wow! can you say intense? i not only read this poem but felt it as well. very moving. it really personifies the struggle against forlorness and despair. it was hard, crushing for the two in the poem, but they fought, and that makes them my hero. we must all fight when we find ourselves under presure and seek the Lord. thank you for this wonderful work. ~john-paul
damn...im thinking there was some interesting oral play here, lol. I lurve it. I swear, you have too much sex on your mind (not like its a bad thing, just don't be like me). I love the simplicity and its on beat. c'est parfait mademoiselle.
jesus the second stanza is fabulous, how you tie all the lines in with water. i esp. love [[You squint against the salt of failure]]....it shows the sting of failure in a metophorical way, but also in a literal way, since salt in you eyes would indeed be painful.
[[The tension mounts Until it breaks in great waves Both of us crushed under the pressure]]
i like this stanza, but i would be careful for clichés in the first two lines. just something to think about.
awesome. i also believe (as you said in a comment on my poem "callus") that brevity is key. sophie
sorry, sorry. i forgot one last thing. i think that you should try ending it with the second stanza. when i read [[Never say we didn't try...]] as the ending, i felt that the poem was weakend. [[And we both drown in hopeless regret]] is much more poignant(sp?), therefore leaving the reader in a better state of awe, rather than letting them down somewhat by throwing that last bit in. but of course, whatever you feel is best. sophie
hmmmm... was somebody not up to par in bed? that's what i got out of it- you had a bad lay- of course, upon reading your three most sexual poems, you have my mind firmly planted in the gutter. if it is about sex, then this was a very discreet way of writing about it... if it is not- which i suspect, because you don't seem too awful discreet in the sex department *wink* then i would assume it is about a once-failed relationship that you're giving another go and watching it fail once again. either way, wonderful setup to this. the tagline is, in a way, what makes this... what resolves the chord you're trying to strike. thanks for the read. *md*
This is hard to understand... the 'salt of failure' makes me think of tears, is this about a relationship breakup? If so, then i think it is always best to try, even if the end is painful. Of course, i could be completely misunderstanding! But i like the mystery of this poem, makes you think. And i don't think you should make it any longer, there's just enough content to make you wonder without being completely baffling. Nice write. xxx
Well, the writing itself is well done and interesting.. Your metaphors and descriptions are well thought out so that they flow well rather than clashing.. I do wonder, however, what it was that inspired this.. It is rather negative, which is something I have grownout of myself.. I used to write only negative things as well, but then one day I just decided that it wasn't helping me as a person, but hey, I'm not trying to harp on ya.. Just expressing my feeling.. You might have tried to lengthen the poem a little to include at least a piece of what led to it..
This is so negative, i hope this isnt your ultimate outlook on life. mind you with a name like 'drowning queen' (if you dont mind me saying) you dont sound altogether carefree. this is nice in that its consice, but i felt it was missing something, i dont get much of a feel for why this failure is happening, perhaps we could have done with a little more of a leading up to this part of the poem. i dont know ellisa