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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Acts of Denialdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 850
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 975



    Description:
       something I wrote a few years back and really liked. tell me what you think...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsActs of Denialdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You fill the room with reds and golds, dazzling and warm
    They die in the cold your words have created
    Making way for new false colors and deceits
    You whisper shallow promises into the barren night
    And even your eyes are vacant as you stare through me
    I fall down your spirals without your notice
    You remain erect as I drag myself across your indifference
    My blood pools around your sullied white
    My tears momentarily fill the holes in your performed perfection
    And you become complete for the first time in your life

    Then my sorrow has been absorbed
    And your duplicitous smile is back in place
    Youíre gone before I can see the crack in your control
    And Iím hiding once again in your absence
    Allowing the truth to remain buried in your complacency
    Locked securely beneath the reds and golds
    Only threatening to escape when their meaning is sincere




    Submitted on 2005-03-21 22:42:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      reds and golds reminds me of lipstick and blonde hair. This girl that you describe in this poem just sounds like, woah man, like someone who I really do not want to get involved with. Like a girl who is just so beautiful on the outside yet so bad on the inside, and those are the kind you just fall in love with and pine over and chase after and stick with even when they keep lying to you and being cruel...just crazy. This poem really captures the essence of such a woman.

    Awesome job. My only suggestion is possible puncuation (i
    losing capitol letters at the beginning of each line.)



    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      I want to begin by saying that I love your title. It invokes some serious imagery/ideas even before you have started reading the poem, and usually that's a very good sign.

    However, in this case, I almost think that your title is a little too strong for the poem. I can easily see how the little acts that the narrator is doing can be considered done as denial, but I think that based on the context of your poem - and upon real life - I would say that it's more accurate to say that the person is closer to depressed and suicidal.

    Within the poem itself, I would say that it is very well written, and I'm very pleased to find someone who has absolutely no spelling errors within their poem.

    I like how at the beginning you create an aura of warmth with the reds and golds, and then at the end bring everything back to the reds and golds. It's nice how everything comes back in a full circle.

    However, the content within the text of reds and golds feels a little bit too brief for your choice of topic. I like the image of vacant eyes, but when I read this I feel like your telling me what is happening as opposed to describing the scene and letting the reader do a little more imagining on their own. Use more adjectives if you can. See if you can expand on the imagery that you have started and lengthen the rest of the poem. If you can, add more layers to the poem, as opposed to keeping everything hidden within.

    I feel like this is a very good beginning, and it contains some very nice things within it, but I also feel as though it could do with some work. It's your decision if you want to follow my advice, but either way, good luck with your writing.
    | Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


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