Excellent. Ab-so-fecking-lutely excellent. I had NO IDEA this was about coffee; looking back, I can see more.
You have done yourself proud on so many counts: You accepted possibly the harshest crit you'll ever get on this site, gracefully, and took it to heart and worked from it, and created, and succeeded.
This FAR transcends a cutting write, because YES it is out of the box, yes it well-crafted and intelligent, and yes, it really works!
I think you do really well with the structure. The rhyme scheme is a little over-used but to be honest, it's not important right now; you've changed direction but one step at a time and all that. I think the first two stanzas run very well; the third gave me some trouble because lines three and four are too long to fit the preceeding pattern. I would recommend paring them down to remove the "filler" words and regain a hold upon the meter. Like this: Paused, suppressed by Father Time My day's complete because you're mine
In stanza four I think that co-subsist is a little awkward and it would really do better if you moved the "exist" up to make "co-exist" and then found another word to rhyme with, perhaps "resist", considering you're talking about an addiction?
I also thought it odd that burning motivation was gone, considering I need LOOOOADS of caffeine to be motivated! How about the ache and obsession are replaced by burning motivation?
the last stnza is sweet and ties it all up pretty well. To really take it one step further I would encourage you to consider adding some references to stimulation, the colour brown, aroma... but it doesn't actually need them.
I am SO impressed by this. It's a complete turnaround and when I commented yesterday I was expecting a really negative response; what I got in return... man, makes this site so worthwhile
Wow this was really really good. You can tell you have spent time on this and you reeap the rewards. It is very clever and very injoyable to read. It moss leads you so much the ending is great! Nice work. Broken DreamsX