Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crushdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 656
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 639



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrushdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Words spilled from nibble-worried lips, speaking of nothing in volumes, all in one breathless rush. Wisps were backed behind a left ear one sentence after another. Too close..too close..oh God breathe. Her breath came in short, almost desparate gasps. The soft whisper of air on her right ear from his deep, resonant voice was causing a prelude to convulsions in certain unchartered areas of her anatomy.
    "Control, alt, delete should cure it," he stated matter of factly, leaning over her to her keyboard.
    Oh you think so do you! she mumbled, his voice reverberating within her.







    Submitted on 2005-03-19 16:21:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have to say I know this feeling. I have had so many crushes in my life. I have felt exactly the same way. Nice Job. The end was a twist, very cool twist.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by pvt.ackerson | [ Reply to This ]
      very sensuous... what a great scene you painted in such few sentences. i think i've been in this very position with someone, me being the one with the crush, breathing deeply and feeling the energy all over. very nice.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh, heh! That was quite the peeping Tom act there. Getting into her head like that was quite a feat. I also like the prose poetry form of this. Removes any pretension from the words and just says it for what it is. Why does everyone think of these thing in terms of teenagers? Don't they know that even grannies and grandpas are plagued by carnal desires sometimes? Good one.
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw, I like this a lot. It's very true-to-life. This reminds me of a teenager that's hot for the teacher.

    I think I'd punctuate "Too close..too close..oh God breathe" differently. Maybe "Too close...too close...Oh God, breathe!" I think you might need to work on this part too: ""Control, alt, delete should cure it," he stated matter of factly, leaning over her to her keyboard./ Oh you think so do you! she mumbled, his voice reverberating within her." I don't think you need the comma after factly (I thik matter-of-factly is hyphenated), and I'd put "Oh, you think so, do you?" (How I'd punctuate it) in quotation marks. I'm sorry to sound too much like an English teacher.
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! Sensuality on paper! This is great, with a terrific twist when you reveal the true situation,
    convulsions in certain unchartered areas of her anatomy.
    a wonderful allusion to what many put crudely, this kept the tone up to its very nice standard, I loved it! Five Stars, be happy, Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    50963

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry