Death by Obsession by SammySueYou

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Submission Name: Death by Obsession dots

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Author:	SammySueYou
ASL Info:	20/f/nm
Elite Ratio:	3.12 - 79/70/25
Words:	148

Class/Type:	Poetry/You left me
Total Views:	379
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	895

Description:
This poem is very metaphorical....It's basically a poem of betrayal, obsession, and backstabbing....I had a dream that something like this happened....

Death by Obsession dots

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Living my unknown life of hell,
you ask me to hand you another nail.
Building my coffin where I shall lay,
clinging to the words you say.
I'm living but I'm dying inside,
smearing all the tears I have cried.
You are my friend I love so much,
I'm needing I'm bleeding for your touch.
I walked on the hottest fire for you,
you have given me something else to do.
You asked to bury me alive,
I said ok and took the dive.
You said you would come back for me,
you placed the lid and I couldn't see.
I heard the sound of falling dirt,
my lungs had already started to hurt.
I could now hear nothing but my thoughts,
many years later my body still rots.
I waited for you until I had died,
my very last thought was of how you had lied....

Submitted on 2005-03-26 14:16:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  It does kind of sound like a dream. Its not very clear. It flows from one thing to the next with out much conection. My only sugjestion is to have a little better word choice. I think it would sound better if you said better if you said begun insted of started, just things like that. But thats just my opinon.
| Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by Rail | [ Reply to This ]
  I lvoe this piece. It was amazing. Your metaphors are like nothing i have ever read before. You knwo what..you sort of remind me of a chic version of Edgar Allen Poe..in a good way, he is one of my fav writers. you are amazing.
| Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW ! This was very amazing. I enjoyed every word expressed in this poem. It totally caught my attention and you were very creative. you put bountiful effort upon this poem
and stayed on the topic title. WOW ! this was great : 100% !
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by J-IDENTITY | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi there. I liked the themes of this piece: betrayal, death, and obsession. Heavy stuff, indeed. I like the image of the coffin and burial, which you use well in several places throughout the poem. Also, the title is good (it catches the eye). If you are looking for ways to improve the piece, there are several things you could try. You might want to rewrite it without rhyming, as the rhyme scheme may be restricting your thoughts here, especially when considering the depth and complexity of the subject matter. Another thing you might want to try is taking all of the lines where you actually say something (i "I'm living but I'm dying inside" or "my very last thought was of how you had lied") and replace them with an image or images that convey what you are feeling. After all, it's usually better to show than tell, as showing lets your reader make his or her own assumptions about what you are feeling, which increases her or his interest in the poem.

If you make any changes, send me a note. I always like seeing a piece evolve.

-DD
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
  this was one dark and driven piece of writing.it's unfortunate how so many are led astray and left by the wayside like you have described.i truly think that you have struck a chord of recognition with the readers in regard to your poem.i hope that you will be able to carry on.good luck and fare well. SoNNy
| Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
  The metaphors in this piece were awesome. I hope to read more of your work... and the thought of being buried alive... *shudders* ugh... scary. lol
| Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by Dark Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  I heart this! I really do
! I love how every line has a metaphor,
Keep up all your writing,
You shall see that all this pays off,
Not in money or fame,
But in ____ Fill in the blank
| Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by Thinkingofyou | [ Reply to This ]

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