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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Love Remembereddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pinurplepassion
    ASL Info:    24/f/somewhere in TX
    Elite Ratio:    5.92 - 165/146/17
    Words: 254
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1688



    Description:
       So, my first love, my FIRST FIRST is still my brother's best friend and a really good friend of the family. In fact, we are still friends, as much as we can be and he and his wife and two kids spent Easter with us. This isnt all that great, but I just needed to get it all out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Love Remembereddots
    -------------------------------------------


    She looks at him,

    and he is still beautiful.
    same chocolate eyes.
    same invasive laugh,
    making the darkest hearts smile.

    She watches him,

    and he is father of the year.
    nurturing the fruit
    of two little seeds
    that he silently knows he didn't plant.

    She sees him,

    pretending to be content,
    with the woman he loves,
    while sporting the shiner
    that she gave him in a moment of "passion".

    She wonders,

    if he still thinks of her,
    and if he knows
    if he even cares
    that she would never have hurt him that way.

    She thinks of him,

    on those hot Houston nights,
    in June at sixteen,
    and the way that
    those nights just got hotter and hotter.

    She remembers him,

    the way he used to shine.
    he glowed for her.
    he blazed inside her,
    and he was the breath that burned her.

    She wants him,

    to be happier than he is.
    to be the man she knew
    he was destined to be,
    and he never thought he deserved to be.


    She misses him,

    the way he used to sing,
    love songs to her
    and change the words,
    just to make her giggle at his insinuations.

    She loves him,

    not the way she used to
    when she was naked
    with her head to his chest,
    but the way she did before banana rum and broken condoms.....broken hearts.

    He looks at her.
    She looks away.




    Submitted on 2005-03-28 12:28:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this part:

    She watches him,

    and he is father of the year.
    nurturing the fruit
    of two little seeds
    that he silently knows he didn't plant.

    it shows what kind of man he is...he knows that it isn't his but he still loves them, now that 's father

    dylanpoe's girl
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with bent, the pronoun thing threw me a bit too, but the only way I can see to fix it is to use the first person, which would absolutely ruin this one, so I think it's something I'll have to deal with. :)

    I loved this... it made me weepy. I've felt like that after I've ruined a pretty good relationship, then seen her with some schmuck... and this IS that feeling... hrmm... getting weepy again... must....... not....... be....... weepy.

    I like typing the word weepy (in case you couldn't tell).

    Weepy.
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is prolly my fave so far because you dont sound angry for a change just kinda sad for him and what might have been sorry if my comments arent ever to helpful
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Georgia Gurl | [ Reply to This ]
      holy crap i love that! especially the ending. wow! seriously, how often do the physical aspects end up destroying a love rather than complimenting it? too often. ok, i'm gonna copy and paste your poem here and bracket all my suggestions in parentheses's, but it's mostly just grammatical stuff, not content:

    She looks at him,

    and he is still beautiful(:)
    same chocolate eyes(,)
    same invasive laugh,
    making the darkest hearts smile.

    She watches him,

    and he is father of the year(;)
    nurturing the fruit
    of two little seeds
    that he silently knows he didn't plant.

    She sees him,

    pretending to be content()
    with the woman he loves,
    while sporting the shiner
    ()she gave him in a moment of "passion".

    She wonders()

    if he still thinks of her,
    ()if he knows(,)
    if he even cares
    that she would never have hurt him that way.

    She thinks of him,

    (how it was a) hot Houston night,
    in June at sixteen,
    and the way that
    those nights just got hotter and hotter.

    She remembers him,

    the way he used to shine.
    he glowed for her.
    he blazed inside her,
    and he was the breath that burned her.

    She wants him()

    to be happier than he is(;)
    to be the man she knew
    he was destined to be()
    and he never thought he deserved to be.


    She misses him,

    the way he used to sing()
    love songs to her
    and change the words,
    just to make her giggle at his insinuations.

    She loves him,

    not the way she used to
    when she was naked
    with her head to his chest,
    but the way she did before banana rum and broken condoms...broken hearts.

    He looks at her.
    She looks away.


    i think you've done freakin awesome here :) you're my hero ;)
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem alot.. Some of it got me confused, but I double checked it.. I think you did a good job on this.. Some parts seemed a little jumbled... my favorite lines was the first and third stanzas.. They were my favorite.. I dont know why... I guess the way you worded them...

    She looks at him,

    and he is still beautiful.
    same chocolate eyes.
    same invasive laugh,
    making the darkest hearts smile.



    She sees him,

    pretending to be content,
    with the woman he loves,
    while sporting the shiner
    that she gave him in a moment of "passion".


    I think you did a really good job on this poem.. Keep up the good work..

    I will try to look at more of your work.. cause its definately A+!

    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice. I usually hate love poems like this but for some reason I was drawn to this one. I agree with Ghost Child, it was very easy sounding. Everything flowed well and you wrote it with very simplistic words instead of cluttering it with large, stupid words, which is something I really liked about this piece.

    As I was reading this I found it depressing but in a good way, if that makes any sense. It seems as if the girl hurt him really badly when they were together but now she longs to have him back and then when she has the chance to 'tell' him, in a sense, through the exchange of a look, she rejects the opportunity and instead turns her attention the other way. At least that's what I got from this.

    There isn't really anything worth mentioning that I think needs changing or whatever but I have to tell you that I adored these lines:
    "She loves him,

    not the way she used to
    when she was naked
    with her head to his chest,
    but the way she did before banana rum and broken condoms...broken hearts"

    Beautiful. Really.

    Again, nice job here. Keep it up!

    Babysweet56
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very easy sounding, unlike most love poems that seem so forceful and demanding. I like the tranquility of your words, the vibration of the rhythm. It has the faness and smoothness that I think a proper love poem should. Plus (though I'm not a girl) I know how you feel. I saw my exgirlfriend on saturday; we went together for about three years. She was very pretty (as always) and showed much affection towards me and I couldn't help but wonder...even hope that she still liked me and wanted to be with me. Yeah, I'm only seventeen, but I think I loved her and so... yeah I know how you feel sis.

    Write it, read it, and get over it. That's how I do things. Good Luck
    Ghost Child
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by Ghost Child | [ Reply to This ]
      Done very nicely. I did find myself skipping backward to sort out the "her's" in this. Took a moment to realize that there were two of them. That also caused some confusion about the shiner and the child. But it was worth backtracking and sorting it all out. This moment in time became real, and a bit sad. Thanks for sharing.

    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    52087

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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