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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Assassindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zyllion
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 171/117/20
    Words: 318
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1093
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 1766



    Description:
       This is a short story that I've been working on for awhile now. I have two major drafts. This is the short version, and then I'm working on one with more background, and more story to it. I would greatly appreciate any comments and/or thoughts.

    Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Assassindots
    -------------------------------------------


    It had been one of those days. Hell, it had been one of those weeks. For Jake, no one had come to hire him in days, and unfortunately for him, he was down to his last coins. He sat in the corner of the cheap bar drinking some liquid from a half-washed mug. As he took another swig, he glanced around the room for the nth time. He was waiting to meet his latest contact.

    Finally, the bell over the door jangled, and in walked another person. The figure drew Jake’s attention for a couple reasons. Number one, it was a woman visiting a bar where no sane woman would ever deign to visit. For that matter, no sane person ought to be. Number two, she held her hand confidently over the gun at her hip, ready to draw at the smallest movement. Jake grinned sadistically. This was his client.

    He stood up, heading towards both the door and his newest client. As he brushed by her he whispered in her ear, “You lookin’ for the assassin, honey? Follow me.”

    She glared at him, then followed him out into the muddy streets. They walked down the main boulevard for a while, neither one speaking, until Jake finally took a sharp left off the path. He led her down towards a cave hidden in a sheltered grove.

    She sat down calmly, then eyed him. After a moment she spoke, “My name is Michelle. I’m looking for the assassin, as you guessed. I presume you’re him?”

    Jake nodded and waited for her to continue.

    “I want you to kill someone for me.”

    Jake laughed. “What a surprise. Usually that’s why you come looking for an assassin. Well, who’s it to be, honey? Relative? Friend? Enemy? I need a bit more information before I can continue.”

    “I want you to kill me.”




    Submitted on 2005-03-27 02:25:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm. I should have done this a while ago. This is way different, and combining them makes me think. I had noticed he was down on his luck before, but this highlights it. There's no familarity here, which makes it feel like a different person. If not for the deja vu. And why would she be so ready with that gun, if she wanted to die. Dang, I know what I'm going to be thinking about while trying to sleep. lol. Anyways, I like the rewrite much better, although this one seems more filled in.

    Hallian
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Hallian | [ Reply to This ]
      actually the part where you put in "it was a woman visiting a bar where no sane woman would ever deign to visit.", it was a very good thing to do. even though that's over used by a lot of writer's, it fit the description of the bar. it gave it a dark kind of mood, which got me thinking about what sort of bar it is. the only problem that i saw is that you went back and forth from 1st person narrative to a 3rd person narrative, which you shouldn't do. you should stick with one of them, and write in that view. a 1st person narrative is where the reader can see what the person is thinking, while the 3rd person narrative is where the reader sees the events, but not what the person is thinking. other than that, this is good. you should expand this story farther, cause people will want to know if he killed her or not, and what happened next, etc. good write
    Mark
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by Dragonslayer | [ Reply to This ]
      Short yet enjoyable read. I just didn't understand well why the woman held a gun as she entered if she wanted Jake to kill her anyway. I was hoping there was more to the story so I could find out why exactly she wanted him to kill her and was a bit disappointed to find nothing. Still good, though, leaving the ending open so the reader can guess about. Perhaps it would be even better if you gave a few more hints throughout the text to show there is a cleverness behind it all.

    Also, not wanting to be a walking encyclopedia, but does the word "sadistically" fit there? My vocab isn't that great (I'm in Brazil), and the dictionary here says it means "while obtaining pleasure from inflicting pain on others".

    I believe I just read a poem of yours and am happy that you are talented at writing different styles. Good work!
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm surprised that a story that is half decent could be so short. Like someone else said, nice twist at the end. But I think you shouldn't end the story there because you could have a nice little paragraph about Jake being torn apart deciding what to do, and then leaving a cliffhanger about whether he kills her or not. I could actually see this as a beginnning of a story. You'd have this and then skip to the future where they've become friends or something. (It may sound cheesy, my idea, but i've just been reading Eoin Colfer, which puts me in a sort of cheesy mood as its meant for teenagers). But back to your story, I liked it. It was nice that it was so short and snappy and got straight to the point because too much description bores me sometimes unless its very well worded. But I think that even so, perhaps you could pad it out a little more. To make the images even clearer and to make the reader connect more with the character. I think you should describe Jake more because I found the woman easier to visualise than Jake, but its up to you.

    But overall, I just felt that you need to add more to it in description and perhaps actual story to make it very good. But I liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ]
      oh.. someone else who commented say the line "whats a woman like you doin here?"
    type of line feels old and tired..

    well thats because i dont think you actually meant it the same way as most writers../authors.../hollywood sellouts/etc wrote that phrase for..

    i mean cleary the woman Might be somewhat of a romantic interest for the assassin but really thats pretty far from the whole feeling of the picture..the whole meeting the female client is not intended for some romantic comedy type of thing..

    and how the other commentor wrote..

    "If someone said 'hello you must be etc etc...would you wait ten blocks to reply. "

    its obviously not a story of practicality.. in anyway..

    its very.. i dont know/sure what to call it.. to me .. like cartoon... but adult/story not intended for teens or children in anyway .. but
    being very imaginitive.. i dont know.. "other world" not far from the 1 we live in.. something like a COULD BE but not plausible..

    its not in what is being done.. but its the character of the people.. very definite.. 1 sided..
    (but 1 sided is good for this)

    like i said... much like characters in Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead.. but more so the people like Ellis Wyatt, Hank Readen, Ken Dannager, Ragnar Danneskjold... Francisco d'Anconia
    etc.

    hard face.. stern.. very sure minded.. you know.. something along those lines..

    its like scifi, but better and more imagination/effort is put into the story

    xo, jon
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by DreamSyndicate | [ Reply to This ]
      hrm wow.. i really liek this piece of writting.. you really should expand on this short story..
    hrm..very discriptive with the bar as well..
    reminds me of.. "Crime and Punishment" ish.. your not as discriptive as Dostoyevsky but i immediatley think of a bar like those in St.Petersburg... hot.. damp.. sticky.. etc... dim yellow lighting... thick air.. etc
    something along those lines..

    of course you dont use very many words to describe the bar.. only its' nature.. but in doing so.. you let the reader presume how a..

    " it was a woman visiting a bar where no sane woman would ever deign to visit. For that matter, no sane person ought to be. "

    oh.. and

    " He sat in the corner of the cheap bar drinking some liquid from a half-washed mug. "

    conservative with the adj.. but very discriptive.. in an indirect way..

    how the bar is led to be depicted by the reader is 1 thing..

    but man.. the plot twist at the end is great!

    i am not able to find any significance as to why this comes as a shock,(when she asks the assassin to kill her) but theres a .. air of.. mystey around the whole thing..

    sry about comparing this piece to alot of other books.. but.. i can't help not to..

    if youve ever read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.. (Great book..)

    Theres a part where one of the main characters, Hank Rearden, encounters Ragnar Danneskjold.. in the book... hes one of the greatest, most billiant, 3 students (by far) of the great university.. who becomes a disapointment to the eyes of one of his mentors.. (Dr.Stradler) who was once.. a great physicist.. but who now works for the governemtn at some institution.

    Ragnar Danneskjold.. is basically a modern .. "pirate" who hijacks all materials sent by America to places like the "People's State of Germany, France, Canada, Britain" Etc.

    (Ayn Rand was someone who grew up in Russia.. and fled to the US.. she opposed the state a great deal..)

    anyway.. he did all of these things.. and this is the part where Danneskjold.. offers Hank Rearden a solid bar of gold.. and how the 2 great men meet eye to eye.. or more so.. how Hank Readen.. realizes that Ragnar is just as he is.. type of thing.. and how he suprises even himself by saving his life..

    anyway.. its very i dont know.. but it has that aura to your work... ALOT..

    im just trying to compliment you.. this is rtruley great.. i wish you could make another.. short chapter or something which would be great.. dont try to change the whole theme and layout and the type of feel to the work in order to be inventive.. this is just too good..

    KEEP IT UP!

    xo, jon
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by DreamSyndicate | [ Reply to This ]


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