Tears filled up her blue eyes as she ran to the car,
the cut from his knife left a hideous scar.
bruises on her heart he left with mental and physical beatings,
shes crying because she still loves him through all of these mistreatings.
They met at first on a rainy wet day,
He told her that her face was more beautiful then words could say.
He uncovered her barriers that protected her heart,
she loved him even more when they were so far apart.
He said he would stop drinking when he found out she was with child,
later that night a punch in the stomach caused 911 to be dialed.
The baby was ok she was lucky to be told,
he begged for forgiveness and she couldn't say no.
On the day their beautiful gift had arrived,
a baby so perfect that only she had cried.
She was alone for this moment to pass,
after a long night out drinking he showed up at last.
She was upset that he hadnt been there when she needed him the most,
with a drunken slur he said " we just had a baby let us make a toast."
He reached up to kiss her with his foul alcoholic breath,
she pushed him away and asked that she be left.
4 years later a blonde toddler played,
her daddy walked up and fell on the ground where his arm was blood stained.
Heroin marks tracking him everywhere you could see,
the mom grabbed her child and started to flee.
he woke up and stumbled with a knife he had found,
he started stabbing until she fell to the ground.
The baby was screaming for her mom as she ran to the car,
the mom struggled to sit up and hit him so hard.
He lay unconscious with blood surrounding his face,
she started to cry when she got in the car and started to race.
There is no turning back she thought in her head,
as she thought about every lie he had ever said.
| Depressing bit of prose. I truly hope that writing this helped to get the emotions out of the system. And the guy in real life deserves to be shot, but he's also not worth the effort of murdering. Anywho, on to the poem|
There's a lot of emotion written into this poem, but rhyme scheme does a lot to pull away from the emotion. I'd be curious to read this after a rewrite where the whole thing was written in freeverse instead of in rhyme, if you could keep the same level of emotion...
Anyway, each line is an idea of its own. The writing itself is completely unconnected within the piece. That would be the thing to go back and work on, is connecting ideas instead of the statement. statement. statement. statement style that you use. It's another thing that takes away from the amount of emotion that you are expressing here.
This poem has a wonderful foundation, and hopefully did a wonderful job of helping you to vent, but now I would strongly suggest that you go back and do some editing. I'm observing that you posted this about a month and a half ago, so enough time should have passed to allow you to do a good job editing. This is going to be an extremely hard poem to edit; I'm going to say that from the beginning, since you're going to be reopening wounds and sympathies that you feel for your friend. But the way to becoming a better writer is reopening the wound, and taking the step towards editing.
I wish you much luck with that, for whenever you feel ready. Much luff
|| Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ] || This was really sad and I like how you made the whole thing in poem form I hop she's doing better, the flow was pretty good and I liked how you described the whole thing.||| Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ] |