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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: HI! and you are...?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dead,yetalive
    ASL Info:    19,female, mia FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 100/104/28
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Story/Satire
    Total Views: 1082
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 796



    Description:
       I was in church and I was really bored. So I decided to practice my "forced" writing. So basically this came out of the blue. then again since I wish this would happen (well most of it), it wasn't nearly as hard to write as *Nature's Beauty*.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHI! and you are...?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    HI!
    I'm sitting alone in a classroom
    When some guy unexpectedly walks in
    I turn and say hi to him
    But he doesn't know that I'm there

    HI!
    I seem to yell as he looks around
    Standing by the door, in one spot
    He seems to look my way
    So I wave and give a shout

    HI!
    He still, for some reason,can't see me
    So I just give up and watch
    He sees noone and pulls off his shirt
    Reaveling a six pec and rock-hard abs

    HELLO!
    For as fine as he was, I fell to my knees
    Then he began to take off his pants
    Once they hit the floor,
    I was glad he couldn't see me
    Then suddenly I realise "Oh crap man! I'm dead!"




    Submitted on 2005-03-19 14:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      yeah definitly a satire, the feeling of comedy and death, hmmm although it is funny i enjoyed reading but are we that horny once dead hmmm. i guess thats a clue we didnt make it to heaven, anyways, i've felt like that with a girl in my class, after class my girl comes up to me and says if you undress me again im telling lol thanks for the read
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece seemed sort of like a fantasy of a young teenager gone awry. I like the shock at the ending, but the theme and the spelling within the piece put me off. Could use some more care within those areas.

    -Lamoni
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Lamoni | [ Reply to This ]
      hello,
    i am glad that i waited before making a visit to your page.
    had i done it earlier i think i would have ripped off your head and shat down your neck hole.
    but i did not.
    the thing is,
    you made a comment on a piece of mine.
    i took the time to write it, and post it, and you are the only commentator so far.
    so i was keen to see what interesting things this mystery person had to say.
    and this is what it was:
    ' it's uh... nice. Um... I guess I kinda fell what you sayin' but it's somewhat hard to follow what you mean. to fix that minor default I suggest that you write "no more" after the frist "and" in every stanza. I think that would if you're trying to say what I think you're trying to say. otherwise good job. :/
    peace-out,
    Doe'
    so at this point i should have something to thank you for.
    buit what exactly is that.
    you have given me nothing in your comment.
    you have wasted my time and more importantly your own time.
    if i were to adhere to your 'suggestion,' then my poem would look like this:
    [with your insertions in brackets]
    'No more scribbled words
    on coffee stained scraps of paper
    and musky cafe tables and toilet walls
    and vacant stares through windows
    through walls
    and picking fingernails
    and biting them
    and chewing pens

    No more filtered vocals
    sung through popper stoppers
    and over
    [no more]
    silence
    of half burned cigarettes
    and ash burning through carpet
    and red wine bottles with a red wine glass
    and vodka bottles without a glass

    No more plucking strings
    with calloused fingers
    to speak of wounded hearts
    and broken souls
    [no more]
    and muffled metallic chords
    echoing bed hair and insomnia through sound holes

    No more languid drumbeats
    played in an underwater time signature
    with brushed snare drums
    [no more]
    and suffocated clicking of rims
    and feathered cymbals
    all comatose with introspection,

    in need of new lyrics
    to old songs.'

    now if you will pardon my ignorance that makes no fu-cking sense at all.

    it would be good to take time and a little effort in your commentary.
    it will come back to you.
    and this will too if you continue with vacuous commentary.
    it would not take much; just an explanation of your thoughts and a little logic, something that should be well within your reach, and out of respect for others who put their time into this site and to other users.

    and i thought i would post this as a comment on one of your pieces just to show what a pain in the ar-se it is to find nothing of relevance posted, add a few spelling mistakes to show my lack of care to attention and a few expletives to show that i can cry like a baby.

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    50946

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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