part that stays mine.




    Submitted on 2005-03-18 14:17:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You really must write a novel--even a "bad" novel. You are an excellent writer. The novel would not even need a plot--as too many of them today are sadly lacking--you have a somewhat rare skill for a special type of descriptive writing, in a highly readable fashion, at a time when description is not valuted in prose. So bang out that novel and start looking for publishers--get yourself a copy of Writers Market or go the library and use theirs... bravo... bravo... bravo...
    | Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done blue orchids. You definitly know the sound of your voice, and you record it so well. I enjoy your unique descriptions. I loved the line, " Last month's deluge of rain had given way to wildflowers of every pleasing hue on the hillsides." It rolls off the tounge sweetly like honey, a very nice asthetic. I kept saying over and over just because I enjoyed it so. I also really enjoyed-

    There's a part of me that wants to hear the Southern romance in your warm Georgia baritone saying "wide oceans" or "long, winding rivers." I'd die to hear you say your love for me is a terrible ache that eases with my smiles as it pains with my tears. But you don't think in prose or the abstract. - because you get what feels like such an acurate picture of both characters here. You, longing for his abstract prose, and his numerical system. This part made me laugh. Great work. BTW- you didnt happen to go to high school in SD did you. You remind me of a friend. Just curious.
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a wonderful piece. You make the reader feel and identify with you down to the T. I have to say, I love they way you move from one section to the next and the emotion displayed is marvelous...so very the emo girl, I love it! The last section almost made me tear up, but then again I am a sucker for love stories, past, present, future and I always will be. Great job.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by legalinsane | [ Reply to This ]
      Gee Grace , I am not much good at crit on good stories. I just start lapping it all up, and before you know it, it's all said and done, and I say to my self "Wow"-and then a silence-and then," Oh, my, I have to say something profound here, -I just can't say
    " wow!"

    So then I re-read it, critically for a few seconds, noting mentally something that I might comment on, –but soon it's the end again, and I forgot what that mental note said.

    Sometimes I may read one a third time, but not usually; more often I make a note to re-read it tomorrow,-or after some sleep, or after dinner, or after a drink, or after a few drinks-or after I sober up- but all that I ever end up with is-
    "Wow".

    Now , should you ever undertake to write something crappy, I promise I will be honest. harsh if needed, helpful-and gleefully overjoyed to at last say something other than
    "WOW"

    I did like in particular the way you evoke that shy awkward longing of first love. (it's always first if it's real)-you want to hear it, to validate your feelings somehow, and you find it muffled amongst the usual luvyas. I could see you suddenly flushed and alert with interest as you up the ante with "how much". I also liked the italicized song lyrics weaving through your prose, adding depth and a tangible ambience to the setting.
    Hmmm (on a roll here), I liked the poetic, passionate thoughts running through your mind, the metaphors and images, butterflies, flowers -mixed with the poignant honesty of the vigilant heart-"But I lower my eyes whenever I'm on the verge of saying so to keep up the appearance of having the upper hand."
    I liked the flawless progression of the tenuous, delicate feelings in the first paragraph, through the fantastic skipper imagery, then to the more passionate demand for more -to the sledge-hammer climax. And then the soft "maybe 7" -an aftershock, that is poignantly sweet, yet not cloying. There is an ingenuousness, - a timeless blend of universal familiar emotions and your own articulate honesty and humor.
    -and the ending?"..." I can live without the abstract. And that's the part that stays mine.", Well i thought that was beautiful, bringing us back full circle to the third paragraph where you first let us in to your heartfelt thoughts-"But you don't think in prose or the abstract."
    Amazing
    Grace
    Maybe I "ain't" such a bad critter after all
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      this was lovely. best love story and prose I've read in a long time. I hope this for everyone, love like this. your imagery was fantastic and the metaphors fine with me. I'd settle for a maybe 7 anyday! and don't think he doesn't already know.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is just great! you have a way with writing short little stories like this. it just flows so well, and it makes me want to know the two of you and watch your love blossom. being in love myself right now, i really enjoyed this little trip down lovers' lane. very well written and enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Grace, this is delectable, and delicious and captivating. It is truthful and captures those feelings that an early love affair makes you feel. I guess not just an early love affair, I've been with my husband 10 years and sometimes I still feel this way, and sometimes we still play silly games. I am a romantic and he is more practical and I find myself trying to draw that out in him and the times I succeed are truly magical and when they happen without my interference, they are the best. I love the atmosphere that serves as a backdrop to your piece. It feels fresh and breezy and your words and the way the piece is written in such a free form go with it nicely. I thought your title was very clever, before I read the piece it intrigued me and when I got to the stanza where the title ties it all together it was satisfying. I couldn't think of anything I would do differently with this piece. But that is just me and how I am with my criticisms, I really think the voice that is coming from the artist is the most important part of it all and if you listen to too many people and how they would change things, you can't truly be authentic. Do you or have you ever thought about writing plays? I could see that from you. I enjoyed this Grace. Have a great night- Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      nobody does romance better than you.

    "You're not very good at being casual; your heartsleeve buoys in the Aegean green of your irises, ruining the carelessness of that one-corner-up smile you kiss me so well with".. my god.. the breathlessness of the almost-run-on sentence is perfect.. it's an amazing reflection of the way your thoughts tend to race around your head in that bouncing-off-the-walls kinda way with the adrenalin of love..

    [the only complaint i had was the saltwater taffy metaphor.. but i blame that on pop culture. did you ever see the episode of friends (i know.. i'm sorry) where ross gives phoebe taffy..and it's the first time she's had it and she starts eating it while she's talking and suddenly in the middle she stops and shouts "what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? is it gum? is it candy?".. ahh the things too much tv will do to you.]

    anyway.. this is poignant.. because the romance.. the sweetness.. has its bitter side to it. in the hesitations and the holding back .. and even in the use of words like 'sledge hammer' to describe thinking of him..

    and the lyrics of the song seem to slip in the middle of this as though they were a part of it.. or maybe the story is a part of the song..?

    and overall this seems to ring true because.. in real life.. people do make sacrifices for each other. you're never going to find your prince charming.. but it's finding that one person who you want to be with and you can tell yourself "i want to be with that person" even if he doesnt fit the description of the "knight in shining armour".. that's love.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      damn, this is visceral and colorful, I don't know why I get that feeling but it's all colors, bright and alive. Makes me think of how it's so hard to say what you want to someone and so easy to regret it when you don't. I really liked it, I wish i could say more but it inspired me...i want to go write now:P
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      SAY IT BACK, YOU CRAZY GIRL!

    Sorry. Just got kind of tense reading that. Hehehe.

    Well. This is very good. You've got the closeness, the intimacy, the 'wanting' of being in love.

    Not sure what else to say. It's very honest, no-holds-barred, & I admire that.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    50843

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The World written by jjd
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry