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    dots Submission Name: Putting It On [second version]dots

    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 660
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1455

       The first line is not an "I". The stanzas are listed under Roman numerals. Yay. This is the second [and better] version of this poem. The first one was more depressing. This one actually has rhyme, structure, etc. Tell me what you think.

    Oh, and PS, it's about my struggle when I was in the play. Yay for drama.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPutting It On [second version]dots

    Waiting, waiting,
    That I will not fit in.
    If you gave me a choice
    I would not use my voice
    To let the challenge begin.
    But now I am waiting, waiting,
    Quietly hating
    The way they let me in.

    Watching, watching
    People talking
    About how I will fail.
    It is not fair
    To put me there.
    My success is not for sale.
    No more watching, watching,
    I am walking
    Away from the gamblerís jail.

    Climbing, climbing
    Slowly shining.
    I am a newborn star.
    I smile and move
    With a new attitude
    As though the distance is not far.
    Yet I am still climbing, climbing
    With expert timing
    To where all the other stars are.

    Crying, crying
    I have been lying
    About how good I am.
    Forget what I have said
    I am sick in the head
    Of not having a plan.
    Just leave me crying, crying
    Slowly dying
    From this disease called scam.

    Rising, rising,
    How surprising
    You got more than you asked for.
    I succeeded,
    I am undefeated,
    I have never wanted more.
    Just watch me rising, rising,
    And the crowd realizing
    They have never seen better before.

    Submitted on 2005-03-27 23:14:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Very nice Kkkkatie. I know a little about that how thing, and I'm glad you made it through. You did wonderful!
    I like the rhyming scheme of this, and the structure, very nice. I like the style of it as well. Overall, I loved it!
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      In the third stand , the line, "as though the distance is not far" is a little awkward. It seems like you mean something along the lines of "I've almost made it." Try it without the "as though" and try a different word besides distance.. .something like "the end is not far," but im sure there is a better way to say it that fits the rhythm. I like the title. It fits perfectly. I am curious, what do you mean int he first stanza by "I would not use my voice..."?
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the way you put it under roman numerals, much like a play is listed. It's about fear and hope and struggle. Being out on stage in front of people is hard, especially if they don't believe in you. It was very cool how you were vindicated in the end. The rhyme scheme is still a little rusty but who am I to judge? I can't rhyme at all! You did an awesome job; A plus!
    | Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by almostknowhere | [ Reply to This ]

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