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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Non- Custodial Chefdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1166
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 845



    Description:
       I wrote this poem after a talk with a chef friend of mine who is divorced and only sees his four kids about once a month, and is overwhelmed with child support and alimony payments.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNon- Custodial Chefdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Non-Custodial Chef

    Surrounded by sound
    by voices
    by need,
    "Feed me, feed me, feed me,"
    they plead.
    (Why do I feel so alone?)

    Dry and dirty and covered with hurt,
    Working to live and living to work,
    Empty and aching, but no one to call
    Lonely-and-lost is a hard place to fall.
    (Home seems so far away.)

    Where is the joy? the breath? the spark
    that quickens the heart in the midst of the dark?
    In a touch or a memory, a kiss or a laugh?
    In a painting, a song, or a past photograph?

    I pile up the smiles like a miser who files
    His treasures away on in-between days ...
    ... Until finally they come.
    (And just for awhile, it feels like home.)





    Submitted on 2005-03-28 04:27:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sad but true, this can, and is shrewed. Especially if the victim,( in this case your friend) is the Victim of I must work all day, to pay and pay and pay. And what do I get to hold on to, maybe if I am lucky a picture or two. I am sure you have shown this to your friend if not then you should for it is total validation. There is a side to every story it mostly goes like this OJ got away with murder sorry to bring that up. However it's not necessarly the facts the bring thngs to life. It's more like ah ha Look what I got and you don't. Lame if you ask me, but it is not the first time I have seen it,trust me. None the less the Poetry is good. I am sure many can relate. Well enogh said I don't want to rant to much. all in all good write and validation to those who know this fight.




    Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
    | Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. You have a lot to say! Unfortunately, I don't really know what you meant by most of it.

    What do you mean by the follwing?

    "it's no co-incidence that those who multipl..."
    and
    "you have far too much rhetoric in this piece..."
    and
    "cliché'd frustrations and references to joy/..." ?

    Where does your cut and paste comment stop and your actual response to MY poem pick back up? It's not convincing when you say you HATE to do something as you are doing it. Especially when you cut and paste it on more than a few people's poems. Seems to me that you are pretty proud of this particular critique and you enjoy using it. If that's the case, that's cool. But why not be honest about it?

    And are you telling me that poetry cannot or should not simply tell a story sometimes?

    I hope you don't think I'm being defensive, and I appreciate your comments. (Well, ok, maybe I am a LITTLE defensive. It would be sort of hypocritical of me to accuse you of being dishonest without my admitting that!) I would just like to be able to understand them. You seem like the resident poetry guru around here. I'd hate to think I'm missing out on something! <wink>

    Final question:

    What do you have against capitalization - in your poetry AND your critiques? Just wondering.

    Take care yourself!

    Annie
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      the pleasant rhyme scheme turned this serious poem into something that wasn't quite as melancholy as the subject matter. as a result it seemed as though you wrote this simply to tell the story- not to evoke any sort of feeling or tell how this person felt. your use of language is good, but not great. you haven't used any particularly clichéd lines but yo haven't said anything that hasn't been said before, either. and that's what poetry is about- saying things in a way that makes people feel, or stop and think in a way they hadn't before. this is an ok poem with a nice flow, but i think you could not only expand upon the story (don't be afraid of long poems, take your time) but but that you could say this in a way that would impact the reader more.
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      it is no co-incidence that those who multiple-post produce work of a similar style.

    i think you have far too much rhetoric in this piece for us to be able to take it seriously.
    you have five unanswered questions in one stanza in this piece which is overwhelming and a shortcut to what you should actually be telling us.

    and as much as i hate to do it i could just cut and paste a single comment over and over and over to reitterate the same points:

    there is an apparent difference between a jornal entry and poetry.
    dont ask me what it is, when it comes to definitions i always struggle to make sense of it all.

    but you have classed this as poetry.
    and just because it rhymes does not make it so.

    what you have done here is taken your thoughts on a situation and simply written it down as it happens/as it is to you.
    you have not created and imagery or analogies, you have no word play, no structure other than writing in lines, you have no emotional devices other than your obvious feelings...and so on.
    so this reads as your thoughts written in your diary with the clichéd frustrations and references to joy/breath/dark/heart/memory/kiss/laugh/ love/home/whatever.
    and if this is what it is, then this is fine.
    and this place is a cathartic outlet for you and these things that happen.

    but as poetry i think you just need to take it to another level, in my opinion,
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    52050

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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