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bound to stone


Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 164
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 821
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 930



Description:


I really didnt think I would write more poetry but I guess this is a sort of poem. Just tell me what you think.
Thanks,
trisha


bound to stone



Somewhere during a long dream I got lost
between the way you look and the awfulness of the world
trying be true to myself I ask you
if you may help me be, but no use I'm lost
then in a glimpse of moment
where no response can be met
I'm carried away by the things I knew before
I ask for something to do
so u hand me a stone with a list of spells
I ponder accepting this,
this which you gave should I choose to accept
outweighs me a hundred pounds
and while it hurts to be carried by my frail arms
I'm still able to carry it
You answered my questions with a heavy answer and sweet smile
I want to accept it with all its weight
somewhere
in the back of my mind I'm afraid to look at it
but I know it's there.
It's always been there, then again so have you.




Submitted on 2005-03-23 21:19:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Since I know what you're talking about (at least I think I do) it makes it more difficult for me to leave a comment of interpretation and meaning because I can't produce meaning if it's already there. But either way I do like the way you express yourself here. I personally liked the lack of punctuation... it let me almost mold the poem in my mind's eye. It's kind of like how e cummings uses punctuation in strange places to make a point, the lack of punctuation makes a point. I love the whole stream of consciousness feeling to it. I would only recommend some stanza breaks to slow the pace down. Since there are no stanza breaks it goes by much faster than I think it should. I like, I like very much.
| Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like this alot.

my mind is blank though.

ill comment on it later.. but since it wont let me just post.. i would suggest writting more like this.. if you already dont.. so much meaning that underlies all of the words

xo, jon

xo, jon
| Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by DreamSyndicate | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't think the title has anything to do with the actual poem, and yes, the grammar needs work, i think moreso the punctuations coz like the elevemth line is really sketchy, i am wondering what you mean.

the poem itself is sweet, dealing with a burden-is it rejection or what but i can feel the pain as i read through the whole of it. i think that on the other hand the eleventh line could have spoilt everything, if u could change it,but it was a felt write, nice one.
| Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]
  Second line, awful has no "E"
Fourth line, please type out the word "you"
Sixth line, did you mean "met" instead of "meet"
Ninth line, please type out the word "you"
Eleventh line makes absolutely no sense

Once you hit the line about answering your questions, the flow and the emotion were much better. The beginning felt really off, almost as though you were trying to force the words out onto the page, but by the end the emotions were forcing their way out.

If you have any time, I would suggest rewriting this poem so that it fits more with the way the ending turned out. It's a good beginning, but it needs a lot of work.
| Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


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