I keep on slipping further.
Time still haunting… While I stood standing.
Oh what will I become?
All but a ghost of my dreams remain,
And I want to run.
I just want to run.
Head in the sand……in the clouds…no matter.
Either seems safer than the truth.
In the darkness…..in the fog …I tell myself yet another lie.
And I believe.
I just want to believe.
In someone …..or something .
But there’s nothing……there’s no one
| "I tell myself another lie" I enjoyed this poem. The best thing about poetry is that it is interpreted by people so differently, when I read this I saw a man haunted by repaeated rejection. Getting your hopes up for someone to love you, only to get a broken heart again and agin, wanting to run away. I liked it and I could relate atleast to what I took fromt he poem, which is pretty obvious that I would relate to what I took from it...lol anyway I like the style a lot. I am excited to read more from you.||| Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ] || OK, I have a few more comments/questions. LOL!|
I read your explination in your comment to me on my page, so I suppose my suggestion would be to add "in' before 'the clouds'.
Another question: In this line...
'Ether seems safer than the truth.'
Do you mean 'ether' as in the anesthetic or 'either' in reference to the choice of sand or clouds?
|| Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ] || Hmm... I'm sorry, I didn't really like this. It didn't reach out and grab me, there wasn't anything that made me think and I just felt that it was very plain. Plain and unoriginal. Sorry. |
Maybe it's because I don't relate to it.
Your use of .........'s annoyed me and I can see no point in them. From my point of view they add nothing to the poem.
It is quite a depressing tone, so you set that quite well. But there's no ideas that I haven't read before. Which is a shame, but hardly anything is ever truly original.
Although I have never felt like it, it seems every other poem I read is like this one and in that was I do think that I can relate kind of. But only because I have read hundreds of god-awful poems all musing on the same thing.
However, I do have some positives. Although, heard before, I liked,
"Head in the sand" It was my favourite part because it conjured up an image and the rest of the poem failed to do this.
But, I think that this could work quite well as a song because most songs are quite simple because the listener can't deal with the complicated imagery (Yes, I know that i'm stereotyping) So, yeah, maybe it'll work as a song.
But, I find that the best thing about writing is that it can make you feel better and that it's a little diary for yourself. So every poem is important to a person personally, so if you've written this for you and it's made you feel better, keep it up, and I'm sorry i've been so harsh. But if you're writing for others maybe consider a rewrite?
|| Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ] || i thought this poem was interesting, i think it was about trying to understand loneliness, and why you were feeling it. 'all but a ghost of my dreams remain...' should it maybe have read maybe 'nothing but a ghost...' instead? im not tryinng to nitpick, it just stood out to me. good work though, this was a good poem||| Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ] || Alright, I don't know if you've ever read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but this poem just screams to me of the character Chief Bromden. Especailly,|
'Ether seems safer than the truth.
In the darkness…..in the fog …I tell myself yet another lie'
Kesey couldn't have written a line more Bromben worthy himself. It speaks of a man losing his mind, and knowing it. Nonconfrontational, he wants to be left alone, but still wonders why this is happening to him. One line had an image I did not understand and probably needs to be made a little more clear is,
'Head in the sand…… the clouds…no matter.'
The clouds. What on earth is the deal with those clouds. LOL, I'm intrigued by them, but they confuse me. :P
|| Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ] |