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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chances: Prologuedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ares_nuke_1
    Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 106/151/76
    Words: 537
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 993
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2999



    Description:
       My goal when i posted this was to get some feedback so that i may be able to make the changes necesarry before contiuing with the rest of the story; however it's been a few days and still there has been no feedack, so i have talen it upon myself to resubmit this in the hope that maybe this time i can get some feedback. The only thing fueling me as a writer is good and bad feedbacks, so in saying that let me say this "Without any feedback I will not submit any more portion of this story on this site". Thank you for taking your time to read this.


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    dotsChances: Prologuedots
    -------------------------------------------



    It was late on a Friday night when T.J. Manning was driving home from work. He was a computer analyst working for the CIA. Lately he had been working on testing anti terrorism defense tactics through electronic warfare programming. A week ago T.J. stumbled across a glitch, and has been spending every waking hour hunched over his computer typing up his report. A weeks worth of staying up late at night, working his poor fingers to the bone, had finally caught up to him. his eyes began to close.

    Falling asleep at the wheel is as scary and as fatal as drunk driving, though most people shrug it off and think to themselves, ďthis could never happen to meĒ. T.J. was one of these people. He shook his head violently to fight of the tiredness, but it was no use. He had worked himself too hard this week, and now he was going to pay.

    A few moments later T.J. was asleep behind the wheel. Gravity allowed for his heavy foot to push the gas pedal all the way to the floor. Luckily though he was the only person on this road on this particular evening, However what lay before his car was a tree that had been planted a very long time ago, as evident by the rather large size of its trunk. A few seconds later T.J. was acting on instinct, though barely able to move. A piece of glass from the windshield shattered and had managed to lodge itself into T.J.ís neck. T.J. fainted after only a few moments from the bloodloss.

    Ten minutes later a father driving from the opposite direction, after returning from a hunting trip with his son. spotted the remains of a car smashed into a tree. He quickly pulled off the road, got out of his car, and ran over to estimate the damage. What he found inside was a young man who appeared to be in his early twenties covered in a pool of his own blood. The blood from the looks of it was mostly coming from the injured manís neck. Fumbling for his cell phone, the passerby dialed 911.

    A half hour later a few Emtís (emergency medical technicianís) arrived at the scene. After looking at the victim lying helplessly trapped within his own vehicle, they determined that there was really nothing they could do until the ambulance arrived, except to make an attempt to stop the bleeding.

    Approximately 15 minutes after the arrival of the EMTís, the ambulance arrived. A stretcher was removed from the ambulance and rushed to the car. Just then the police arrived, bringing with them the jaws of life. Within minutes the driverís side door was removed and T.J. was laying on the stretcher.

    The place was a frenzy. Many people who lived anywhere near the scene of the accident, or people who just happened to be driving by. Stopped to see the horrific site of this young man being hurled away in a stretcher with blood still spewing from his neck. The medics said nothing. They just lifted the stretcher into the ambulance, filed themselves in, and took off into the night.




    Submitted on 2005-03-19 22:30:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this! overall it was a really good write...

    but let me list somethings that could be monified.

    "after only a few moments from the bloodloss."
    I would suggest just saying "from bloodloss" instead of "from the bloodloss" for some reason "th bloodloss" doesn't seem to flow as well. but it could be just me

    "and now he was going to pay."
    I think this was unnecessary forshadowing. If you took it out, ot probably wouldn't be as distracting... The reader can already guess he is going to have a car crash.

    "blood still spewing from his neck."
    well "spewing" seems a bit exaggerated, I know how you want to make it, for lack of better words, dramatic, maybe just another word would do fine...thats the hard part of writing, because you can't always find the perfect word but try a thesaurus. those are good

    good writing! I can't wait to fidn out more!
    -Sara
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]
      Tiredness, maybe say exhaustion instead? But overall, very nicely written, great description of details. Left me hanging - now I want to know if he survived or not. Also this part sounds a bit awkward: 'this young man being hurled away" the hurled was what made it a bit weird.
    I liked it, it really sounded like the beginning of a book I would read - The veru first paragraph made it seem as though this was goingto be like something Dan Brown would write - Awesome.
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Uruvasule | [ Reply to This ]


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