Description: I posted this a while back and felt that although it was acceptable it wasn't as good as it could have been. So I re wrote it. Let me know what you think. If you want to see the original I didn't delete it it's called "Of Apathy and Zeal" of course.
Of Apathy and Zeal (revised) -------------------------------------------
Sleep demons hanging from eyelashes
As the under desk dragon snores
Scratching a doubloon
From between titanium scales
Swimming images
Flash across a groggy mind
In much the same way
That jesters juggle and tumble
Across the floor of sub-consciousness
A pen falls,
Landing near
The filled to exploding waste basket
Numbers and doodles litter the ground
As the constant
*bloop*
Drip of the water cooler
*bloop*
Counts out
*bloop*
The pulse
*bloop*
Of the
*bloop*
Daily grind
*bloop*
Hand shakes and knifings
(In the back of course)
Doled out like name tags at a convention
One of each for everyone
Two for the ones with brown smudged snouts
They scrounge every penny
Until they squeak when they walk
Wind up soldiers with no real purpose
But to entertain their creator
Cattle lined up at the trough
Waiting for a drink
“Grande vanilla cap, dry please”
The recitation becomes automatic
Often times it seems
That the hummings and drummings
Of everyday life
Drown out
The sense of self
Instilled in the soul of man
By the multifaceted faces
Of their creators (or Creator)
These gods (or God)
Act like a child
With an ant farm
Or
Maybe the human psyche
Is just too simple
To comprehend the plans
Of an entity
Far more “advanced” than itself.
It’s amazing
How ill-advised zealots
Misquote 10 font pages
Of Times New Roman
Proclaiming man
To be second only to one
All the while
Ignoring the facts
The facts
Flashing in front of their eyes
They refuse to believe
That man is but a marionette
On the end of it’s spiritual strings
Struggling with the curse of free will
I had a little trouble discerning meaning from some parts of this also. I immediately understood the overall meaning of the piece, which you make very clear, and I applaud that (it's not easy to put across such a personal take on a subject like this). There's just a few images that remain cloudy for me, and I'm left wondering what you were getting at. The first 2 stanzas in particular seem to have no bearing on the rest of the poem. It's entirely possible that I'm missing something, but I can't for the life of me work out any possible meaning there. I think the rest of the work does its job very well, particularly the last stanza, which is strong indeed, particularly the final 5 lines... excellent. I also like the 'handshake/ knife in the back' image. It does a lot for the early stage of your poem. The *bloop* technique works quite well too, but it just doesn't seem to fit with the first 2 stanzas. I think you've written a strong piece overall, I just have a few minor niggles, that's all. I hope all this helps.
I did not read the origanl, but I must say i enjoyed this one thoroughly! Just the way we lead our lives, blind to what is before us...or behind for that matter...is, at times, repulsive. The only thing I would suggest is a bit of punctuation, but even without it I think it works rather well. Very, very nicely done. ^_^
I like this one better then the origanal. I dont remeber it to well but I have a rough idea, I liked the best how you took this. The setting in the begin and how it morphed into what it came into at the end. you did really good with this and the little jiz in here and there add to it. keep it up and I hope to hear more from you. now that your married it just seems like you dont post as much, but hey, it understandable. just don't leave me hanging. Kacey
i didnt get how all that fit into the piece. i think you should re-rewrite it so that the format is different. it is hard to follow the way you have it written. what is it about? your description only tells of the past one. what spraked you to write this? interesting. not bad. not at all. just different. nice job.
Submission Name: Of Apathy and Zeal (revised)
