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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deer runs in front of cardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 423



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeer runs in front of cardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bright moons on full beam, burn up,
    making stars in pupils.
    A startled deer
    slender legged,
    wide-eyed,
    rigid in that moment,
    is captured in a breathless pause.

    The immobilised creature jump-starts,
    as the metal prowler purrs
    and yelps.

    A little forest magic
    flees once again
    into nature's eden.






    Submitted on 2005-03-18 15:51:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Yes, that is more clear. It sounded like you were calling the deer a prowler before (and that always makes me think of cats). I got that the moons were headlights. Anyway, this is much better.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your revision is much better. There are still things I would change, but I am prone to minimalism and not everyone else is. I think it's much more solid and clear. nice job.
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      There was some gonzo error, and it acted like it didn't post it, and then it wouldn't let me delete the second one, so I'm sorry about that. I just didn't want you to think I didn't try to get rid of it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what the other title was, but I think I'd get this anyway (You did mention "a startled deer"). I'm not sure about purrs, but I'm pretty sure they yelp (I'm a vegetarian , but my brother hunts, and I think he's mentioned something like that). Maybe it's too common here; I'm one of the few people I know who has never hit one, and that's because I don't go TOO FAR into the country at night (There's little in South Carolina that isn't country).

    You know, I almost read this as The Prowler (the Dodge automobile) purrs. That works. You could say "the animal yelps" or something. I don't know; I'm getting weird. I REALLY need to sleep.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what the other title was, but I think I'd get this anyway (You did mention "a startled deer"). I'm not sure about purrs, but I'm pretty sure they yelp (I'm a vegetarian , but my brother hunts, and I think he's mentioned something like that). Maybe it's too common here; I'm one of the few people I know who has never hit one, and that's because I don't go TOO FAR into the country at night (There's little in South Carolina that isn't country).

    You know, I almost read this as The Prowler (the Dodge automobile) purrs. That works. You could say "the animal yelps" or something. I don't know; I'm getting weird. I REALLY need to sleep.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      the title may help the understanding but I'm not sure and the other title was so much more interesting. I still don't know if people will get it that the car is purring and the horn is yelping. maybe if you changed that stanza somewhat, like, fear jumpstarts the deer with the honk of a horn and he disappears into his eden. I don't know what the best solution would be and since it's your poem, that would be for you to work out, but I definitely think this is a very good poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's the purrs and yelps, which deer don't do. Other than that it's got nice imagery and sort or snapshots a moment in time. I see the deer running back off into the woods. He would do this silently though I think.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Um...I'm not sure what to say. I'm a little confused by this. It doesn't seem to make any sence. Is there a typo that has changed the meaning?? I would really like to know what I'm not getting, if you could give me a heads up on this, that would be great.
    Keep writing.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]


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