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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Friday Night at Riley'sdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kristina9178
    ASL Info:    32/F/Ft. Lauderdale,FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.56 - 773/719/73
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1530
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1451



    Description:
       Constructive crit please! Brutal is good, if educated.

    I'm questioning the form....

    Actually, I'm not happy too happy with it as a whole.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFriday Night at Riley'sdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In carnal hour, windows lock above a collage of intoxicated napkins &
    discarded cocktail straws, in the same craving gaze as always
    when our hurried lives cross in the after-hours; each of us
    bleeding our souls into frothy red plastic cups,
    early morning eyes yearning
    for a whisper, a heart to hold,
    a mouth to touch, a moment of oblivion.

    The girl is but a chore at your side.
    She tosses platinum locks and talks
    of herself, madder lips oiled and fleeting,
    windows tinted a vain shade of green.
    You laugh politely at something she says,
    regard your watch, absolve yourself.

    I am already waiting on the avenue as you come to me,
    palms exposed, a smile much like one of the cat
    in the story where a rabbit was running late:
    bright and crescent as our keeper's light.
    In a fiery ritual our mouths clash

    like famished lions, savage and
    mighty in their ferocity.
    Such is the sacrament of our desire:
    instinctive, impassioned, insatiable.

    Tomorrow, I will leave you sleeping.
    There will be no telephone calls,
    no maudlin promises of love;

    only soft whispers of memory, your flesh
    disappearing into mine as the night settled with violins

    upon the remnants of a new departure.






    Submitted on 2005-03-25 02:21:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the form works fine as is and I wouldn't suggest changing it. What can you really do with it? There's so much content here that to break it up any finer . . . well, sure, you could, but to what end? Would it make this piece any stronger? Hell no. But then again, I believe most poems can be improved upon . . .

    Now what's readily apparent to me is that this poem has a sonic quality that is subtle and meant to be read aloud. I got that from the first stanza, and if you sacrificed a little "reality" to achieve this, it was well worth it. For example "windows lock" serves no purpose to set the stage, but it makes for one helluva good foil for "intoxicated" and later "cocktail." <and the layered meanings, the lateness of the hour, when ppl lock their windows, and as "windows to the soul" or eyes>. This was, in my opinion, brilliantly acheived.

    But then it seems you abandoned this after the opening stanza . . . for a more conversational tone. This may be the poem's one flaw, the one thing that overbalances the piece, in some way, <that S1 is illiterated so well> but I hate to say that because the overall effect was a good one . . . it's like you give us something lyrical, and then the curtain opens, and our story begins . . . if that's what you meant to do, or even if it happened by accident well, this might be the key to improving or strengthening this poem. You could even use italics for the entire first stanza . . . and I wouldn't complain . . . then go back to them again at the end. Yeah . . .

    Someone down there said this was too busy, that there were too many images in rapid succession and without looking <and let me apologize in advance> that's just horses h i t because it's the richness of your imagery that really establishes the setting, tone, environment . . . call it what you will . . . it puts us there in the action and keeps us there. Maybe the complaint is valid about the reference to Alice but then again . . . anyone who has been to a busy club <I worked some of the best in Chicago> will tell you, it IS a wild ride, a sea of people, flashing lights, bodies, so the imagery in a sense . . . well the confusion is implicit . . . if it exists at all. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox about that subject.

    Impressions. There are a lot of truths to what you've said here . . . to what you've shown in all its glory and decadence. But perhaps the best thing is that you didn't glorify these moments we spend searching for eye contact, or more. Ultimately, I believe you're pointing out the hollowness of the whole thing, and without really saying it . . . asking a question <maybe of yourself>. I could be wrong, you could be just observing . . . but I feel you took time to point out there at the end how easily you can navigate beyond the usual insincere entanglements . . . and vanish like morning mist.

    Does it make us harder, more stone-hearted, or cynical to live in these moments? Seeking and yet not finding, killing time in the interim? Ah, I dunno. There's something here to think about, and that much I DO know.

    And now let me close this absurdly long comment by saying simply . . . I thought this was engrossing, interesting, provocative, and not too deep but about as deep as I've ever heard the bar scene described. Actually, it was pretty kick ass. You set the stage, snapped the magnets together, the segued past the sticky moments <and left it up to our sordid imaginations, well done!> then made your closing statement. All very neatly accomplished and more minimalistic than it would appear at first blush.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      This is hot! A lust-filled one nighter originating in the carnal hours at a local. The images are outstanding. I don't know what to say about the form, except that it should probably be faster, meaning shorter lines, images hitting the reader quicker, as if you lock eyes, rush to each other, enjoy the carnal pleasures, and only after the act do you become reflective and the lines can become longer.

    In carnal hour
    windows lock
    above a collage
    of intoxicated napkins &
    discarded cocktail straws.

    Also, I think you're referring to eyes when you say "windows", and I find this too vague, why not "glances" (too trite?), why not "viewpoint(s)".

    In the line about the Cheshire cat, I don't thinkyou need "one of". In the final line:

    "upon the remnants of a new depature"

    It seemed that this was a recurring event and perhaps it should be "our newest" or "our latest" and departure sounds of train stations and airports. If there was any emotion here shouldn't it be a "parting" or "leaving" or a pub reference such as "last call".

    "on the remnants of our last call"

    Anyways, if this sounds critical or perhaps silly, forgive me. I'm just getting back to writing and critiquing again after a bad spell, so my thoughts aren't exactly focused.

    I truly enjoyed your poem, a slice of life cut from the passions of youth. It caused me to reminisce a bit. Wonderfully written, your decriptions were precise and yet original. I liked stanza 4 most of all, for its wildness and abandon. Once again you've pushed the erotic button and launched another rocket. Great job!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      "bleeding our souls into frothy red plastic cups,"
    Haven't we all? Excellent image I imagine anyone who's gone to, been to, seen a college relates. As I've read the comments preceding I just wanted to say I'm fine with the pace. It leaves you spinning, but considering the content that seems appropriate. Anyway I prefer poetry as a shotgun, rather than a time bomb. More constructively if I could change one word it'd be in this stanza.

    "The girl is but a chore at your side.
    She tosses platinum locks and talks
    of herself, madder lips oiled and fleeting,
    windows tinted a vain shade of green.
    You laugh politely at something she says,
    regard your watch, absolve yourself."

    I'm not crazy about absolve. I suppose for me it suggests a purification that clashes with the direction he chooses. I suppose I want the subject to be consumed by raving sexuality rather than bathed in a pious light. Anyway it works either way.
    -harley-
    | Posted on 2005-04-10 00:00:00 | by harley3k | [ Reply to This ]
      Ausome. This is a wonderful poem, very sensous, and it really conveys desire accurately. However, the first two lines are a bit long winded. Why not try and break them up a bit more? This is, of course, just a suggestion. Otherwise, quite a suberb piece of work. :3
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Ajyra | [ Reply to This ]
      Kris,
    First of all let me say I'll read the other critiques to this after I give my comments.
    I think part of the "problem" if there is one, is that you bludgeon us with subtlities. The opening reads a bit fast and it wasn't until I was to the date that I realized the windows were eyes. In the opening the word "lock" in conjunction with "windows" gave me the image of steel bars and closing time, not passion, so it took me a minute to catch up to that. I think the long connected lines also slurr things a bit, making it fuzzy instead of giving focus to the look, the attraction, and chemistry that's happening. I'd rather see the focus there and the rest of the bar blurring instead.

    the second stanza works for me but the third is a bit awkward, some what in the imagery but more so in the word choice. The colon and description of the smile are so indirect (misplaced modifier) that it takes a minute to figure out what the fourth line is describing...(maybe I missed the cat and rabbit story so it leaves a question mark). clash is also a bit of a bland word choice for your style and while it fits with the imagery, you usually find more unique word choices to describe these things.

    The stanza breaks help pull your reader along in your rush and the break before tha last line is like a long sigh that your finally together and so works well as a tension release.

    On a personal note, all I can say is I hate when that happens, but ain't it fun! He may be bad for you but what a rush.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I truly enjoyed reading this one; and not being a poet myself, please don't take my criticism to heart.
    The imagery particularly in the club was quite provoking. I was able to visualize the setting and the surroundings. It reached me well, and I have no complaints of the opening.
    As it progressed though, I began to feel the words become more practiced. Not quite fully stilted, but overthought.
    The poem still did what I believe it was intended to, and I will strongly admit it was emotionally invoking. The ending was bitter-sweet and left me grateful that I had finished reading the entire work.
    Nice job, and I hope to read more from you soon.
    His Assholiness -
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by His Assholiness | [ Reply to This ]
      Right...
    I just had a pensive forehead rub moment, gathering my thoughts on this. I like the story that it tells me but I think its very busy.
    I'm enjoying what i read but line after line gets swallowed up by what came before. I'd like to see the key moments more isolated.
    There a number of subleties you cann apply to do that. You'll find your own.
    Breaking apart the stanzas some more, at least to give my head some breathing point would be an idea.

    I like the language you're using. Not sure what exactly here is tugging at me but you have a very divulgent tone here that really appeals to me. This reads like a secret giggled drunkenly by candlelight. Deliciously scandalous.

    Ohh I'm trying to look at this and see what to change but you know, I got what I wanted from this, there's a warm shade of mulberry-aura.
    The feel-good one. So I dunno, I don't really think it should be drastically altered.
    I liked the big smile, the ferocious kiss.
    I like this skeleton.
    Jummpy bones ;)
    Lea
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      I suppose you're questioning the form for good reason: because it is questionable whether it adds to or detracts from the power of the story.
    You will know as well as anyone that the words are not enough as a rule; they need a skeleton to be hung on. And this particular one strikes me as being affected by early stage rheumatism. I would like to know why you wrote it down this way because in some places the breaks do seem arbitrary see:
    instead of like famished lions, savage and I see this as crying out for:
    like famished lions,
    savage and mighty in their fierceness (ferocity?)
    This was a 'simple' one that jarred my eye hence my willingness to accept a discordance that is wilful sometimes as opposed to artistically inspired.
    So despite loving the language and the well documented and believable longing, I think you could put it down on a piece of paper in a form that will Janet and John a reader through.
    I guess that you might end up with a piece looking like something inbetween.
    By the way, it SOUNDS good when read out loud if that is of help.
    Take it easy down there...
    Hasta,
    K
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      I've never seen anyone else write about that in such poetic wording. Good job in doing so and hope you keep writting. Me I'm trying to find a way to virus that dumba s s who keeps writting sht on my comments. that lukewarn fag. I'ts pissing me off, but I know alote more about him than he realizes and he's going down. He's writting threats to the wrong Italian fresnen.
    Any way sorry to have to tell you that and wast your time but good write and keep on going girl.
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
      OK. You mention form, so let me focus on that for a sec. You decided to make each stanza decrease by one line. That's interesting. It might also be interesting that each stanza seems to decrease in both morality and expectation to some extent. I'm not sure if that is the intention, but that is how I see it. Interesting also that I almost want another line, to complete the thought and the structure...yet you don't give us that...closure, as if to say, "go ahead and write your own last line" and I'm pretty sure that is your intention, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. As this is basically a narrative poem, a closed ending would probably diminish the effect of the emptiness and longing for fulfillment that carries throughout the piece, so the open ending serves you well in achieving that feeling that there are no answers here.

    K. Maybe I'm not educated enough to express well what I was trying to say, so just in case - I think the form you chose was fine. IF the feeling you were trying to give was a sinking of morals, fading expectations, etc., then you got the effect you were looking for.

    Content:

    You are such a talented writer. You showcase these talents in many diferent ways, but me being one that loves narration and real life scenes to create feelings, I can't help but think this is where you belong. Your scenes are so vivid and detailed. For instance, "red plastic cups" takes me (and I'm sure all of us) to a place we've all been. With these scenes you tell truths that most of us deny. Primal, animal-like truth.

    I believe S1 L3 I think live wants to be lives?

    This is both intense and reflective. It conveys feelings of longing, passion, loneliness and the ending brings somewhat of an epiphany..that at least one longing, for one night, has been fulfilled and the narrator can move on and take from it whatever it was worth.

    Damn, that was one uneven critique, but then again I've been writing it for a couple hours while taking care of business inbetween, so I apologize for that. I'll come back later when I can give it more attention and hopefully something of more focus and substance. But in short, I am taken aback by your ability to use descriptive scene-writing to create feelings that effect the reader. I love this type of poetry, it's where I tend to go myself and this gives me something to gauge myself against in terms of where I'm at in my maturation process. This deserves more than I've given it, but it's the best I can do right now...more than anything, I'm so happy to see you writing!
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy love it, Kris-Man!
    This is really quite nice...I especially enjoy the allusion to Alice in Wonderland.
    "a smile much like one of the cat
    in that story where a rabbit was running late:"
    Whenever my life feels kind of odd in a good yet unexplainable way, I think of Alice...(and I played her in a community theatre production when I was in 8th grade..hahaha...side note of little consequence). But it's the story of my life! Little naive girl does some bad drugs and learns a hell of a lot about cats and rabbits and queens...and life. Anyway...

    You capture that "Carnal Hour" really well here. I know just the one...when last call is called and the lights come on to expose the bleary eyed drunks...as if those lights are there for you to see the selection, choose someone and go...or find your way to the commode...whatever fits.

    "your flesh
    disappearing into mine as the night settled with violins
    upon the remnants of a new departure."
    -Now that line is like butter on a bagel...perfect and lovely...inspired and capturing the essence of the end of that one night stand.
    I'm givin you props on this sucker...your images are clean and lovely.

    Um, some of your stops are confusing to me...some of your spacing...I won't say it's wrong, because I try to see stuff like that and punctuation as breaths...I just don't quite hear it, but I'll read it again and see what you mean.
    Great one doll!
    Marianne
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey thas great that i actually caught u posting. I left this one to last - in reality i shoulda done it first cuz now im a bit more drunk than i was. Well, i wanna get straight that there are two girls in this, one of them u and the other not ya? If thas so, than im about that sorta - hm idunno wot u call it. But its somehow right to me that there should be a favored woman and a hopeful one - see this isn't really saying things the way i want to. It sounds kinda spiteful or mean or something.

    Also y do you leave with no words? Personally I would find that somewhat insulting. Ykno unless there was an understanding or a phone call later. then again, i find myself to be an anachronism in modern dating circles. See, basic evolutionary psychology dictates that males will want to kno where females the copulate with go - this is really important because otherwise one runs the risk of being cuckolded. Obviously this is no longer a real risk in the age of genetic testing, but the psychology still remains. Same reason its harder to lie if you have a picture of a person in the room in which you can see the eyes - our brains are hardwired.

    I'm so glad that you have finally written another poem that I can sink my teeth into. Something with people and warmth and feelings. I'm about that sorta stuff - the abstract stuff doesn't grab me love. The abstract chages every time you change minds - for me thas too often. However I know im even gonna like this tomorrow when i sober up. Thas y its a fav ykno?
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      kristina,
    well you ask a lot, and i fear that i may not be able to live up to your request in your description, so i apologise in advance if it is not what you expect.
    though it is nice to see you posting again.

    i can only add nit-pickety pick points as i think you know what you are doing, so take them as you will.

    you have succeeded in portraying a animal-esque sexuality about your piece, a primal and instinctive wanting for lust.
    so i guess that is job done on that front.

    the only main problem i think i have
    [incidentally i have no problem with the form as such, i kind of like the way the verses get smaller as you draw to your point]
    is to do with wording.
    a potential to do list:

    'when our hurried live cross in the after-hours;'
    is this supposed to say lives?

    'for a heart to hold, a mouth to touch,
    a whisper, a moment of oblivion.'
    these are your words and i am happy with them but how about rearranging them to read as follows:
    a whisper, h heart to hold,
    a mouth to touch, a moment of oblivion.'
    i think if you put the descriptions in order of length it helps to build your piece up, which seems to be important within your subject, and it also helps with the movement of the piece, much like a tiger; silky and smooth.

    i think that your start to stanza two is good. i get to the word 'madder,' and feel like it is a hurdle.
    and this is not your fault, and it is your word, but the problem i have is that there are so many meanings for the word 'madder:
    [Angry; resentful. See Synonyms at angry.
    Suffering from a disorder of the mind; insane.
    Temporarily or apparently deranged by violent sensations, emotions, or ideas: mad with jealousy.
    Lacking restraint or reason; foolish: I was mad to have hired her in the first place.
    Feeling or showing strong liking or enthusiasm: mad about sports.
    Marked by extreme excitement, confusion, or agitation; frantic: a mad scramble for the bus.
    Boisterously gay; hilarious: had a mad time.
    Affected by rabies; rabid.]
    that this becomes vague and i am not sure what it is you are talking of. i need something more specific to get an accurate image of her in my head
    [i am a slow boy!]
    and i just think that the word is awkward.

    'I am already waiting on the avenue as you come to me,
    palms exposed, a smile much like one of the cat
    in that story where a rabbit was running late:'
    whereas i can almost see the analogy you make here of the Cheshire cat smile, i think the way you have worded it is a little too vague and colloquial; written as it would have been spoken perhaps takes away a little poetic essence,
    but this could just be me, and is just my opinion.

    'In fiery ritual our mouths clash'
    this seems like it should read:
    'In a fiery ritual our mouths clash.'

    i think the enjambment from that stanza to the next is effective.
    ' like famished lions, savage
    and mighty in their fierceness.'
    would ferocity sound better as opposed to fierceness?
    i also feel like a comma after fierceness would aid the stanza better, helping it move more akin to the tiger rather than the hippo [only kidding, but you get what i mean]

    you could insert a double space the following stanza:
    'like famished lions, savage
    and mighty in their fierceness.
    Such is the sacrament of our desire:
    instinctive, impassioned, insatiable.'
    or do something conceptually to indicate the change of direction in the poem. you may not find this necessary but it is just a suggestion.
    i cant see if you have put an 'l' in 'maudlin,' the letters are so fu-cking small on this screen, but you should know if you have not.
    and i now have a headache.

    and again i like your enjambment to the last stanza. i think the breaking to wards the end adds to the void you create and the slightly empty emotions.

    and that is that.
    i hope you are well.
    take care
    'kristina with all the numbers'
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      you have managed to write about a one night stand very eloquently, Kris! this is really well-written. i love "windows tainted a vain shade of green." i can see this bleached blonde with her trophy man on her arm, caring really nothing about anything except for how she looks. no wonder he takes off to be with you! you have made every word count here. two people trying to connect in a smoky bar, searching for something... great job.
    | Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Very intelligent write, Kris, you amaze me with your images on this one..intoxicated napkins, ...each of us bleeding our souls in frothy red plastic cups..
    Love is the best drug of all, no doubt and your intent shows well in your friends leaving, neither of you are caught in the social jive, he escapes to greet you. Maybe it's not love, (do we know for sure?) but it is caring and that's certainly better than drowning the feeling of loneliness in endless vats of dumbing down liquid.
    Here are some ideas for line breaks in the first stanza if you want to use them..

    In (the) carnal hour, windows lock above
    a collage of intoxicated napkins, discarded cocktail straws
    in the same craving gaze as always
    when our hurried lives cross in the after-hours

    I love the message here, thanks for sharing, it's a great write.
    peace and love,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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