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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crushdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/160
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 693
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 639



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrushdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Words spilled from nibble-worried lips, speaking of nothing in volumes, all in one breathless rush. Wisps were backed behind a left ear one sentence after another. Too close..too close..oh God breathe. Her breath came in short, almost desparate gasps. The soft whisper of air on her right ear from his deep, resonant voice was causing a prelude to convulsions in certain unchartered areas of her anatomy.
    "Control, alt, delete should cure it," he stated matter of factly, leaning over her to her keyboard.
    Oh you think so do you! she mumbled, his voice reverberating within her.







    Submitted on 2005-03-19 16:21:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have to say I know this feeling. I have had so many crushes in my life. I have felt exactly the same way. Nice Job. The end was a twist, very cool twist.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by pvt.ackerson | [ Reply to This ]
      very sensuous... what a great scene you painted in such few sentences. i think i've been in this very position with someone, me being the one with the crush, breathing deeply and feeling the energy all over. very nice.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh, heh! That was quite the peeping Tom act there. Getting into her head like that was quite a feat. I also like the prose poetry form of this. Removes any pretension from the words and just says it for what it is. Why does everyone think of these thing in terms of teenagers? Don't they know that even grannies and grandpas are plagued by carnal desires sometimes? Good one.
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw, I like this a lot. It's very true-to-life. This reminds me of a teenager that's hot for the teacher.

    I think I'd punctuate "Too close..too close..oh God breathe" differently. Maybe "Too close...too close...Oh God, breathe!" I think you might need to work on this part too: ""Control, alt, delete should cure it," he stated matter of factly, leaning over her to her keyboard./ Oh you think so do you! she mumbled, his voice reverberating within her." I don't think you need the comma after factly (I thik matter-of-factly is hyphenated), and I'd put "Oh, you think so, do you?" (How I'd punctuate it) in quotation marks. I'm sorry to sound too much like an English teacher.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! Sensuality on paper! This is great, with a terrific twist when you reveal the true situation,
    convulsions in certain unchartered areas of her anatomy.
    a wonderful allusion to what many put crudely, this kept the tone up to its very nice standard, I loved it! Five Stars, be happy, Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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