It sounds like a very abusive relationship. There are always consequences to actions. Why feel sorry that someone should have to suffer for pain that they have inflicted. Very emotionally provocative. Some lines could be taken out, just so the whole story can be unfolded rather then revealed and then explained. Direct references to crying cause a bit too much repetition. Taking out direct statements as to how you feel, I think would sharpen it quite a bit.
I likes. The poem is very personal yet the end widens out just enough for it to have a universal effect. I think it's the first five stanzas that give this feel beause not everyone has had someone they love put on trial/put into jail. The part that goes, "I'll take on the world for you/I'll die for you/I'll even lie for you" shows great emotion and starts to open the poem up for everyone to feel similar emotion. Besides the spelling that you know about(it's ok, I live by the spell checker) I think that there is only two things I would change. First being to move stanza 10 to just after stanza 7. This would flow a little better because he's blinded by the pain so he can't see your tears. Second, rework the 10th stanza from 4 lines to 3 lines so that it goes with the rest of the 3 lines a stanza structure of the poem. Unless this was done purposefully to draw attention to the "bleeding on your own" line. If this is the case and I misread, my apologies. Overall, excellent emotion. A good poem. Brad/Biff
Actually you have a couple of other spelling errors. Verse 5, it's "wishing" not "whishing." Verse 7, it's "pain" not "pian." Verses 8, 9 and the last one, it's "pieces" not "pices." Also in the last verse, "each other" is two words not one. In the first line of the last verse, did you intend to make "In pieces" a line of it's own, or what? Because it's kind of awkard to have a randomely capitalized "I" in the middle of the line.
Now for the content, I have to say that I really liked the flow and the ideas.
I'll take on the world for you I'll die for you I'll even lie for you
That was my favorite verse. There was some serious emotion in those three lines that just flowed perfectly together. In some of the rest of the poem, the flow felt kind of off, but I'm not sure of exact places, otherwise I'd point them out.
It was also nice at the end, how you compared the love to Romeo and Juliet, although I felt that "Romeo and Juliet gone sour" is a little bit inaccurate since by saying Romeo and Juliet, you are acknowledging the issues that they had with their love. Maybe something more along the lines of "Just like like Romeo and Juliet's love/The story will end." That was just spur of the moment thinking, but I feel like that line is too repetitive within itself.
one thing i need to fix... I'll go back and correct it later but just so theres no confusion. 7th stanza 2nd line last word should be 'now' sorry bout that guys! well anyways i think that all my spelling erors.
there are no spelling errors and the flow of the poem is good in someplaces and then weak in others, i think in a few places you could reword it so that the flow could me easier EX.Whising I could die Or take your place in prison Wanting your pain to be my pain" just have it be mine, i think that sounds a little better but you are the writer you can change it or not.
this poem has a lot of different emotions that come through it saddness, depression, wanting, kinda pleading for forgiveness, and i got from this poem that you tried to help but then made it worse and whenever someone does that it sucks, and I'd have to say that my favorite stanza would be
"So many times I've cried for you I've shed blood for you But you'd never know your too busy bleeding on your own"
and i like this one so much because you are trying to make things better and then the person doesn't see or know about it and things stay the same.
Submission Name: For You
