Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Beginning of the Enddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pinurplepassion
    ASL Info:    24/f/somewhere in TX
    Elite Ratio:    5.92 - 165/146/17
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 1154
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1375



    Description:
       I know it reads in a kinda odd way, but I literally was having a conversation with this person and thinking all this in my head and that is the way I was thinking it. Not sure if it was meant to be a poem or what, but I thought I would tweak it a little bit and TA-DA. If it sounds a little out of order or confused, its supposed to. Thats the nature of the beast. Sorry so long.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Beginning of the Enddots
    -------------------------------------------


    You used to think it endearing,
    the way I fussed over you,
    the way I...
    worried.

    How many times have I held you
    in my arms and
    prayed to God you would never change,
    and hoped like hell you will?

    One of us has to care about YOU.

    You had my heart handed to you
    on a silver platter.
    They're tarnished now.
    That's what happens when you don't
    polish them.
    You toss them away curling a smile,
    as if you are trying to cure my
    "rejection deficiency".

    Beating my head against a wall for you,
    LITERALLY.
    Trying to learn how to care without
    caring too much,
    Trying to learn how to walk away without
    stepping on your toes.
    Broke all the eggshells,
    so you make me walk on coals.

    Watching you slipping away...

    Can't even seem to cry right.
    Getting accused of playing my guilt but
    you've always had the winning hand.
    I've never held an ace,
    just a bunch of
    jokers.

    You'll never pass my way again,
    once you move on, and I
    hope like hell that you won't but
    pray to God that you will.

    Maybe I will care about ME for a while.




    Submitted on 2005-03-25 07:01:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey purps

    I have looked at your poem “The Beginning of the End” as promised and hope that you are able to use some of it ;0)
    I am not happy with this version, but maybe you can use some of it ;0)

    The beginning of the end

    You used to think it endearing,
    the way I fussed over you,
    the way I...
    worried.

    How many times,
    have I held you in my arms
    prayed to God that you would never change,
    >I hoped you would< difficult ;0)

    One of us has to care….

    You had my heart handed
    on a silver platter.
    They're tarnished now.
    That's what happens
    when you toss it away
    curled on a smile,
    trying to cure
    my "rejection deficiency".

    Beating my head against the wall,
    - LITERALLY - .
    Tried to learn how to care
    without caring too much,
    Tried to learn how to walk away
    without stepping on your toes.
    Broke all the eggshells,
    walked on coals.

    Watched you slip away...

    Can't even seem to cry right
    accused of playing my guilt
    only left with a bunch of jokers

    You'll never pass me again
    never look in my direction
    hoped like hell that you won't
    Still praying to God, that you will.

    Maybe, I will care about ME for a change.

    keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, I've read a few of your pieces, and they are certainly from the mind. I liked this one, not at first, I thought it was awkward at the start,
    "prayed to God you would never change,
    and hoped like hell you will?"
    That's a hell of a contradiction and you probably need to give a bit more background to help the reader understand.
    "on a silver platter.
    They're tarnished now."
    From singular to plural in one sentence just reads badly.
    Anyway, they're my major crits, from then on I really liked it, there are some great lines in there, and you ended it well, that statement works in this context
    "You'll never pass my way again,
    once you move on, and I
    hope like hell that you won't but
    pray to God that you will."
    Totally different to the way you used it at the start. Anyway, overall I liked it, an interesting way to write about an oft-told story. Be happy, Graeme.
    | Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Purps ;0)

    This poem really have a lot of anger and if I remember correctly does it sound a bit like “The Unruly Puppet” Beating my head against a wall for you= Veil my head are still bouncing Between your hairy, muscled legs ;0) I think you really have a lot on your mind and as you wrote, do you really make it work when you have something to say ;0) I like the rhythm in it and hope you write some more ;0)

    Watching you slipping away... on purpose ? or

    I do have some problem with this stanza. I do not really know what it is, but something is not right ? Am I right or ?

    You'll never pass my way again,
    once you move on, and I
    hope like hell that you won't but
    pray to God that you will.

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      i hope this isnt the one you thought i was refering to earlier anyways very nice and if its about dumbass i still have a nice place to bury him
    anyways its nice to see the passion you very rarely show keep it up and i love this latest
    | Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by Georgia Gurl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    51669

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry