Homecoming King by Lelik

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Homecoming King dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Lelik
ASL Info:	40/M/Jhb - South Africa
Elite Ratio:	5.31 - 1184/979/189
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	365
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	597

Description:
Written a lifetime ago, or was that yesterday? I don't know, my timeline's confused.

Homecoming King dots

-------------------------------------------

Four AM; and I am looking
at the road under tyres humming
on night-black tar. I believe in
the starless sky, made murky
by city lights and reflected in
your eyes. Black, but not empty –
like the sky they are filled
with distance and soft twinkling
pinprick lights. You look at me,
with the hint of a smile playing
over voluptuous lips, unseeing.
Distance grows meaningless
as the long murmuring growl
of the engine devours the new
and spits out the bitter past
left behind, I’m coming to you.

Submitted on 2005-03-21 01:59:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I found this on someone else's favorites list, and am soooo glad that I took the time to look-
so I thank Angelo and your title.

I usually go through these things line by line and point out what I like-my apologies that I can't do it for this one-I don't have the time!

I did take the time to read it through... three times, and recognize the quality of this peace.

It is written in a dreamlike way that complements the idea of timelessness in the piece...
' I believe in
the starless sky'
and
'engine devours the new
and spits out the bitter past
left behind, I’m coming to you.'
it's just very dreamy and abstract to me... something I love for this poem.

I don't really know what else to say about it.

~be easy
| Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the lines "I believe in the starless sky, made murky by city lights and reflected in
your eyes.", -the black of the tarry pavement, the murky sky and your recollection of her eyes, all blend together very realistically as happens when on a long drive. Your thoughts become part and parcel of the landscape, the sky-just as you seem to become part of the vehicle. You proceed in thought from the white lines to to sky, to her eyes, and that progression flows easily, taking the reader through your homecoming theme.

I always have the feeling on those long wee hour trips, that I am ina space ship, -time and space seem irrelevant, and often i think this is how must be to recently dead,-just travelling, yet disassociated with the environment while the real "action" takes place on a dreammy mental plane.

After all the daydreaming though, you say that the "the engine devours the new and spits out the bitter past left behind"-I liked that also, it captures that feeling I described above,-and I can relate very well to that.
This was minimal, yet evocative of what you wanted to say, -that's all good.
Sally
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  forget the past...it's all forgotten and meaningless when the present and the future matters. The past is something that comes up while sitting at a red light.

This is like a time travel thing, leaving your past to get to the girl waiting on the other side - your future. It is a rebirth. Whether you are physically traveling to her, or only in your mind is not important. You end up at the same place.

...I believe in
the starless sky, made murky
by city lights and reflected in
your eyes.

This is a gem.
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  this, like your description suggests, sounds so olod and new all at once. as if you took old,old ideas of love and made them fresh and new...well in admiration, my friend, i shall leave it at that. and hope to read more of your work.
later
ellisa
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
  Well done! A compact, concise poem that knew where it was going and got there with the rhythm and the imagery undrscoring the meaning as a harmonized entity. It's funny, isn't it, how your mind can eat up the miles until you're suddenly at tyour destinationa nd you don't remember how you got there. This poem seemed to me like a mile killing mantra. Don't fall asleep at the wheel!
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  nice...

I believe in
the starless sky, made murky
by city lights and reflected in
your eyes.

i couldn't agree more with the notion and its subterranean flair... argh.

like summerizing one's emotions toward something in the simplicity of the moment and making it as omnipotent as it can be.

the irrationality of it... the uncertainty of surrendering to that feeling - "Black, but not empty
like the sky they are filled
with distance and soft twinkling
pinprick lights. You look at me,
with the hint of a smile playing
over voluptuous lips, unseeing." - you know you can't be too sure of how much you should surrender or how much you should keep for yourself... but rest assured you believe there is something there... and it's worth every moment walking in the dark for.
| Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this paints a very vivid picture in a reader's mind. The only constructive criticism I have is very minor.

Black, but not empty –
like the sky they are filled
with distance and soft twinkling
pinprick lights.

I think i'd put a comma after sky (I told you it was MINOR).

I really like this one. I think we all can relate to it (bad comment alert). I like the pun in the title. I like how he sees her like some sort of goal ahead of him.
| Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.