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    dots Submission Name: Untitled (revised)dots

    Author: pinurplepassion
    ASL Info:    24/f/somewhere in TX
    Elite Ratio:    5.92 - 165/146/17
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 654

       This is just the way I have felt the last couple days. I dont know about the form and stuff its just kinda how it came to me. I would like any thoughts you have, and please gimme a title.

    And by the way, the word TAMPONAGE, is a medical term that simply means blockage.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntitled (revised)dots

    Confusion, chaos, collision.
    A little boy shoots.
    The little girls cry.
    Children scream at God.

    Torture, timelines, tamponage.
    Take the tubes out.
    Put the tubes back in.
    Adults playing God.

    Disaster, despair, destruction.
    The buildings fall.
    The bodies are lifted.
    Mourners question God.

    Tears, tension, turbulence.
    Many sleepless nights.
    Many restless days.
    By-standers whisper to God.

    People live, people die,
    By our hands or by His,
    We are at His mercy.

    Submitted on 2005-03-24 01:01:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Really great use of alliteration, but what this poem's about is a little unclear. Is it about god? About people playing god? Or something entirely different? I think you should clarify this a bit more. Otherwise, decent poem. :3
    | Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by Ajyra | [ Reply to This ]
      There is so much bad news today. This brings it out well. and it ends with a question I'm sure we've all asked. But I think of God like this..
    It's like a loving parent with their child.. The child stumbles and hurts himself badly.. The parent didn't cause it but they were there to pick him up and take care of him, dust off the dirt, tend to his wounds, love him back to health..
    Well, I'm not good at explaining.. but I'm just saying.. God's always there to pick us up when we fall.. if we let him.

    A good write.. and thought provoking.

    Take Care!
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      to me, this is an excercise in alliteration.
    all abundently alien.

    as an excercise i guess it can be good to give your mind something to play with, focus on or excercise with.

    but as a poem this is all too much in one piece.
    so much alliteration means that it is hard to see anything else. it means that you have contrived many of your words so that they have the same first letter as the one before, and thus inherently weakening your voice and direction and message and whatever else you may have going on in here.

    and eventually you break out of it at the end, and i feel like i am coming out of a tunnel and then you hit us with three massive clichés one after another after another.

    kick us while we ar down why dont you.

    take care
    | Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey pinurplepassion.

    You certainly have a lot on your mind ;0) I have read it a couple of times and think the poem is okay, but maybe it need some work before the idea is pushed forward in the right perspective ;0) I feel a lot of despair, lot of confusion going in different directions and keeping me quite busy of tracking them down, trying to find god, at his mercy ;0) Trying to figure out where the real feeling of despair came from ;0) Do Children really scream at god ? ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]

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