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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Two HeartBeatsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ace
    ASL Info:    17/m/In Hell
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 305/337/56
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1111
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 916



    Description:
       i have no idea where i came from but it is about a girl in love with some one who died and she cant get over him and she got pregnant but the baby died, just incase if you couldnt get it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwo HeartBeatsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Joy as I arose to you
    Such distinguished joy
    As we interlocked
    The blood rushes
    It hard again
    It tingles as you tickle me
    What joy is this
    As you feel this inside of you
    All is warm and alive in you
    The pumping of me
    The pleasure for you
    You say stop
    As I continue
    Your mind in the orgasmic thought
    This will be the fun of rot
    No cares to the out come
    Unprotected as I pulled out
    Just to late
    You have it now
    I leave never to see you again
    You say your alone
    As your tummy grows
    Two heartbeats
    No one knows
    Now you cant stand the thought of me
    For I was never there
    You wake up so full of sorrow
    You woke up so hollow
    Dreaming of the past again
    You couldnt be nine months
    Ive been dead for ten




    Submitted on 2005-03-24 17:50:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This brought tears to my eyes. For real. I know people that this has happened to. Its sad to go through and to lose someone you love so greatly and then that last piece of them. The piece of you and them. . . erg. . *Tears*

    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, i thought it was going to be somehting different when i read the title but this was definately interesting, it was original as well and I think that you did well with it. I thought that the end was awesome...I've been dead for ten...good words.
    PEace,
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I will admit that you got my attention with the title of this poem but you got my whole attention from the bebggiming middle and end.
    On this part:
    Joy as I arose to you
    Such distinguished joy
    As we interlocked
    The blood rushes
    It hard again
    It tingles as you tickle me
    What joy is this
    As you feel this inside of you
    All is warm and alive in you
    The pumping of me
    The pleasure for you
    You say stop
    As I continue
    Your mind in the orgasmic thought
    THese lines at first made me think that the whole poem was going to be about love making But then on this part:
    Unprotected as I pulled out
    Just to late
    You have it now
    I leave never to see you again
    You say your alone
    As your tummy grows
    Two heartbeats
    No one knows
    When I read these lines I really hate to admit the first thought in my mind was How could you leave her pregnant.At first to me that was kind of messed up but then when I read :

    You couldnt be nine months
    Ive been dead for ten
    These last two lines blew me away.So she never was really pregnant by you but her thoughts were making her reminise about that certain event when you have been dead for 10 years.Really good write.Thanks for your comment on Can You Make It Stop?You were exactly right .I feel that it is not us who makes bad mistakes it is are actions or the brain that tells us to do things.Sorry I wrote too much.
    | Posted on 2005-06-12 00:00:00 | by shombray | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually disagree with everyone, hehe. This isn't you and it's definetly not your best. I don't know if you have ever experienced this before, but it doesn't seem as if you have. It was just really random and not your usual in any way. I've seen better.

    you know who I am <3
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by ace_in_the_hole | [ Reply to This ]
      this was increably real, this subject was very realistic. but the idea that the guy would have died, i suppose it works the story in the direction you wanted it to go.
    the pain of that girl must have been vast, to lose her lover, and then the only thing she had to hold on to was the child which then dies! this is all so heartbreaking. kudos! the pain was easily shared from writer to reader, and the words... make this piece feel as though you're watching a movie instead of reading a poem.
    there is one problem though.
    Second line. i believe it is suppose to be "ItS hard again."
    it was heartbreaking. good job, i think.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
      At first i found this disturbing but i told myself not 2 b afraid and you took me to a level that i needed 2 b. This is very impressive and thought provoking. You r an instrument of God. Love, Peace, Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      It's so real. The imagery is so real. I want to know how this came to you..grrr too bad you don't. Theres one little tiny mistake not big at all

    Just to late
    should be
    Just too late.

    See not big at all. Thats all I found, other than that don't change a thing.
    Hugs and kisses! Smile you've got Frenches!
    Blessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate to disagree with eveyone but for me there was just something missing from this...for such a strong subject and for the intense point you are trying to get across it just lacked emotion. It was hard to get "involved" in this piece..

    A nice read true, original hell yeah but just emotionaly disconnected from being believable
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh...my god... Truly unique. I loved it soo much. I just have to put it in my favs. Definite thumbs up on this one! It's so real and so true, and it could happen. I love it soo much!
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
      I want say bravo for the originally of this horrible event, one could only imagine the hell of this woman life for years to come.

    Your imagery help pulled it all together, yes the subject so suck,but its still a very good poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      "Two Heartbeats" caught my eye I read the word "fu*k and groaned continue reading and reading and then "Your nine months Ive been dead for ten" blew me away. You are good very good! How you managed to write such a scenerio in rhyme I don't know but am extremely impressed. Fantastic read!
    | Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]


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