Everyday I think... by POETRY

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Everyday I think... dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	POETRY
ASL Info:	17/f/az
Elite Ratio:	4.29 - 259/141/37
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	449
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	432

Description:
Hope ya like...

Everyday I think... dots

-------------------------------------------

Everyday I think of your name
Everyday I think of your lips
Everyday I think of the way you carried me to fame
Everyday I think of the enjoyment you give me when you rub your hands up and down my hips.
Everyday I only think of you
Everyday I think of the moment my wish will come true,
For the day you'd help me create this life
And let me become your one and only wife

Submitted on 2005-03-20 23:27:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I enjoyed the repition. I enjoyed how the end came together neatly and in rhythm. I got this one. I could feeel the deep sense of longing and was left wondering what else happened to these two lovers. A great read very imaginative. My only critique is the long sentence in the middle...

Everyday I think of the enjoyment you give me when you rub your hands up and down my hips.

I think it stopped the great flow a little and maybe could be broken in two to make the rhythm stronger???

Just a suggestion....
~Alexander Blue
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Alexander Blue | [ Reply to This ]
  man... I've read a few of yours now, and its making me sad. I've been there and I know how hard it is to get over someone but you seem like a great person, and I think you'll make it. I think you should change the last line but its good the way it is.
p.s.-i know other people saying theyve been there NEVER helps but take it from someone whose hurt everyone, they'll regret it after something falls through for them. dont accept any apologies. be strong.
| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
  The repitition worked in the beginning, but got repetitive toward the end. I also noticed that you're 15...whoa. Marriage at 15? You're last line seemed a little off, too.
'And let me be your one and only wife'
The 'one and only' part just doesn't quite fit with this peice...almost like you live in the middle east and multiple marriages are excepted. IDK I think if you worked on it and made it a little more original it would be better.

XOXO - Omni
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by omnipotent | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.