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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Addicting Lustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 728
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1193



    Description:
       Out of the box. I hope. And a bit more effort is given than usual


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Addicting Lustdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You

    Explain the inexplicable
    Cause life to be permissible
    Make welcome the despicable
    Add zing to my ritual and

    Make me

    See clear; you transcend reason
    I shatter crystal clear rules for you
    Eager to commit treason
    Owning your value causes me to

    Feel alive

    Ignite my brazen fire
    Object of my desire
    The pause button is pressed by Father Time
    My day is complete because you are mine

    And I can breathe

    The world spins sure on its axis
    All is now right
    Life and I may now co-subsist
    Time resumes flight

    For I can exist

    Triumph is the victory, and rewarded am I
    Complications fade as clouds in a Chicago sky
    My lust is satisfied; my ache and obsession
    Gone, as is the burning motivation

    I am addicted but

    As I gaze upon your cherished surface
    And clasp you as delicately as a dove
    I inhale your intoxicating scent
    I become overwhelmed with untainted love

    I know why coffee’s a drug




    Submitted on 2005-03-20 01:52:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Excellent. Ab-so-fecking-lutely excellent.
    I had NO IDEA this was about coffee; looking back, I can see more.

    You have done yourself proud on so many counts:
    You accepted possibly the harshest crit you'll ever get on this site, gracefully, and took it to heart
    and worked from it,
    and created,
    and succeeded.

    This FAR transcends a cutting write, because YES it is out of the box, yes it well-crafted and intelligent, and yes, it really works!

    I think you do really well with the structure. The rhyme scheme is a little over-used but to be honest, it's not important right now; you've changed direction but one step at a time and all that. I think the first two stanzas run very well; the third gave me some trouble because lines three and four are too long to fit the preceeding pattern. I would recommend paring them down to remove the "filler" words and regain a hold upon the meter.
    Like this:
    Paused, suppressed by Father Time
    My day's complete because you're mine


    In stanza four I think that co-subsist is a little awkward and it would really do better if you moved the "exist" up to make "co-exist" and then found another word to rhyme with, perhaps "resist", considering you're talking about an addiction?

    I also thought it odd that burning motivation was gone, considering I need LOOOOADS of caffeine to be motivated! How about the ache and obsession are replaced by burning motivation?

    the last stnza is sweet and ties it all up pretty well. To really take it one step further I would encourage you to consider adding some references to stimulation, the colour brown, aroma... but it doesn't actually need them.

    I am SO impressed by this. It's a complete turnaround and when I commented yesterday I was expecting a really negative response; what I got in return...
    man, makes this site so worthwhile

    KEEP IT UP!
    Lea
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this was really really good. You can tell you have spent time on this and you reeap the rewards. It is very clever and very injoyable to read. It moss leads you so much the ending is great! Nice work. Broken DreamsX
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Broken Dreams | [ Reply to This ]
      This was awesome. The way you wrote within the lines. I love this, and then coming up with something so rediculous at the end, lol. Great read!
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Peachpitt | [ Reply to This ]


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