Description: I know this might not be well taken. But it's an eye opener for all people who are overweight. I think fat people are jolley people but thats not the best compliment you can pay someone when they are dead because of all the problems associated with overeating and not giving you're body the attention it deserves. I have a friend who is, and I'm going to say it FAT and I mean real FAT and if he doesn't lose weight; the doctor said he will not live to see 30. Thats all I have to say about that. Take it lightly OK L.t
"My Big Fat Obnoxious Greek G.F" -------------------------------------------
It wasn't something I wanted to discuss
or much less even touch.
It makes me so confused
why they choose to abuse
themselves and their bodies.
Underneath it all they could be hotties.
Now I know this might be a little insensitive
but hey you obviously don't want to live,
and I'm not going to tell you what to do
but, 3 happy meals and a diet coke
isn't exactly a diet plan for you.
I simply care for women too much
But when I hug you my hands don't touch
A thousand times these same words I've said.
And a thousand times you ignore me
my little mobile water bed.
Hell your arm is bigger than my leg.
Exercise, and eat at least better.
One day maybe I'll just go find something better.
How would you like that?
Then no one would care if you're fat,
least not as much as me.
Sometimes when you hold me
I can't breathe.
What if one day you killed me?
Then how would you feel?
I'll tell ya how you'd feel.
So depressed you'd go to McDonalds and eat 4 un-happy meals
Then say it's your way to get it off your chest.
It's one big excuse after excuse
Think about this;
The first time you had sex you were loose.
You can't fit in those jeans.
You think everyone is insensitive and mean.
You'll never get into that dress,
and when I lay on top of you
my hands don't touch the mattress.
But there are some things I like;
You keep me so warm at night
and you'd beat up anybody in a fight.
With yo there is no moderatrion.
Thats good when you are my insulation.
I'm sorry this may seem mean.
But damn girl, two words
Nobody wants to be fat.
Double the size of me
and I weigh 182.
Is that normal for a girl?
Is that normal for anybody in this world?
And just so no one thinks
I'm only picking on the chicks;
I think guys are ten times the bigger pigs.
It's not just women,
but they are the ones
I'm trying to get in.
And if I can't find it,
because layers of fat are hiding it.
You'd better slap that ass
and ride that wave
all the way to
You know I have been a big supporter of your free style ways and rants and what not since I first read your stuff, but dude what the [censored] were you thinking?
I commend your concern for others, as you expressed it in your description. This was meant to be your plea to fatties to stop killing themselves and such. Good man. However, your concern ended there.
Theoretically, what you did was much like seeing a suicidal pal with a gun in his mouth and saying, "you wouldnt be half as ugly with your face gone". Bad example, but it made my point.
This piece is so full of clichéd humor that it forgot to be funny. And in treating this "chick" like your girlfriend, I have to say, if the clichéd humor was your aim, you forgot the mophed retort. "She's fun to ride til your friends see ya on her." It felt like this was more about how you find discomfort with people's weight than it was about your concern for them. And if that is truly the way you fell then that is fine, no worries, but dont try to sugarcoat it as a deep felt concern for them, just be who you are and say what you mean. If concern was truly your inspiration, it failed to show. (And yeah just in case you are wondering, I am a chubby chick, nowhere near double 182 or fat plus 100, but I am meaty ;)
Now, I have gone on long enough, but I have one last thing to say. There are so many things that us young folk have to be concerned about these days, and so many ways we violate ourselves. Like drinking and drugging and such are also good ways to abuse your body and kill yourself. The difference is, I have never seen someone eat a cheeseburger, then get in his car and kill a family of four because they cant see through the haze. I aint saying it cant happen, I am simply saying I have never seen it happen. :)
I think you have a great point, or rather, many of them. I'm a smoker and tired of the government legistating ways to get me to stop while they still promote in many a way the incredible obesity of this country. K...won't get into this right here, right now...
You are all over the place dude! This is very hard to follow because you seem to be jumping from one voice (a jerk, to be frank) to another (a concerned boyfriend), sometimes in mid sentence. Also, there are many redundant parts...I'm really sorry I've been away from your work for so long, but I've been busy as hell. It appears (sorry if I'm wrong) that you love to write in this stream-of-conscious kind of flowing freestyle thingy (I suppose imitationg rap?), but I think it might help you a lot if you tried writing in stanzas...it will help you see where redundancies come in, because each stanza should vary slightly in subject matter...
Wish I had more time so I could go into specifics about this piece, but I think if you really look at it...well...another suggestion, write down all the criticisms on a piece of paper, and then all the concerns...see how many there are of each and how many of them are repeated or are similar enough to render the other unimportant, or stale...now, rewrite it with some structure.
Personally I think the piece would be much more effective if you started off expressing cocern and then gradually built up with the jokes/insults...I think it would have a building effect that way instead of aimlessly rambling, as if it's sole purpose is to get out some rather cliché jokes...I think it would be much more funny that way too..also, think about a poignant ending that maybe combines the humor witha great truth.
Hope I've been of some help...
PS Can't help but love "my little mobile water bed" he he he
I have to agree with Mister fizzle can't tell if your seriously joking or really care for this person. As far as a poem I don't believe it works, maybe as a comdey routine. There are some great lines "I'll tell ya how you'd feel. So depressed you'd go to McDonalds and eat 4 un-happy meals" Formating, spelling, structure and flow are all important to poetry but, the paper holds the emotion and if thats see-thru you don't have a poem.
pretty relevant subject matter given the state of the nation. You said that this was to be taken lightly but the piece really acts like it doesn't know if it is serious or joking. It's like the bully in highschool who picks on you all 50 minutes of gym class and then as soon as the bell rings slaps you on the back and says "ah just kidding bro"
Was he really just kidding? Probably not. More like he just laughed all period at your expense and then felt bad afterwards so justified it by saying it was just a joke.
The point is this:
you don't come across like anything sincere or anything lighthearted. More of a flucuation from cruel clichéd insults that are really really tired to "ah man Im just kidding, you need to take better care of yourself, I'm worried"
see what I mean? it translates to your full of s.hit (not you the writer but the view expressed in the poem")
My suggestion is to choose a road and focus on it, zoom in the lens so to speak.
oh my goodness...that was just superb! i don't even know the proper word for it but that was tight! obesity today...america needs to hear this poem. it's touching a very serious subject but loaded with tons of comedic relief....excellent job i just loved these lines...
I simply care for women too much But when I hug you my hands don't touch
Nobody wants to be fat. But baby you are; and add 100 pounds to that