Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deer runs in front of cardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 654
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 423



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeer runs in front of cardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bright moons on full beam, burn up,
    making stars in pupils.
    A startled deer
    slender legged,
    wide-eyed,
    rigid in that moment,
    is captured in a breathless pause.

    The immobilised creature jump-starts,
    as the metal prowler purrs
    and yelps.

    A little forest magic
    flees once again
    into nature's eden.






    Submitted on 2005-03-18 15:51:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yes, that is more clear. It sounded like you were calling the deer a prowler before (and that always makes me think of cats). I got that the moons were headlights. Anyway, this is much better.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your revision is much better. There are still things I would change, but I am prone to minimalism and not everyone else is. I think it's much more solid and clear. nice job.
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      There was some gonzo error, and it acted like it didn't post it, and then it wouldn't let me delete the second one, so I'm sorry about that. I just didn't want you to think I didn't try to get rid of it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what the other title was, but I think I'd get this anyway (You did mention "a startled deer"). I'm not sure about purrs, but I'm pretty sure they yelp (I'm a vegetarian , but my brother hunts, and I think he's mentioned something like that). Maybe it's too common here; I'm one of the few people I know who has never hit one, and that's because I don't go TOO FAR into the country at night (There's little in South Carolina that isn't country).

    You know, I almost read this as The Prowler (the Dodge automobile) purrs. That works. You could say "the animal yelps" or something. I don't know; I'm getting weird. I REALLY need to sleep.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what the other title was, but I think I'd get this anyway (You did mention "a startled deer"). I'm not sure about purrs, but I'm pretty sure they yelp (I'm a vegetarian , but my brother hunts, and I think he's mentioned something like that). Maybe it's too common here; I'm one of the few people I know who has never hit one, and that's because I don't go TOO FAR into the country at night (There's little in South Carolina that isn't country).

    You know, I almost read this as The Prowler (the Dodge automobile) purrs. That works. You could say "the animal yelps" or something. I don't know; I'm getting weird. I REALLY need to sleep.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      the title may help the understanding but I'm not sure and the other title was so much more interesting. I still don't know if people will get it that the car is purring and the horn is yelping. maybe if you changed that stanza somewhat, like, fear jumpstarts the deer with the honk of a horn and he disappears into his eden. I don't know what the best solution would be and since it's your poem, that would be for you to work out, but I definitely think this is a very good poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's the purrs and yelps, which deer don't do. Other than that it's got nice imagery and sort or snapshots a moment in time. I see the deer running back off into the woods. He would do this silently though I think.
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Um...I'm not sure what to say. I'm a little confused by this. It doesn't seem to make any sence. Is there a typo that has changed the meaning?? I would really like to know what I'm not getting, if you could give me a heads up on this, that would be great.
    Keep writing.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    50858

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry