give me
a moment
to recollect
the innocence
of new love -
rapture,
giddy brilliance
of your
unfolding
adoration
to fill this
empty heart
and cushion
the hibernation
of a lonely soul
I love the 'run on sentence' style of this. There is little room for messing around in these shorter ones if you're going to get them right. That's why the little offhanded hiccup of a lit. device that you snuck into the 5th line is so magnificent. You created caesura (pause) using only one little lonely dash there.
And it could not have been more well placed. Nudging right up against the crux of the poem's...Hmmmmm...thrust, 'Rapture'. Nice choice of words there...'rapture'. I like.
Okay, now for criticism, a simple, minor one. I feel (and that's just me) that the phrase 'empty heart', and perhaps even 'lonely soul' have been a little overused. But then this poem still accomplished the expression you intended, so...nicely done as usual.
I'll take one of your little poems over lots of other giants most any day.
This is a good write. Sometimes when we're lonely, watching other's in their happiness can lift our spirits.. or sometimes bring us down. In this poem it seems to have lifted (cushioned) yours a bit, and I think that's good. A well written piece in the few words it took to say what you really felt. Very nice! Take Care! ~Sandra
As minimalist as this appears at first glance, upon reading, I mean REALLY reading, there's a tautness . . . a vitality, if you will, about it that is very penetrating, and sad. Why do we withdraw from the Great Game? Is there some defect within us, or is it simply our natures as poets to seek solitude, even if we have to sabotage the very thing we love in order to get it? And then, from our dark hidey-holes, we wail and cry and beat our fists upon the jagged stone walls, longing for fresh air, the sun on our faces, and to hear the laughter of children at play. Sad, oh, sad . . . <thank you, B>
Ouch! Well you started out sweetly enough, but that ending had rather a saccharine aftertaste. Sorry you are only watching love as a spectator, but hey creatures come out of hibernation eventually! Also, on the writing, I think this might feel better with longer lines and less breaks, but I wouldn't change the words themselves, they're great. Hope that's helpful! Dave
i love it when someone can say what they mean in simple forms, and few words.
what is so amazing about this is the fact that love itself (or more importantly new love) is such a difficult emotion to describe and explain, yet you did so exquisitely! very very nice! -Nikki
i found this so refreshingly original, because to be honest, when i saw it was on love i thought oh god, please dont be some run-of-the-mill crap--and it wasnt! hurray! :) the stanzas may have been a bit toooo choppy, but that is my only suggestion. otherwise, great!
Yes, the queen of short awesome poems has spoken and written an incredible longing poem with such great flare and brilliance. You subtle ways of saying such powerful message and meaning has and will always amaze me.
Any man would be blessed to have such a woman of class,love and a scholarly mind.
I can't just pick out one part in this great poem to speak about,because it's written so tight, because like the love your wanting isn't about anyone element,it's about everything you want,need and so desire to give and share.
This going on my favorites Bravo Bravo Bravo Bravo Bravo Bravo Bravo Bravo
This is a sweetly refreshing thought after ploughing through 5 pages of submissions tonight. It is so very minimal, yet no words are wasted and your words get quiclky to the point,-I loved the last bit "to fill this empty heart and cushion the hibernation of a lonely soul"-this does indeed show the power and embracing comfort of love. I think the short lines and enjambment work well here, it is a quick, flowing statement, articulated well. Silver
This is really nice. I think we all want to feel that feeling sometimes. It's very sweet for you ro be inspired by Nan and Cat because I know that I am.
to fill this empty heart and cushion the hibernation of a lonely soul
That reminds me of a heart blooming like a flower. It's a very sweet, nice image.
I liked this short poem very much. the moment of recollection conjures up memories for all of us. to fill this empty heart and cushion the hibernation on a lonely soul. I think this is my favorite part of the whole piece. Beautiful ending. Carol
Beulah, this is indeed perfect in describing Cat and me. I wonder how we did get so lucky? No, not really i just give thanks that we found each other. We have made vows as teenage lovers she's 16 and I am 17. I love the return to innocence and giddy brilliance you've chosen as descriptors. Love is a fountain of youth, but I think our renewal will be even more profound as time goes on. So glad you enjoyed the ride on our romance, it's a beautiful tribute and a fave. peace and love, Nan
this is just beautiful, Beulah. i am so happy that our love is spreading around here and that we've touched people's lives in this way. it is indeed an affirmation of the love and goodness that can be found in this world. we are truly blessed to have found each other. you know, when you least expect it, that is when it happens. i wish for you to find such a love in your life. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. this is a fav.
Like the way you set the stage to get your readers attention "give me a moment" for this minute reflection. I would have titled this Minute Reflection to enforce the importance of the readers undivided attention. Nice comfortable read ~always with love Cheryl~
Submission Name: Affirmation
